Kara writes, “I am in my very first relationship and my boyfriend is 19 years older than me and has three kids with two other women. He has so much baggage from previous marriages and girlfriends that it drives me crazy! We get into so many fights because it hurts me so much and we can’t move on until I let it go. I saved myself for him and it has gotten to the point where he doesn’t care any more. I want this to work SO badly and I feel like he could care less if I left. In fact, he’s told me that! All he cares about is seeing his children again (the mother has custody in another state). He doesn’t treat me like a lady any more and is extremely impatient. There’s cussing and name calling…I’m a sensitive person so I cry for everything which makes it worse… The sparks aren’t there anymore but then we have our moments and I wanna fall in love all over again! I feel like I’ve put SO much into this (it’s been 2 years) and I don’t want to have a life with someone else! I gave him my heart and soul Right now he keeps telling me that it’s never gonna work out. Not like this. I’m so discouraged because I feel like the only one keeping this together. I don’t know what to do…I have nowhere else to go either…I’m barely in college with nobody else to live with. I live with him and his parents and pay for all our food and necessities while he sits on the computer all day. I feel bad for him and he got me out of a really bad family situation so I guess I feel I owe him but I don’t feel like it’s about me any more…there’s so much and I don’t know what to do…:(
Right now this is a one-sided romance: The signs could not be clearer: he does not want you, he is not making an effort to invest in the relationship, and he is mistreating you to push you out. The only thing he has not done so far yet is to actually take your belongings and throw you out with them, but if you wait long enough, he might very well do that as well. Indeed, he saved you from a difficult situation and you should always be thankful to him (and if you have not already returned the favor, you can some day in some form) but that does not mean you have to force a relationship on him.
Anyone can make a mistake in relationships: Kara, you entered into this relationship for emotional reasons but a one-sided relationship cannot stand on its own. He couldn’t be clearer that you end it as soon as possible because he has too many things on his plate. You are much more emotionally invested in this because this is your first relationship, you lost your virginity to him, and you want it to work, but if you think critically, it is obvious that you are also desperate and unable to leave.
Plan to leave on your own terms: My advice would be not to wait till he physically throws you out. You just have to admit that you made a mistake, learn from it, and move on. It is much better for you to plan a smooth exit by figuring out how you are going to pay to live some place else, and then leave with your dignity still intact.