Margaret, a
23-year old woman is in a
lesbian relationship with Tracy. She writes, "I
am
shy in a lot of ways. I can be outgoing with friends
or in very small groups of people. I don't usually say
anything in large groups of people. I don't have very many
friends. I never
talk to strangers. I rarely go out to
parties
and when I do, I find myself hiding in the back corner or
leaving the group and going for a walk. I am not a very
assertive person and I think that I lack verbal
communication skills. I am trying to improve both of
those and I can see the progress but it is little by
little over a long period of time. Tracy wants me to
be more aggressive and
adventurous in bed. This is hard for me because no one
has ever wanted (or at least asked) me to do this. I feel
like I am opening up to her but like I said it is so
slowly that for the most part she doesn't see it. It is
very hard for me to be aggressive and I get very
intimidated by her. I feel like my relationship with her
is dependent upon this, which is sad because I really care
for her and want to be with her. Is there any help
that you can give me? Or am I doomed?"
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Shyness and
being
aggressive in bed are sort of two different but
related issues. Let me clarify. For example, people who
are not shy
at all in social settings actually quite unexciting in
the
bedroom. Plus, I have know people who can actually be
very aggressive in bed but act like a chicken in a group
of people. Generally speaking, though, many
shy people in social situations can also be
shy in bed, and that is who you are. Secondly,
I believe that a
woman should love her girlfriend as she is and
to expect that someone will change radically is
unacceptable. And to put any pressure on that
person to change is simply counter-productive. So
while it is a good idea for you to
become less shy overall, if it makes you
miserable in the process because of the stress you
feel being with her, well, the relationship might
not be worth it.
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 So
having said all of that, I suggest that for the
time being you work on your social skills little
by little - it will take time and effort. For
example, if you like small groups, well, try to
socialize more often in small groups. Organize
get-togethers with people that you really bond
with and when you do it more often you get more
comfortable being around people. Little by little
you will realize that people are generally quite
warm and friendly. You will also realize that when
you grow your small group from 5 to 6 to 8 to 10
and so on, you will suddenly feel far more
confident in a large group.
How about being aggressive and
adventurous in bed?
I think
this is a more immediate issue that you need to work on
and that should be your priority. I gather that
Tracy is the more
aggressive type and she just wants you to be a more
active player during intimacy. If that is the case, I
would suggest that you still go with one step at a time
but it should be one thing that she will notice. And
what I mean by small things, for example, is let us say
that she is always the first one to
kiss you,
well, then we decide that you will
kiss her
first. In the next stage, for example, you might be
the one to pull down her jeans. You get the idea. I
expect that within a matter of weeks, you might be a
new person in the bedroom.
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