MYNIPPON

Summary:  Abuse of women is often conducted by people close to her and in the case below this helpless girl is a victim of domestic abuse perpetrated on her by husband and his family.  I give tips for a newly married woman in such circumstances to leave her husband and start a new life.

Pratima in Gwalior writes, “I am married to this guy for a year now.  This is my second marriage.  Before my marriage, I told Pradeep, my husband, whatever issues I had with my first husband and also I confessed about all the other casual relationships I had.  Despite us being in a very conservative country like India, he had no problems with me being a fun-loving girl.  It his second marriage too and that is why he was not so picky about his wife being a virgin on wedding night.  After our marriage, though, he fights with me that he can’t imagine that he married a loose girl like me.  Regardless of what starts a fight, he always manipulates me and brings up my past so that I get embarrassed and get quiet.  In addition he is accusing me that I flirt with his friends and neighbors.  Wherever we go, he charges me of making eye contact with cute guys.  He has also refused to allow me to work outside the house or engage in pursuing any of my hobbies and is forcing me to take care of his parents, who live with us in a typical joint family household in India.  He wants me to be a housewife and do all the household chores for the whole family.  His parents also mistreat me and when he comes home they all team up and harass me; I think my mother in law dominates my husband.  The only good thing is that he takes me out for romantic dates occasionally but that is not enough for a wife.  I need respect in the relationship.  I feel so miserable.  I keep crying whenever I am alone.  I am taking anti-depressants now.  He knows about this and he says I deserve that because I am running away from responsibilities of a daughter-in-law and wife.  I have asked him that this way I’ll go mad and if he can’t change then we better get a divorce.  To this he replied that he is not wrong; it’s me who is unfit for him and if I want then I can divorce him.  I requested him to together go to a marriage counselor but he refused.  I am so disgusted and depressed.  Had it been my first marriage I would have left him a long time back.  But I am so insecure about my future.  How would I face the world as a woman who got divorced twice by 25?  Will anyone marry a girl like me?  How will I live a lonely life?  For his sake I had stopped talking to any man in my life whether friend, cousin or ex but he is never happy with me.  Please suggest to me what should I do.  I am so helpless.”

How can Indian woman stop her harassment by in-laws?

1. While we all expect that one day we can find a spouse with whom we can share anything and everything without being judged or taken advantage of, and you did nothing wrong by expecting the same with your husband, the lifelong lesson that you can learn is that over-sharing is generally a bad idea.  Some things are better not shared.  You can now use this lesson in other walks of life going forward.
2. It is very obvious that you have married a manipulative man.  He is trying to do two things.  One, he is using the things that you shared with him to humiliate you and crush your self esteem to a point that you will do what he tells you and never fight back.  Two, he is using you as a slave and not giving you the respect and trust that you deserve as his wife.
3. You have married the wrong man.  Maybe you did not think it through or you did not know enough about him or maybe he even conned you.
4. I know it is a scary thought, but I want you to prepare to leave this man.  If you are so miserable in this marriage so early on — when all couples have the best time of their marriage — imagine how unhappy you will be in a few years when all couples see a decline in their marriage.
5. You say that you feel helpless so I am assuming that you do not have a lot of money saved.  I suggest that over the coming months, without disclosing this plan to him, start building a plan to leave him and start saving every penny that you can.  Do not share this plan with your own family members or friends unless you are confident that they will be supportive.  It is very common for family members and friends to often brush off such problems as usual challenges that any couple faces in a marriage.  They might even advise you to just swallow the pain.
6. Be very careful in dealing with him and his family.  Do not change your behavior in any significant way so that anyone will notice, but do what you need to do because you now have a plan to start a new life within a matter of months.
7. Regarding facing the world after a divorce, it cannot be worse than what you are going through right now.  People will talk — they always do — but at least you will be happier and better off.
8. You have not indicated how educated you are or if you are capable of finding a job immediately, but if you are educated, try to find a job so that you can be independent.  If you need to go back to school, do so and get the skills you need to find a job.  You can find a student loan to pay for your education that you can pay back once you find employment.
9. I also want you to understand that marriage is not the only mission in life.  You have already married twice and realized that it can actually bring unhappiness instead of joy, so you might be better off not marrying than being a slave to a dominant husband.  I am hopeful, though, that once you are independent, you can take your own sweet time to find a man who will respect you and love you like a normal man does.
10. As you go through this period, stay positive, keep taking your medication, and try to reconnect with your close friends and family members.  After all your problems will be over soon.