Summary: Being married to someone who is terminally ill is extremely difficult, particularly if the illness drags on, but it is no reason to abandon your spouse. While it is understandable that a person may develop more intimate friendships in the meantime, but it is still best to wait before formally dating. Below is the case of a woman who likes a married man and I advise her to wait for his spouse to pass away before taking the relationship to the next level.
Ashley writes, “I am 34, divorced mother of two. I have been friends with a family for 10 years. We all lived in the same area and hung out at the local tavern. One of the sons is married and I did not meet him until 7 years ago. Over the years this married man has started to come out more and more. For the past 2 years he has been coming to the bar regularly on Saturday nights. During this time we have became really close friends. I go to the bar every other Saturday night. We laugh, dance, talk for hours and have a great time. He is 59 and acts about 45. His wife is ill and is not expected to recover. For the past 6 months our friendship has become more of an emotional attachment and we miss each other during the two weeks apart. He recently has told me that he is madly in love with me but would never leave his wife nor cheat on her. In the same respect, I would never have a relationship with a married man or ever consider his leaving his ill wife of 40 years. I would feel terrible guilt. He does talk about a future with me. He has adopted his grandson who is just a year older than my oldest daughter. He makes frequent comments about how our children would get along and how much his grandson would love me. He makes other comments about the future as well. He is always asking about my goals, dreams, etc. I am very comfortable with him and love his company. If he were not married, I would be his girl in a heartbeat. I suppose I am writing because I am fearful of letting things develop too far; maybe they already have. I refuse to see him outside the bar. He does not even have my phone number. However, I am there every other Saturday night no matter what. I would not want to go an entire month without seeing him. All of his family knows how we feel about each other. They often tell me how happy they are that I make their brother happy. My main concern is how difficult it is going to be when his wife passes away. I wonder if maybe I should spend less time with him and be more distant until after that happens? On the other hand.. what if something happens to him? He could have a heart attack next month and I would regret not spending as much time as I could have with him? Am I kidding myself? Are we already so far that he is cheating on his wife even though we do not have a physical relationship? I have never had feelings for a married man and never had a relationship with a man more than 15 years my senior. I am at a loss as to how to react to this situation. Please help.”
A man needs supportive friends during difficult times
Your case reminds me of what happened to a family friend of ours. Arnold and Dora were two retirees whom we had known through a church group. Things were fine until Dora was diagnosed with terminal cancer and before you know it, she passed away. It took Arnold a lot of time to recover from the tragedy because he was suddenly alone to live the rest of his life when he had made so many plans for life after retirement. Little by little, he started to get back to a normal life and one of things he did was to follow a passion that he and his wife had: golf. When he went back, an old girl-friend of his wife and their occasional golf partner started to spend more time with him just as a tribute to her girl-friend. She had been single almost her whole life after becoming a widow raising three daughters when her husband passed away when she was in her 30s. The next thing you know, the two developed feelings for each other and got married. They are doing really well and the life that he could not have with his wife, he is having it with a new woman, who is very respectful of his deceased wife.
A loving wife would want her husband to be happy after her death
In your situation, I would say that you have handled this really well and till his wife dies, you should not change a thing. As tragic as it is, we all know death is a certainty, and if his family knows about you, chances are that his wife does too, and is happy for him. I am sure that she realizes that she will die and it might be helpful for her to know that her husband will not be miserable after she is gone. That is why she has not done a thing to stop him and the family has been encouraging you rather than calling you a home-wrecker.
I am expecting that when people know the terminal illness of a family member they are better prepared to handle the death. What causes a lot more pain is unexpected death, especially when it happens at a youthful age. Obviously, you want him to have the privacy to mourn after she dies, but you also want him to know that you are still there for him. And maybe after a year or so has passed after the death, you can give him your home number and start dating formally.
I know a lot of people have very loose definitions of cheating, but in my opinion, you are just two friends with strong feelings for each other. We are human beings and it is naive to pretend that somehow one cannot have feelings for a married man or woman or that a married man or woman cannot have feelings for someone else, while continuing to be faithful to his/her spouse. He still is a good husband and has done nothing wrong by enjoying the company of a friend in a bar occasionally. He is a human being and if I were his wife I would not expect him to cry all day seeing me die.
Anonymous // May 23, 2012 at 10:40 pm
I just recently met a beautiful man who’s wife is also ill. During my visit to his town we both developed a strong friendship. Although, we have never been inappropriate while enjoying each others company…. we have build a strong bond. I do love him very much and I know that he cares for me too. I had to return to my home town about a month ago and I am so sad…. He did ask me for my phone number and address but has not used either one to reach out to me. I know that it would be wrong…because his wife is still alive. I also feel very bad for having these feelings for a married man…but I cannot pretend that these feelings do not exist. I do hope that when the time is right he will come and find me…because I, too, would be his in an instant…Wow…why does it have to be this way!
AV // Jun 30, 2012 at 7:15 pm
I also met a man whose wife is dying of cancer, and I became very close to him through our daily emails over a period of two months. One day his wife posted an entry on her blog about feeling sad that all her friends with cancer were dying. I wanted to reach out to her and offer my friendship, and her husband encouraged me to do so. In my exchanges with her, I revealed I’d been exchanging emails with her husband, and she exploded in anger. I tried to explain to her that he had always been respectful of her and had never crossed the line of friendship with me, and that I still wanted to be her friend. Unfortunately, this made things worse. She used profanity against me, called me a home wrecker, and told me never to contact her or her husband again while she was alive. She also told me she hated us and was making his life miserable. Now I feel horrible. I miss him and worry both that he’s suffering and that I may never hear from him again. I read that people who are angry typically gain more followers than calm people. They also tend to stereotype people instead of evaluating each situation. Her anger will likely turn his friends and family against him. It just seemed to me that I was doing the right thing to be a sounding board for him and then to reach out to her and offer my friendship. I had hoped she would be happy that I would be there for him after she was gone. This is so hard. I know my emails gave him great relief, and I didn’t want to hide our friendship from his wife. I thought I was doing the right thing, but my actions created a disaster.
Jay Dwivedi // Jul 3, 2012 at 3:28 pm
I guess AV’s example demonstrates how jealous we all are, even on our death bed. While it is likely that some people would wish that their living partner would find love with another person and not be lonely and sad his/her own life, a lot of people might be like the case above. My recommendation would be to keep the relationship a secret as long as the dying person is alive.
Aimee // Sep 22, 2012 at 6:56 pm
Hi, I recently met a man who’s wife has frontal lobe dementia (Picks Disease) which is terminal.This woman is only 59 years old. I am attracted to this man and would really like to be close friends with him with hopefully something more later down the road. Not sure how he feels yet, as I have just met him. How should I approach him to let him know I am interested in him? I work in the same area as where his wife is now residing. Is this appropriate??…I am unsure……
Jay Dee // Sep 28, 2012 at 5:43 pm
This is a very delicate situation and at this point if you give him a hint that you want a relationship with him after his wife dies, for some men that can be a big turnoff. He might perceive you as this heartless woman who only cares about her needs. You have not made it clear how you met him and if he was the one who showed interest in you or how often you run into him, but at this point, you want your relationship to be neutral, let’s say, like a guy friend would have. Yes, you are a friend, available when he might need some help, but not someone who can replace his wife after she passes away.
Once she passes away, maintain the same friendship, and hopefully, it will reach a level that you two can get romantic naturally. The less you rush it, the better the outcome is going to be.
Aimee // Sep 28, 2012 at 7:33 pm
I fully understand what your saying, I just want to be his friend at this point, mabey a shoulder to lean on for him, some one to talk to, mabey go for coffee or a bite to eat. Its not my needs I care about, but I am single and have been for a few years now so I am use to enjoying my own company. I am just attracted to how very nice he is and easy to talk to. I met him at the facility where his wife is now living, I work there. I run into him probably once a week and we usually have a nice chat. I just want him to know I want to be his friend, but I don’t know how to do this without coming across as wanting more, I really don’t I undertand his situation right now……So what do you think?
Aimee // Sep 29, 2012 at 10:07 am
Meant to say I understand his situation……Its delicate for sure….
Jay Dee // Oct 2, 2012 at 1:38 pm
Aimee, my recommendation will be not to make any more obvious than it needs to be. I would be very surprised if he does not notice if you go beyond the usual to help him out. You know what I am talking about. You see, I go to a restaurant and if I get normal meal, I will forget about the waiter by next morning. However, if I get excellent, personal attention from a waiter, I might make a remark to my wife that the service was really nice. And with our favorite restaurants in town I always waiters who have been nice to us in the past even if they are not serving us. I think if you go that extra mile, he will know that you mean something more than that. Good luck and keep me posted.
Aimee // Oct 3, 2012 at 12:41 pm
Jay Dee……I will take your adivce into consideration, however I have a feeling if I don’t become a friend to him some one else will eventually……….
Jay Dee // Oct 3, 2012 at 3:25 pm
Your fears are well-placed and you need to be watchful of this. What you have to to try to do is to maintain that delicate balance between not sounding like a heartless bitch who is waiting for his wife to die and a caring, loving woman who will take her place. I would say that if he shows any signs of response to your affection, you can read that as a green light to advance this a little further.
Aimee // Oct 3, 2012 at 9:02 pm
Ok…..I hear what your saying…now my next question is……how do I let him know ?
Jay Dee // Oct 4, 2012 at 4:16 pm
Aimee, I would suggest something like, “I know it is hard for you, but I want to do the best I can in this difficult period. Please do not hesitate to ask me any time for help. Here is my cell phone number, just in case you need something, and I am not around.” It might sound like your facility provides excellent service but you are hinting to him that he can call you any time. Try this out and give me an update.
Aimee // Oct 6, 2012 at 2:50 pm
I don’t want to come across as if my facility is the reason for my offering my number and help. Can you suggest another idea :O)……Thanks…..
Jay Dee // Oct 8, 2012 at 11:48 am
Aimee, how about starting a conversation with him trying to find out how he is coping in this difficult time? Inquiring about children? Balancing work and sick wife? I think questions like this will help you establish a rapport with him and hint to him that you care for him. Maybe he has an awesome family and friends but for all we know, in this time and place that people are so busy and heartless, he might very well be very lonely, stressed out, and struggling with the enormity of the situation. Don’t give him your number for the time being but just try to empathize with him. And I don’t know if you have personal stories to share of seeing a loved one die, but if you do, it always helps to share them. Keep me updated.
Ron // Oct 13, 2012 at 10:12 am
My wife is also terminally ill, in late January I started talking over my feelings and fears with a lady who I had known through business for some years. We are now talking of having a relationship once my wife passes away and perhaps marrying. I also wonder if we should be doing this. We see each other for perhaps 6 hours a week and I am totally besotted although we have not embarked on a relationship and will not do until my wife of 40 years has passed away. Am I wrong? Who knows, I am very afraid of being left alone. It is a great help knowing there are other people out there with the same problems
Jay Dee // Oct 15, 2012 at 4:09 pm
Ron, I can guarantee that if not already, the rumor mills will start operating very soon. If you start a relationship with this lady right away or get married soon, people who don’t know what to do with their precious lives on earth will waste it on talking about you. If you care about these people, then, keep it a secret for at least a year after her death, and then have a powerful story to share. If you don’t care about what people think, well, then, go ahead and celebrate your love. It is a fact of life that people die and you can still remember your loving wife, even if you are married to another woman. This world is full of too much BS and you should make your own decision about how you want to navigate this.
Aimee // Oct 17, 2012 at 12:03 pm
Hi Ron, I would like to ask you something since you are following this column. Were you open in the beginning to confiding and being friends with another female? Did you find it intrusive or uncomfortable when she showed interest in you?
Aimee
Ron // Oct 19, 2012 at 9:34 am
I needed someone to talk to about my fears and the unknown future. When, after several months of talking and confiding it became obvious that she also had feeling for me, I was quite flattered that someone could be interested in me at almost 65 years of age.
I’m sure we certainly will wait for a year or so before making anything public. We live in a relatively small city on a different continent to you , I can assure you that this city is certainly a rumor mill!. As far as we know there are no suspicions as yet, we only meet for a couple of hours at a time in the ladies house which is quite out of the way. My wife and i have two adult sons so any news of a new relationship would have to be handled with great tact.
Aimee // Oct 21, 2012 at 4:43 pm
Hello Ron, that you for being candid. I also live in a “rumor mill” small community . I have not become close to this man yet, we actually just met over the last month or so, I just find myself attracted to him and I am very sensitive to his situation. His wife may live for quite some time or at least a few years, but there is not much of a quality of life for her or him now. I am in no hurry for a relationship but I would like to be his friend just not sure how to go about this. I dont’ want to come off as overbearing or intrusive so not sure what my approach should be……
Ron // Oct 26, 2012 at 6:35 am
Hi Aimee, I think that is exactly it, there’s not much quality of life, my wife may well live a year or two as well. She has stage 4 breast cancer which has metastasized to the bones. This may sound awful but I feel that my life is on hold too.
Our children and my family live over 5,000 miles away so I have have no one else to confide in except my female friend. We have decided that when the end comes we will move from here to another country and continent.
We really only sit and talk when we meet, there has been the occasional cuddle but we have never gone as far as kissing or anything else for that matter.
I would really think that ‘your’ man just needs someone to confide in and talk over his fears and hopes. My friends listening ear helps me immensely I do not think that i could do this without her listening and sympathetic ear. Certainly when things deteriorate further I will need someone to lean on and help me through whatever lies ahead.
Perhaps just offer him the chance to talk if he needs it I’m sure he will appreciate it…..
Aimee // Oct 26, 2012 at 5:24 pm
Thank you Ron for your advice, I will take it into serious consideration. I must say you seem like a lovely man and I wish you all the best and hope you have happiness in the end. Its a very hard road that you have to travel, good luck with everything and take good care of yourself…….Big Hugs to you Ron………
Debbie // Mar 27, 2013 at 2:15 am
I also met a man whose wife is dying of cancer. She has as much as 2 years left to live although growing very fragile very quickly. In as little as 2 months, we have met and fallen in love. We both respect his wife and their marriage, and at this point in time I do not want him to take time away from home to spend with me unless there is someone there with her to keep an eye. We have not seen eachother much and when we do it is only for an hour or two at a time, but we talk almost 3 times a day by phone and messaging. We have not spoken of a future together yet, but we both talk of being able to even spend just one day together. We have only kissed a bit and cuddled but nothing more than that.
Although all the signs are there that he is truly in love with me, I am still a bit nervous that this is some sort of premature “rebound” on his side. I am totally in love with this man and haven’t felt these feelings since I met my own late husband 20 years ago. I am just so scared that I invest my heart into this man and meantime I’m just a means for him being able to cope with his current situation. He seems to be a very sincere person, honest and decent and obviously we both feel guilty about how we feel towards each other whilst his wife is still alive, but we both agreed that we can’t deny how we feel. I have great compassion towards both of them, and i do speak to his wife too, but she obviously doesn’t know how we feel about each other or that we see each other. I guess I’m just scared of being used or hurt, but as I said, his love for me seems so geniune in contrast with the few boyfriends I’ve had of late.
Chris // Apr 15, 2013 at 9:47 pm
I fell back in love with my 1st love a year and a half ago. He and I had planned a future together and in October his wife was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. Devastating to us all. He is really a great man and won’t walk from his marriage and leave his wife while she is sick. It’s taking a toll on all of us. He lives a distance from me and we do see each other, but he is becoming more attentive to his sick wife, as expected. He devoted his love to me and tells me he is still in love with me but doing this is his obligation and his wife’s need. We started this relationship before she was ill and had plans to move forward. We still plan on moving forward but how do I cope with being push to the side without feeling I’m not getting what I need
Aimee // May 2, 2013 at 8:27 am
You have to give this man some respect for standing by his ill wife. I think that is admirable. As for you Chris….well you need to take a few steps back and give him the time he needs with her and not interfere. If its meant to be it will be …after all you have your life still ahead for you and his current spouse does not……..
Debbie // May 11, 2013 at 10:25 am
Hi Chris,
I’m the same Debbie that posted just above yours. I know what you mean with “being pushed to the side”. I sometimes feel like it to, but since my post in March, things have a taken a turn for the worse with his wife and we are no longer looking at 2 years, in a way we are lucky if we look at 2 months. She is very ill and haven’t eaten in about 5 weeks if not more, she’s growing very frail and she is tired. But to get to your question… It is really hard, I go through the same thing, but I have to remind myself that he has to do what he has to do for her, that her time is short and that it is only a temporary setback (or pause even) in our relationship. I do think though that my compassion towards her helps me to not focus on myself or on my own needs. There is so much I need from him too, but I also know the poor man has his hands full trying to help her and I don’t want to put any pressure on him about what I need because I feel we will have plenty time afterwards to satisfy our needs. I hope a different perspective (my view) may help you to cope with feeling pushed aside.