MYNIPPON

Lauren writes, “I have been divorced for about two years.  I am currently dating a guy for about 1 year.  The relationship started off really good.  He is a smoker and drinker so when we started dating I told him I don’t kiss smokers.  So he said he would quit.  He did for a while but then started lying and hiding cigarettes and never would do it if he was hanging out with me so I never smelled it on him until I found a pack he was hiding in his car.  That led to a huge argument in which I was telling him that I understand quitting isn’t an easy thing and to come to me and talk about it instead of lying about it.  So it was settled.  He would drink every so often (which was a huge cutback from every night) then it got to be when he did he would do it to get wasted and really drunk.  I didn’t like it because I would have to cover for him at work when his boss asked why he didn’t show up.  This went on for a few months and a few break-ups until I made him realize he had a problem.  I told him I would stick by him and help him.  He did good for a bit but then picked it back up.  He broke a very important promise to me which I set up after the last breakup over his drinking.  It was to never drive after he has had some drinks.  He also broke the promise of always getting up the next day to go to work.  I don’t really know what to do at this point.  He doesn’t get mean or abusive when he drinks.  I feel like if I leave I am abandoning someone who needs help.  I love him very much and know that he loves me dearly.  We don’t argue about anything else.  He treats me like a princess.  He loves my daughters.  We share an apartment together and our lease isn’t up for another six months.  I don’t know what to do as of right now.  I am really feeling like I need some stability for my girls.  Any suggestions would really help.”

Unstable men deserve sympathy, support, and care but not by getting into a relationship with them

As you are finding out, no one is perfect and this man has way too many issues.  I think he is a big distraction to you and probably not a great role model for your girls.  And when you  are tending to him, you are not paying attention to your girls who need it more than him.  After all he is not the baby and needs to act like a man, which he is not doing.

If you had not already given him deadlines and warnings, that would have been my advice first, but since you have already done that and he has failed the test repeatedly, in my opinion it is time to plan a transition.  Tell him to find a place to live separately so that when the lease is up, you both can move on.  A relationship that is based on pity is not likely to be healthy one because this is a needy man who will always have some need that you will need to satisfy.

There is no reason to completely abandon this man.  If he is a good man otherwise, it is fine for you to be a supportive friend, but unless you breakup with this man you will not be able to find another more normal relationship.