MYNIPPON

Summary:  Below is the case of a college student who has a huge crush on a somewhat older woman with whom he works part time.  While she considers him her best friend, he is falling for her.  I give him advice on how to deal with the situation.

Jose in Mexico City writes, “I’m 21 and the woman I hopelessly fell in love with is 36. I have been in love with her for 3 years now at least. I’m not sure during these three years when it became an obsession. The thing is she likes me a lot too and I’m her most intimate friend. I know things that women are shy to share even with their girl friends, stuff like her going to bed with someone.  While she is not my supervisor, she and I do work together a lot on projects within our company.  I’m desperately trying to hook up with girls my age but I am never really able to be with a girl and not to think of her. I try not to scare her away giving the impression that I want more then a best friend relationship. I have good reason to think she would immediately try to become distant both sentimentally and professionally. While she was dumped by a man that I know very well, she is still obviously in love with him. She suffers because of him.  Obviously she is not in love with me yet I’m very very dear to her. We are also different. I’m more introverted, but she is very extroverted. While she is already a professional success, I’m in college and work part time with her.  I have nothing to offer her other than my work, mind, time and soul. We are also living in a more conservative society. I think even if she would ever love me as a lover she would force distance because of the society. Sometimes I feel sorry for myself because I should be like any other college student, partying, and dating lots of girls, but I am so much in love with her that none of this interests me.  I feel that because of this dilemma I am not able to live my own life.  My life has become her life.  I am just hoping for a miracle to happen so that she will see my love for her.  If I lose her I lose not just my youth but also my life.  Or I guess if she rejects me completely maybe it will force me to stop thinking of her and become interested in another girl.  Please help.  I am sleepless, depressed, and going crazy.”

Desperate situations call for desperate measures

I think you have reached a point that doing something crazy is the only way for you to stop your suffering.  Now I am sure that you understand that when you do something so audacious there are risks.  The small risk in this case is that you may lose her friendship forever and that will be tragic but that may not happen.  What I would like you to do is to open your heart to her.  Tell her exactly how you feel.  If you are not good with words or may have a hard time saying it all without forgetting or making a fool of yourself, write it down in a letter and give it to her.  There are three possible outcomes:

1. You may find that she too felt the same way all along and never took the first step because she thought that you were too young for her or that you never thought of her romantically or that a relationship with you is not practical.  In that case once she knows how you feel, you can finally celebrate your love.  Yes, it maybe difficult for both of you because of the age difference in a conservative society, if you two truly love each other, you can overcome the barriers.
2. She may simply laugh it off as the raging hormones of a young man (trust me, while most women love attention, even if it comes inappropriately, and she might be thrilled to know that you feel this way, but may have the maturity to suggest what is best for both of you because she may not be interested romantically in you or may realize that a real relationship for the two of you may not work under the circumstances).  She will discuss with you why you should try to engage in relationships with women your age while she will continue to be your best friend.
3. She does not like that you think of her in this way and gets very upset.  She may want to gradually end the friendship because she is now afraid that if you are feeling something more than platonic emotions toward her, it is better to end it.

I still suggest that you follow my advice and have a heart-to-heart talk with her because it is better for her to know how you feel rather than you suffering alone.