Dating mother of my best friend
Andrew is a 19-year old secretly dating a 39-year old woman. “She is a beautiful and intelligent woman with a great sense of humor. We don’t get to see each other much since our relationship is a “secret,” reason being that I’m a close friend of her sons (who are both 19). We get little time, but the time we spend together is amazing. It’s been 6 months since we first got together, and on that first night together we both connected in a way I’ve never felt before.
We both know and have told each other how we feel, but that doesn’t seem enough for her to tell others about us. She is scared in case she loses her sons; she has once before but for different reasons. I understand where she’s coming from, but I know both her sons well, and I know that there is nothing that can come between them. Her sister was in a similar relationship, with a seventeen year gap, which they don’t seem to make a big deal out of. I’m surprised that they haven’t confronted us; there have been many occasions where we have been together and they have caught us kissing, or the fact that I would spend time with her as opposed to going out with both of them. They do know something has been going on, but they haven’t said anything to either of us, it just seems normal.
She has been through a lot in her life, things which can affect woman long-term or for the rest of their life. Because of that her trust for men has depleted. She finds it hard to trust me. That being said, she has also had past relationships with losers. It kills me when she talks about it, even though she is comfortable with it; to me she deserves the best, and I hope I can provide her with the best. These past experiences have affected her, she is strong to have overcome them.
Neither of us like the fact that we have to sneak around, it does get stressful when we don’t see each other for weeks, or lately for months. We have strong feelings for each other, so should we be sneaking around? With every action there is a consequence, and the consequence here is the possibility of friction on her side of the family, from what she tells me that is, and the possibility of me losing two of my closest friends, which, personally, I don’t believe would happen. I think she is acting on the consequences a bit much. Her past relationships haven’t been so great, from what she has told me, and what I’ve seen also, she does go for the wrong men. Therefore, I think her family should accept it, since they know the kind of person I am. I would never hurt her. Everything I do, I do to make her happy.
So, the fact that there’s a twenty year gap, that I’m friends with her sons, and the fact that she finds it tough to trust men makes the relationship hard, not for me, but for her. But that doesn’t change the fact that she still wants to see me. I’m scared of losing her, no one has made me feel like this before.
I want to show her the person I can be, not just the person that sneaks around and who she sees every month. I want to give her everything she deserves. Any advice you can give me is greatly helpful. I don’t have anyone to talk to about this.”
How to deal with this situation?
Wow, yours is a very delicate situation. I spent a great deal of time going through your email and I get the impression that your attraction towards this woman and her towards you is not a “crush.” Looks as if you both are in love.
The question that you have to ask yourself is where do you see the relationship going in the future. Can you envision a long-term relationship with her? Can you envision marrying her some day? If the answer to both questions is Yes, (and I am reading between the lines that it is a big Yes) then I think you should go public with your relationship. Obviously, it will ruffle some feathers among friends/family members and you may need to do some work being accepted by her sons (it looks as if they already know everything and are mature enough to stay quiet because they think that if it makes their mother happy, they have no business to rob her of her pleasure).
If the answer to those two questions above is No, then do not change the status quo. It might simply make things difficult for her. You have not indicated what she wants – does she want to go public or she just wants a “secret” relationship with you. If she wants to go public too, then do as I said above. If she wants a secret relationship for whatever reason, it is fine for you to have a good time as long as and as frequently as possible, but you will need to find a relationship with another woman, for which you have plenty of time – you are just 19.
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