had a real relationship?
are not alone but you can easily do something about finding a
By John Elle
I was approached my MYNIPPON to write a column on my
experiences with helping men find
their first relationship, I was not pleased when I
was also given a word limit.
I have so many examples that I want to cite, but
let me focus on the learning and I will include a few
examples here and there to illustrate my point.
(Related article: Chick
me first clarify what I mean by "first
relationship." Believe it or not, I am talking about men who are adults but
have never had a proper relationship (defined as a
steady friendship that lasts three months or longer and
involves at least one in-person meeting a week and at
least two electronic communication a week).
After working with dozens of clients over the
years, I have seen several common themes:
lack of self-confidence in front of the opposite
These are men who have
grown up either in a
single parent household or without a sister (Yes,
trust me on this one. Being
with female family members teaches you the basics of
treating women with respect and learning more about
them in a less stressful environment.)
(Related article: Self
confidence in men)
It could be something as simple as not
knowing how to dress or eat but it could even
include not being able to engage a woman in a
conversation and hold her attention for an extended
period of time.
If you are not an interesting person (and do
not have new information to share with a person),
you are unlikely to be perceived as fun by anyone.
of creativity in how to approach women. As Mike Pilinski,
the romance expert, says, “The
idea that you are going to walk up to some great
looking woman, reeking of low male status, and
stammer out some magical pick up
line, that you read
in a book somewhere, that will somehow force her to
overlook the fountain of deadly negative vibes you
are otherwise broadcasting is flat out
When you approach a woman and it is not a
memorable moment for her, you will soon be
knowing how to stop being a nice guy and becoming a
I have worked with many men who just could
not find women to date.
When they tried to be ‘nice’, girls would
end up talking about them as being ‘so nice’ but
then went home with someone else. This was actually good news to me as their advisor
because they had succeeded in at least attracting women to
them. The next step in their training was helping them beyond
being a ‘nice and/or cute guy’ to being a
A client of mine was actually so popular that
he was known as the ‘life of a party’ all over
town and got invited to almost every party but was
still single. His
phone would constantly ring but the callers were not
women who wanted to date him. They just wanted him at their party so that he could
entertain everyone for free.
secrets to overcoming these deficiencies and increasing
your chances to succeeding with women are listed below.
Of course, these are only broad guidelines since
you have got to find your own style so that it does not come
across as ‘artificial’ or ‘learned’.
You might want to work with an advisor who can
help you develop your own style and help you improve it
as you practice.
you have not had many opportunities to interact
with women, either because you went to a boys-only
school, or had no sister/mother at home, or just
feel simply uncomfortable in front of the opposite
sex, start off by finding opportunities of being
with lots of women without the pressure of dating
or having any of the usual tensions associated
I recommend my clients to find places to
work with lots of female employees, join voluntary
groups that attract women, or find something to do in
places frequented by women.
Eventually, you will start to feel
comfortable in presence of women, and then, you
flirt with them without
fear of being
all you are only practicing. Then you can go out in the real world and go after them
is acquired over a period of time and can be
determined by what school you went to, what your
parents taught you, and where you work. But you can learn it too.
And there is a lot of help out there with
personal coaches, books, and training schools.
If you do not have a unique personality,
you must develop an inventory of your attributes
and then decide which ones are not so common. Use them to develop your own unique style.
You do not need to totally
stand out, but
you should be memorable to someone who meets you
for the first time.
When you introduce yourself while
approaching a woman, make sure that you do not
come across as a pathetic
loser who does not know
how to behave in front of a pretty woman.
confident, natural, and creative – and
very likely, she will like you for who you are.
don’t be just a nice guy.
Remember your goal is not to be just nice
but to get to the next date and eventually a
The secret is that unless a woman wants
stand, she evaluates every man
through one single test:
man capable of being my
She may have no intention of ever marrying
you but that is how she is likely to evaluate you.
Dozens of women that I have interviewed
have told me that even when they are evaluating
men for totally non-romantic relationships (e.g.
business relationships, team members, etc.) they
still use the same lenses.
to succeed at dating? Rules
for relationships with men
to seduce women?
Why am I still single
How to get over a guy already in a relationship
I am desperate to leave my husband
Man not responding to my advances