MYNIPPON

Paul writes, “I am turning 30 soon and I am dating a 63 year old, who happens to be the mother of my best friend growing up. She looks like she’s in her late forties. She’s dark skinned, very sweet and full of energy, sexy, amazing body, smells nice, hikes, works out, does pilates, walks my dog when I’m at work, and does my dishes, feeds my dogs before I get home from work if I’m there late. I related to my family that I was in an intimate relationship with her and in retrospect I wish I hadn’t opened my mouth, but it’s happened and now my mother has disowned me (she’s called me all manner of horrible words that the whole relationship is disgusting, disgraceful, dishonorable, horrible, in bad taste, embarrassment to the family, etc.) and thinks my lady friend should be hung and stoned to death. We’re moving away soon to pursue my business desires, but wow, I started thinking what if I had been gay, would she have accepted that better? She’s a devout Roman Catholic, so of course she doesn’t practice what she preaches; that is, forgiveness, Ten Commandments, etc. My sister is now seeking therapy since this family blowup and my mom is no longer talking to the two of us. My family is just insane. My parents think I’m a not man enough because my girlfriend buys me things. I’m not sure if I should apply the same logic to my mother who has never worked in her life and my dad has provided for her whole life.  The pressure on us is pretty constant and brutal coming from all sides and we do not get intimate in public, so it’s not like we’re out on the town making out in corners or holding hands on a cold winter day. We just don’t do that, it’s really just a great friendship turned intimate, the sexual side is only a few months old. We both know it might not last, but are willing to enjoy it while it does. My parents demanded that we break up immediately, but I’m of the opinion that I’m thirty years old and you can’t tell me who I can and can’t date. They did that to my sister at least a couple times in her life.  So I started planning a relocation. We’re moving away together soon, but I’m not even going to tell my parents. I love my family, but this relationship is just too much for everyone so we’ll run away together for a little while and enjoy ourselves and I’ll try to get myself set up in a new job doing the same thing I do now. I’ll at least have her financial backing to start my business anew.  What do you think?”

Parents have only a limited role in the private lives of adult children:    It is definitely a delicate situation and I am not surprised that your parents completely freaked out.   I wrote previously how parents of a mature woman freaked out about her younger BF.

I completely support your decisions because as uncomfortable as it is for your parents, there is no justification for them to tell you what to do.  In any case, as you describe, your family has been pretty dysfunctional to start with but you could have been more tactful telling your parents about your older girlfriend, as you now realize.  Rather than just making an announcement, you should have gradually invited your older GF into the family.  A good example is how this woman announced her older boyfriend to her family.

Sometimes parents deserve to be ignored:    So go ahead and start a new life but there is no reason to share way too many details.  These days with cell phones and email addresses that work everywhere, your parents will be able to contact you in case of something important, but you sure will be able to enjoy your relationship without parents judging you.  Life is too short not to enjoy whatever comes our way.