MYNIPPON

Summary:  While the ideal circumstances may call for two parents, a loving and peaceful family environment with just one parent is much better than a family in which the parents constantly fight, are unhappy, and cannot give their best to the kids.  That is why I support a woman’s decision to leave her children to start a new life and let the father raise them alone.

Marianne writes, “I am 22 years old, my husband is 41. He is the first and only man I have ever dated, kissed, or done anything with. We got married approximately 6 months after meeting; I was 19 at the time. We had our first baby two weeks before our first anniversary, and when she was 7 months old, I got pregnant again.  I have never been to college, my parents kept me out of society, and my husband does the same. Especially now with the children, I can’t go out at all. We use cloth diapers and I nurse, so I am practically tied to the house.  My parents were extremely religious, and I lived a cloistered lifestyle. My husband is also very religious. I have been pretending, and trying to be religious my whole life, and I’m just tired of it. My husband is constantly criticizing me how I’m doing this and that wrong, how I’m not taking caring of the kids properly, or cleaning frequently enough (or properly).  He is an otherwise wonderful man, very caring of the children. He wants the kids, loves them, and helps care for them. The problem is with me. I don’t want kids, never did. I’ve never had the opportunity of having a life in the world without someone watching over my shoulder to tell me what to do.  I’m thinking about leaving my husband, and leaving our two kids with him (he wouldn’t want me to have them, and, while I love them, I know I couldn’t care for them properly). I want a life, friends, and freedom from other people’s religious ideologies.  Am I wrong to want this? Should I wait 18 years for the sake of kids, until our children are old enough to leave home? I have a plan, I know where I would go, what I would do, and my husband and I have talked about it.  He says that I am welcome to stay (and since I told him how I feel, he has started actually trying to be nicer) or leave, but the kids stay with him. I think this would be better, because they would have his excellent care and love.  Please help?”

1. You married very young, and to further complicate your situation, you literally married a guy old enough to be your father.  Imagine marrying someone who is exactly twice your age?  In other words, problems like yours were bound to happen.
2. You two are also very different people and will simply never be able to have a happy marriage.  I can understand how difficult it must have been for you as an atheist to grow up with extremely religious parents and then marry another very religious man.
3. You can forgive yourself for letting this marriage happen in the first place.  The fact that you were raised in such a protective family and did not go to college, you never really learned lessons about life.  In any case, any girl at 19 is not mature enough to decide about marriage and children.
4. If you and your husband were closer in age or very similar in all other ways, I would have told you that first few years of marriage are difficult and if you work on it, marriage will work out just fine.  However, in your case, based on what you tell me, I cannot figure anything in common among the two of you.  In other words, you two will never really be close to each other emotionally and spiritually.  So I agree with you that it is best for you, him, and your children that you divorce.
5. As painful as it might be to part with your kids, considering your attitude towards having your own kids, it is best that the kids stay with him.  I am sure that some day when you will be able to talk to your kids as adults, they will not only understand but even thank you for this decision.  If you are miserable today, it will reflect in your behavior toward your husband and them, and they will end up growing in an unhappy family.  If he raises them alone, it will be a loving environment and while kids might miss not having a mother, in the end they will be more balanced.
6. Some times the most unpopular choices in life are the best choices.  Be prepared to be criticized, ridiculed or even declared as an outcast by your family and friends, but in the end you are doing what is really the best option for you, your children, and even your husband (hopefully after divorce he can find a woman closer to him in ideology and age).
7. It ain’t going to be easy, but you look like a strong girl.  Now go out there and pursue your dreams.  Life is too short to look back.