How to motivate an obese spouse or family member to lose weight?
When you say/do nothing, you are not helping an obese person

By Pierre Coda

Have you ever noticed a couple in which one partner is in perfect shape and the other is totally out of shape. It always seems awkward and you often wonder what is wrong with this couple. Except for cases in which obesity is caused by a medical condition, in all other cases, we like to hold the spouse also responsible for his/her partner being out of shape while he/she is in great shape.  (Note:  While this article is written primarily for a couple, the same approach can be used for a friend or family member)

But wait; is it always that easy? Do you know how your spouse or partner will react if you told her/him that she/he was overeating and not exercising and looked not so attractive? It will not be a very pleasant conversation and that is why most of us do not even throw a hint. In fact to maintain the peace in the relationship, we even keep repeating "Oh, you look great. I love you the way you are...blah blah." The result: your partner does not realize what is wrong and continues on a path to self-destruction. And chances are that you are pretty depressed too. You probably look at other handsome men/women and are even tempted to cheat on your spouse.

Our verdict: No matter what the reason for your reluctance to tell your partner what is in the end best for her or him, but you have failed as a spouse/partner. While it is understandable how we try to avoid uncomfortable topics with our spouse, this is one area where you are not being helpful at all. In fact not only will your partner look less attractive, she or he is likely to have many more diseases due to obesity and probably die at a younger age. That means apart from the emotional trauma of living with an obese spouse, you might also need to spend more time in hospitals, more money on medical expenses, and of course, live without a spouse.

How can you help your spouse if she or he is obese and needs to do something about it?

1. First, think what kind of a person your spouse is. If s/he absolutely hates any feedback at all, do not be direct. If s/he is open to direct feedback, then also try not to tell her/him, "Honey, you are fat and ugly, and if you do not lose weight, I am leaving." On the other hand, be supportive, understanding, and sensitive.

2. We have found that the best way to approach the topic is to suggest something that both of you can do together. For instance, let us say that you think going on a diet is a great idea for her. What you should do is to suggest that for health reasons, you would like to switch to a lighter dinner three times a week. And then do it even though you are in great shape. Similarly, don't push her or him to go to the gym alone. On the other hand, organize physical activities together as a couple that provide physical exercise. So schedule a few days for hiking and you can join other people so that it does not seem that you are doing it as a way to lose weight. In fact, it will come across as a social activity. 

3. Provide positive feedback but do not compare against previous appearance. So do not say, "Oh, you look much better than before." She or he is likely to interpret it as negative because it implies that you did not like the previous appearance.

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