“Firstly, I think the distance in a relationship, irrespective of how strong an individual is, can be more than enough of a challenge for anyone after a certain duration. People are naturally not meant to be apart. I do have good friends who have experienced long distance relationships, and they have all openly confessed to all manner of huge areas in unresolved difficulty by separations.

Indeed why should I allow my emotions to run away with me, over the inevitable? If I am loved and it is genuine, then playing the what-if game for either of us will only serve to increase boundaries and resentments on both sides.

So in this period of her chosen absence I must find resolution to act on things. Regardless of how hurt I feel at being left in silence or how personally I may and do indeed feel in moments. I need to put those to one side, and focus on how next time when she chooses to contact. Respond in a more mature and less emotional manner. This is not withholding my feelings, but more a way of seeing if the foundations still hold.

As for phone and email or text, I do and always have agreed that it is limited and prone to one’s mood and also a lot of misinterpretations. They can often be reactionary of hopes, desires and needs. Thus being misread and then redirected away from the meaning. This needs to be addressed with more precision and clarity of word and meaning. Control and trust and the unknowing of events whilst apart is the key factor in all of this. As is our age, experiences and expectations that are more intending.

When we first met over 2 years ago, we both feel that if I had flown back and we had not gone through all these periods away. That things would have evolved differently. But they haven’t and this needs to be accepted. We spent a year prior, exchanging histories and sharing in each other’s selves. It was a huge period of growth, bonds and hope of “This time, I have found my soul mate.” We both need to admit to each other that right now and by being apart we don’t have the perfect relationship.

Though it isn’t about perfection, it is about compromise and what we offer each other in return. What we both value and what our end desire is. We can only truly define ourselves, what love means to me, what space means to me. As long as I know I can trust myself, and I know I have been honest and faithful, I need to keep my dignity and not worry so much over others meeting my own high expectations.

When you mention joy, happiness and pleasure, she has and can fulfill these things in me. In person we do share and connect so deeply and bond. If I am to be completely honest, all our problems, evolve from baggage, and self fears. That when apart we have spent often more energy on projecting these fears, and trying to control them hopelessly.

I do believe she loves me, and we have both stated how faithful we are as people. Common sense tells me that having flown out 3 times now for 6 months and lived together, that my fears are just that……..fears. So on my last trip over for 9 weeks I promised myself that things would be different. No better but as loving as we knew they could be. We made huge ground too. I explained that I would not have even bothered to get on the plane or go for 9 weeks if I hadn’t felt we could make it. But that it was crucial for the relationship we did this.

Yet sadly on my return, she still had her same issues. This hurt me and so I reacted, hence why she is being silent! I know full well she is not always well, and so here silence is not personal but as she say her taking care of herself. She states this will be better for us both in the long run. But without some form of access it is difficult to not feel ignored in moments or denied one’s reciprocal worth. Regardless of her reasons which I respect and understand, I do feel it invalidates any compromise or concern over the other.

I had a lot of therapy over a year to deal with my baggage, to control my anxiety, panic and fear. To learn to be more rational. To let her see I valued and believed her and had self respect to do this. So all I can do right now is reflect and wait and give her what she wants, space. All I can do is hope that by doing this, she finally sees my efforts and seriousness. That if we desire this to work we both need to agree that things definitely need to change and that we mean it.

I do sincerely believe that distance is and has been a majority and massive factor in our troubles. But if we intend to continue and it is as we both profess and believe it to be “LOVE” then our truer selves and hearts will find a way. If on the other hand it is not “ LOVE” then we need to do as you point out. Be honest with ourselves first and express why not without causing hurt to the other.

Finally! I do feel that for both of us to keep saying “I Love you” and living on the statement is insufficient and needs to be addressed. But to keep saying you do is ultimately more damaging than not. And we cannot be saying if you love me you would do this either. I am going to sit down and think hard over and define what she means and what all this is in relation to the pluses and minuses and see which side it sits.”

“I guess I gave her my all and was more than willing to give her anything she needed. I was quite happy to give her space to get well. I don’t even know if she truly is unwell or felt that because she often had been. What amazes me most in all of it was that 2 weeks ago I got 4 emails all confessing her love, the things we can do, how she missed me so deeply. She’d wanted to plan everything out for our vacation together. Then we have one stupid argument over nothing and it all comes to this.

How can anyone keep saying they love you as many times as she has and does? If she has somebody else or interest in moving on, after all the years we’ve worked at this. And considering how faithful to Christ she tells me she is, then it surprises me of her lack of honesty. I even expressly told her in my email, that if it was over and she had finished I would accept this but to let me know.

As for being needy or desperate to be with her. We’re thousands of miles apart, and she was the one who kept telling me how she wanted us to be together all the time. I feel like I’ve been emotionally led on up the garden path. I was just tired of being away from her and missing her so much, and maybe too emotional for a guy.

I know I have made mistakes, I willingly admit this. But I made every effort to trust and believe her. I can only assume she doesn’t give a damn about me, my life, or anything but herself.

If she has or is ending it, and if she is as Christian as she professes, then I am sure it won’t be too hard to do for her. I just cannot believe after all the promises and things she said, that one disagreement, which she knows was really over nothing, is enough for her to walk away.

Why did she even bother to ask me to go for 9 weeks to be with her? Tell me she didn’t want me to leave, but for us to stay together and all she did. I always thought loving somebody was about telling the truth? Good or bad, for better or for worse. I was always willing to stick by her. And yes, I was desperately seeking ways for us to “BE” together, as she kept saying she only desired for us to be together. She herself has been just as needy to me.

At least I won’t feel half so angry and lied to if she just tells me the truth. I had given absolutely everything to her and this, everything, and was so willing to do anything she asked, so she knew I was committed.

Why did she bother chasing me for a year, made me fly over across the pond three times and all of it and the work and progress we’d made if she had no intention? I feel cheated in some ways. She must be either deeply confused, very ill or mentally have big problems. And I wonder if her counselor made me out to be the villain. It angers me that in her counselor’s office we all sat there and knew and agreed that couples will argue, and that distance is hard, but we agreed to set periods to cool off. And her counselor even had the nerve to say, she loves you and wants to be with you.

This is not a woman in a “normal” state of mind and that is why most of her behavior is perplexing. I have been patient for a long time now and it seems that I still want to make it work and patiently wait. Unfortunately, either because she is so demanding and/or dominant or I am not so assertive in making my wishes known, the ball is apparently always in her court and I do nothing but wait.

I am not sure that she analyzes everything as critically as I do and just does things impulsively.”

Regarding his being immature, well, he is just a teen so it makes sense. The only reason that you being a teenager yourself feel that he is immature is that girls tend to mature earlier than boys.

As you can imagine, no parent likes the idea of teenagers having sex (remember the movie Juno or how Bristol Palin got pregnant). The reason is simple: most teens are not mature enough to deal with it, and even worse, you could get pregnant. which will be disastrous. And with an immature guy like that, hmm….I am not sure if he can be trusted to have safe sex or be discreet or not mess up.

So here is what I want you to do:

1. This dude is immature. Keep an eye on him and hope that he will grow up. Some guys do; others don’t. So keep a watchful eye on him. You definitely don’t want to go to the moon with an immature guy.
2. Your mom is angry right now, and rightfully so. If as a teen you find him immature, imagine what your mom thinks of him. She probably thinks he is a baby. So you will need to get your mother’s trust back and that means being a good girl for many days/weeks to come. You will have to prove to her that you are responsible, that you don’t sneak behind her back and do things that she does not want you to do. She means nothing else but good for you.
3. And while you may not want to hear it, but I personally think that you should give your body to someone more mature. I know you want to do it as soon as possible (oh these hormones!) but sex is something special and it is nice to do it with a guy who knows what he is doing and will be your long term friend not just some immature kid in high school.

Adultery is not easy

As you can probably understand, he is probably dealing with serious problems in his marriage at home right now. That is why he has switched off his phone and is not able to speak to you. I hope you can understand that his wife must give him a very difficult time (if your husband doesn’t, you are a lucky woman) over the relationship with you. It is not easy for him to have you. He loves you but cannot leave his family either. Definitely his heart is with you but he is also responsible to his legally married wife.

You two have been together a long time and I doubt if he has ended the relationship. Most likely, he just wants to deal with problems at his home right now. So it is best that you not call him and bother him. Be patient and hopefully after the trouble at home is over, he will call you.

Remember that he is a married man and you are the other woman; so you will always come second. Patience is a great virtue and it will pay off if you quietly wait for him to contact you again.