Lisa, who is 21, writes, "I have been here in Tokyo for six months and am just experiencing some troubles with a Japanese guy.   I met him through friends and we went out together a few times before he asked me 'tsukiatte' (literal translation is "I like you" and he meant IT).  I was then leaving for a trip abroad and when I came back we met again first with some other friends. We were doing hanami (or watching cherry blossoms) and at a certain point he asked me for a walk.  Then I gave him my answer which was positive. We kissed there, and it was not an intimate place. I even dared kiss him again on the way back (couldn't help it).  Before reaching the spot we parted (he went to the toilet) and then it was as nothing had happened.  But that didn't surprise me. The point is that four days have passed but he has not shown the kind of intimacy and feelings one would show in America after such romantic conversations. We missed each other a few times at the university where we both study.  It might be due to my understanding of Japanese which is not all perfect, and today we met by chance, but didn't plan anything to do together. Now, is this normal to say all those nice things and then pretend as if nothing happened?  I thought when two persons get together they just want to spend time together. Might I have frightened him so much?  He has already had a gaijin girlfriend (same nationality actually), and has lived abroad, so...I actually thought it was quite brave of him to propose the way he did. I don't know what to think now."

Yes we are as confused as you are. There is one very unique quality of Japanese people. They can detach themselves from anything in no time. We know that in the evening they can go out with you, engage in the wildest (and most intimate) activities with you, and next morning look at you as if nothing happened. At work, they will have a big fight one day with a colleague and then next day behave as if nothing happened. Some of it is explained by 'honne' and 'tatemae' (if you do not know what it is try to read our article on honne and tatemae).   The other thing to know is that maybe he was expecting something out of you (for example, more physical intimacy) and said that he liked you just to make you feel good and you might be wrong to think that he meant it.  Another possibility - he is not genuinely committed to having a long term relationship with you (or with foreign girls) and when he realized that you were far too serious, he wants to give up right away so that you don't get hurt - something that Japanese try to avoid at all cost.  It is indeed very frustrating for a lot of non-Japanese to appreciate this sort of behavior since we are so used to more direct communication.

This is what we would suggest because this is what a Japanese girl would do in your situation. Give another chance to this guy - for example, suggest to him that you would like to do something together (pick something that couples do but do not also make it feel like a serious date, for instance, hanging out at a mall).  If his behavior towards you is still not romantic enough, do not say anything to him and you should simply consider that it is over and move on.

Recommended links:  Date with a Japanese man    Romance Guide for Japan  Japanese girlfriend at American university campus      

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