MYNIPPON

Carol writes, “I have dated my boyfriend for 3 years now.  He was the first guy in my life (my first love) and I lost my virginity to him when I got into the university.  The first year went on smoothly, then as time went by he started beating me up, frequently hit me, slapped me or threatened to strip me and beat me when ever we had arguments.  I tried my best to please my boyfriend and give him whatever he needs.  Every time he brutally beats me up, he locks me up in his apartment so that no one can see what he has done to me or even discuss it with anyone.  I have asked him for a peaceful breakup but he says until he is tired of abusing me we will not split up. He always threatens to harm me if I leave him. I really love him so much.  Sometimes I think no one else will love me. I wish he could change but I don’t see that coming.  What am I supposed to do?”

This relationship has deteriorated to a level that there is no need to wait for a pleasant breakup.  You have already done way too much and there is nothing else left for you to do save this relationship.  Actually, I suspect that you may even become a victim of his violent behavior to a level that you might end up in hospital or even dead.  That is why I encourage you to immediately seek help from police and relocate to a safe place.  Also reach out to your family and friends to seek the help of an attorney to get a restraining order against him.  The situation has reached a point that this will not end well if you do not move to a safe place and use the power of law to save your life.  This man not only has serious mental and emotional problems, he is also turning into a psychopath.

While I would like you to deal with your other issues at a later time, let me just say that this relationship is over.  What you feel as love is actually codependency because love is a mutual feeling in which each partner supports the other and treats the other with respect and affection.  That is not happening here.  The only reason you think that you love him is because you have convinced yourself that he is your only hope (and he has played a part in making you feel that way by destroying your self esteem completely).  Regardless of how you look or what kind of person you are, I am sure that there are dozens of things that are wonderful about you, and I am confident that another man would happily love you.