Dating in your 40s
Heather is a 40-year old who has never dated and only now she is starting out with Internet dating. She writes, “I have used an online dating website to make friends/pals for two years. I met one guy there and we dated nine months before I found out that his mother still controlled his life. While I was having problems with him, I made friends with someone. He would chat or drop short emails to me, responding to mine or to say hello. Of course I asked many questions. He finally asked me out when he knew I had split with the BF. He said he did not want to cause any problems but would like to meet and thought we could become best friends. After some more time passed, he finally said he really liked the way I seemed to be and how I talked (we have talked on the phone almost a month and a half) and really wanted to meet, whether we just became good friends or it grew to something more. I met the guy for brunch. He is very serious about work: farmer, volunteer fireman, runs a siding business, and taking EMS classes. I asked how he could make time for dating (since now he says he would like to date me) and he said he would drop something to make time. He says that he tries to “keep busy to stay out of trouble” but really wants a relationship with the right woman. He calls me on his cell phone (no home phone), and at no particular time nor day, so that is not my concern. I just wonder if I am too nosey since I want to know what his home phone number is and what is his home address. I know he does not know me and I have not given him any info about me, but shouldn’t he give me his address or home number, or am I being a little too impatient? Two close female friends say his main phone could be his cell and he is smart not to give me his home address yet. He says he is divorced, but I just have this bad feeling that I don’t trust he is telling the truth. I have not seen a ring or ring marks on his finger, and he never talks about other women he has known. Only one time when I asked, he told me about the one he met since his divorce a year ago and said she did not want a relationship. Thanks for any suggestions as I have sought answers on many websites and am still dissatisfied.”
Is Heather being extra cautious?
Obviously, since you have not dated much, it does not hurt to be extra careful and learn as you go. Here are some more safety tips for dating online since the web is full of all kinds of weirdos.
Regarding this guy, well, a lot of people, myself included, no longer have a land line. I have only one number and that is what everyone uses to call me because no matter where I am, I can answer this phone. I think that he may be doing the same considering that he is also a volunteer fireman.
Regarding his home address, generally speaking, unless you were visiting him, no one will volunteer that information. Unless he is also hiding the town that he lives in, I wouldn’t be worried. Plus, even men are careful on the web these days — even women can turn into stalkers; so unless you trust that person, it is best not to give too much information too fast.
Regarding the wedding ring too, I wouldn’t worry too much. I have been married to my lovely wife for 7 years and since we got married in Las Vegas, we never got rings for ourselves. It doesn’t mean that we are not married or that we don’t love each other. Rings are just excuses to buy jewelry. I know tons of people who cheat while wearing their wedding rings and I know lots of other people who have never married but are living monogamous lives.
I think if you like him, you should continue to date him. For safety reasons, you could continue to meet in a public place for a few dates more and if he invites you to his home, go there during the day time in the beginning and bring your cell phone with you. As you spend more time with him you might learn more about his ex wife and other things about him that seem to be bothering you. If you still like him, you can date him like you will date anyone else.
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