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Falling in love with a younger man

Challenges of a mature woman

What happens if you are 17 years older than the man you like? Well, if you are Demi Moore, you marry him (Ashton Kutcher is 17 years younger than her). However, if you are not a celebrity, you do face some challenges, as Kathy does. She is 37-year old, mother of two daughters (8 and 10), and in a dysfunctional relationship with her husband of 14 years.

Kathy tells me, "Not sure I was really ever in love with him. He had an ugly affair about 4 years ago. I tried my best to get over it. I am not in love with him at all. I hate sleeping with him. I pretend all the right things to keep the peace for the sake of the kids but I am dying inside." But the good and the bad news is that she has fallen in love with the 20-year old son of a family friend. Sounds like the perfect storyline to appear on the Jerry Springer Show, but she is serious about this relationship. And she can never go on television. "I am well educated and hold a highly influential position as does my husband in a small town," she says. "I feel like I might need a psychiatrist because if anyone else told me such a story that's the advice I would give them. I can't help my feelings for this young man. We are so much alike, want the same things in life, like romance, spontaneity, like a best friend, soul mate, etc., but the circumstances are so unconventional. Our families would flip out. What would I tell my kids? They know him as a friend. The age difference would eventually become a problem I assume even if it isn't now (I look/act very young for my age; often mistaken for 25-28). I feel so guilty for feeling this way but I have needs and I am tired of ignoring them. I am afraid I will become an ugly person if I ignore them much longer. Please offer some advice. There is no one I can tell about this. This is so ugly I know. Please help."

Photo of a couple in an intimate moment with the man lying with his head in his girl's lap First of all, what you are going through is already normal in America and there is no need for you to see a psychiatrist. I hear from dozens of women like you. It is just that as a society we are changing and far more open to such relationships now than we were 10-20 years ago. You are surprised because it is happening to you and you find it strange. In fact, during my research, I have not come across any rule in any book that says that we can find compatibility with people in only our age bracket. I have always believed that human mind is just too complex to see life through such simplistic lenses. If that is the man you find that you are compatible with, well that is what it is and you need to think about it in that context. (Related: My older boyfriend is too concerned with his age)

Your marriage is truly dysfunctional as you yourself tell me. And since that is the case, there is nothing wrong with taking charge of your life NOW rather than being miserable for the rest of your life. You already seem to have been miserable for a while. In any case, by cheating your husband lost any right he had to demand your love.

By the way you are only 17 years older than this man. Demi Moore married someone who is 15 years younger than her. Moore's eldest daughter Rumer is 17. So what you are feeling is not that crazy after all. And even if we ignore celebrities for a while, I have heard from couples that have gotten married with 20+ years age gap. I even like the new term they have for these relationships - intergenerational. (Related: How to talk about your younger boyfriend?)

Now whether you get a divorce become single-mom, or you get a divorce because you are attracted to another man in your age bracket, or whether you get it because you are attracted to a 20 year old - based on your situation it seems that all scenarios will make news in your town and be the subject of gossip. But that should not stop you from doing what you really want. So if this man is what you want, go for it, keep smiling, and just admit to everyone that you are in love and there is nothing wrong with that. Eventually your children will accept him and everyone else will either accept it too or move on to another juicy story in town. Some people might be offended but if this man is by your side, they will finally shut up.

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What do you think?