| When
dating people of other cultures and backgrounds,
misunderstandings are common. It happens even among
married couples who after years of being together still
encounter situations in which they don't understand why
their spouse is acting the way she or he does. What
can you do?Read below as we discuss the case of an
American student who just doesn't know how to explain the
awkward behavior of her
Japanese boyfriend. (Related
article:
Relationships in Japan)
Lisa,
who is 21, writes, "I have been here in Tokyo for six months and am just experiencing some troubles with a
Japanese guy. I met him through friends and we went out together a few times before he asked me 'tsukiatte'
(literal translation is "I like you" and he meant IT). I was then leaving for a trip abroad and when I came back we met again first with some other friends. We were doing
hanami (or watching cherry blossoms) and at a certain point he asked me for a walk. Then I gave him my answer which was positive. We kissed there, and it was not an intimate place. I even dared kiss him again on the way back (couldn't help it). Before reaching the spot we parted (he went to the toilet) and then it was as nothing had happened. But that didn't surprise me. The point is that four days have passed but he has not shown the kind of intimacy and feelings one would show in America after such romantic conversations. We missed each other a few times at the university where we both study. It might be due to my understanding of Japanese which is not all perfect, and today we met by chance, but didn't plan anything to do together. Now, is this normal to say all those nice things and then pretend as if nothing happened? I thought when two persons get together they just want to spend time together. Might I have frightened him so much? He has already had a gaijin girlfriend (same nationality actually), and has lived abroad, so...I actually thought it was quite brave of him to propose the way he did. I don't know what to think now."
Yes we are as confused as you are. There is one very unique quality of Japanese people. They can detach themselves from anything in no time. We know that in the evening they can go out with you,
engage in the wildest (and most intimate) activities with you, and next morning look at you as if nothing happened. At work, they will have a big fight one day with a colleague and then next day behave as if nothing happened. Some of it is explained by 'honne' and 'tatemae' (if you do not know what it is try to read our article on
honne and
tatemae). The other thing to know is that maybe he was expecting something out of you (for example, more physical intimacy) and said that he liked you just to make you feel good and you might be wrong to think that he meant it.
Another possibility - he is not genuinely committed to having a long term relationship with you (or with foreign girls) and when he realized that you were far too serious, he wants to give up right away so that you don't get hurt
- something that Japanese try to avoid at all cost.
It is indeed very frustrating for a lot of non-Japanese to appreciate this sort of behavior since we are so used to more direct communication.
This is what we would suggest because this is what a Japanese girl would do in your situation. Give another chance to this guy - for example, suggest to him that you would like to do something together (pick something that couples do but do not also make it feel like a serious date,
for instance, hanging out at a mall). If his behavior towards you is still not romantic enough, do not say anything to him and you should simply
consider that it is over and move on.
Recommended links:
Date
with a Japanese man
Romance Guide for Japan Japanese
girlfriend at American university campus
Right approach
to dating Asians
Move
to Japan Secrets
of Japanese women Manage
expectations in interracial romance
How
to get a Japanese girlfriend? Marriages
in Japan Deborah
Kemp's views on romance Seduction
of Japanese women
One
night stand with a Japanese woman
Romance
gone wrong with a Japanese
African
American men and Japanese women Declining
marriage rate in Japan Breaking
up Japanese style Women
dating Asian men Relationships
with Japanese women
Interracial
relationship with a Japanese Meeting
Japanese women Experiences
with Japanese women
A
Japanese man finds relationship with an American woman
Japanese
girlfriend Healthy
romantic relationship with a Japanese |