Tips on casual relationships
A man shares his experience after his wife becomes frigid

By Bob Wright

I am an American male in my mid-30's. I'm married to a Japanese woman I met in the US, and we live in the US now. Having lived for a few years in Japan (as a lowly English teacher), I also learned to speak passable Japanese.  (Related article:  How to find a casual relationship?)

My wife is about 10 years older than me, a beautiful woman I love dearly. But we have a not totally uncommon problem: her low drive for physical intimacy. She has always been low energy, becomes cold quickly, and it would be best to call her 'frigid'. When we make love, it's good--but it's rare. This did surprise me a little since I was always led to believe that Japanese women were extremely passionate in bed. Naturally, especially since I am her opposite in this regard, tension developed. Her solution? "Why don't you just find a younger woman?" Since this was initially suggested during a nasty argument, I didn't take her seriously. And honestly, I didn't want to do so. But then, in the course of several "calm" conversations, she reiterated this idea. After all, she had had two brief affairs with older married men when in her 20's. Of course, that was in Japan. I am told that adultery is fairly common in Japan and since personal relationships there are what they should be - private business. No wonder, it is perfectly acceptable to go to bed with whomsoever you like and no one will make a big deal about it, as they do here in the US. I had heard that young women in Japanese companies go to bed with their senior male colleagues either because they just work too hard and have no time to find a boyfriend or it helps them move up the ladder. Many of these men are very lonely anyway.  (Related article:  How to manage casual relationships?)

Well, I finally started searching on the Internet. Not for Japanese women, just anyone. We live in the American south, a conservative area. I learned quickly that my location, and the fact that there seemed to be plenty of other men with frigid wives out seeking extra-marital partners (most common no-no on women's personal ads: NO MARRIED MEN) limited my possibilities. Two meetings arranged, both big zeroes (first women was too large for my liking, and second, a smoker/party girl and not terribly attractive either).  (Related:  Japanese wife)

Last year we were going to Tokyo for a while, and I posted some ads in international sections of personals pages. I responded to many also, but only got a few responses, mostly "I'm not looking for a casual relationship; I want a boyfriend." But right before we left, I got a positive response.

Truth was, she wasn't what I was hoping for. I had hoped to find one of these "desperate housewives" I have heard about and read about. Mahoko was a 25 year old college student, and what a life she turned out to be leading! She had had casual relationships with three men, all foreigners (an Englishman, an Italian, and a Frenchman). Just sowing her wild oats, and interested in foreign men. Oh! and wanting to practice her English (of course!).  (Related:  Smart dating)

We met and sized each other up at a "kissaten", as coffee shops are called in Japan and a first date typically happens there. She was very pretty, but with an atypical Japanese figure. She had jet black hair and dressed in a red shirt with a scarf (Belisi scarves) around her neck. I kept imagining what it would be like to be with her. We talked and I couldn't tell if she was interested in me or not, so I just went with the flow. But, she agreed to meet again for an "afternoon delight", which is an euphemism for an adventure indulged by both men and women so that spouses/partners would not come to know about it.  (Related:  Right age for dating someone younger)

When we met next time at Hachioji in Shibuya, it was hard for me to believe that it was real. For a moment, I was even surprised that it was Mahoko - she looked even more ravishing. She had a skin tight purple silk top and a black mini-skirt slit on the side that barely covered her legs and ample rear. She led me to a street filled with "love hotels," and in we went. In no time, she had let her skirt fall to the floor and I helped her out of her tight top. Her embroidered mesh bra/garter set showed me how much attention Japanese women pay to their lingerie. From then on there was simply no time to wait. And thus was one of the most exhausting afternoons I have ever known spent. I got home that evening completely exhausted, fulfilled, and satisfied.  (Related:  End casual relationship)

We couldn't meet again. I had to leave shortly after that. But I hope the next time I return to Japan, we can. Or perhaps I will meet one of these "desperate housewives" and we can fill in the missing spaces for each other's lives. One can always dream!

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