How can I manage a long distance relationship?
Martin writes, “My girlfriend and I have been going out for about 8 months, we are both around the same age (early 20’s), this is my first serious relationship but she’s had quite a few since she was a lot younger. We hooked up knowing I was going overseas and had plans to break up when I left, but after I left, we ended up changing our minds, so we are still together and have been doing the long distance thing for 2 months now and I’m going to be away for a few months more. Over the weekend, we had a big fight and now both of us are trying to work out what we should do about our relationship. Both of us still love each other but obviously want what is best for each other and the relationship. The fight we had was about her seeing her ex-boyfriend. She has other ex-boyfriends who I’m cool with, but this one I’ve had an issue with (based on things that were happening between them early in the relationship). I know she’d never cheat on me but I was still not exactly over the moon about them meeting up and trying to become friends. She continued to insist and I agreed that it’d be cool if they meet up and have a chat as long as it was just coffee or lunch during the day. From there maybe I’d be OK with them becoming friends again part. Earlier this week, she sent me a message saying she was planning to have dinner with him. I replied explaining that I didn’t like the idea (basically I hoped she would not go ahead but didn’t want to tell her not to do it directly), she later replied saying she was already out with him. I became frustrated and began messaging her asking her to make sure they don’t stay too long or get drunk. From there, we had a series of messages in which I said things I kind of regret and were a bit rude and controlling. She eventually called and told me they had finished dinner and were now out for drinks, I told her this was too much too fast. She said she still had things to talk to him about and insisted I give her another hour after which she would call back. She did not reply to my messages for 3 hours (this of course made me very anxious and so I became angrier with her). When she replied, she said her phone battery had died but she had left her ex and was now hanging out at home with other friends. I called her and we argued a bit but managed to sort things out (so I thought).
The next day I messaged her a few times basically saying Good morning, how are you, love you, etc. but I got no reply till later that night. I asked to speak to her but she insisted we wait till the morning. The next morning I found out she lied to me, she had actually spent the whole night with her ex-boyfriend and his friends, and had taken them all back to her place and spent the day with them. Of course I felt incredibly betrayed that she did this and lied to me. She explained that she didn’t think she was doing anything wrong and that I should be cool with it. She thought if she had told me the truth at the time it would have upset me so much I may have done something stupid.
Since then we’ve continued to talk about it. She agreed she went too far but that she did this because she was angry with me. I’ve forgiven her but it’s made us both wonder whether a break is the best idea for us. Since this is my first serious relationship and we are doing it long distance, I’ve been getting anxious and have been acting controlling at times. She gets upset that I can’t seem to trust her. I do trust her logically but it’s the thoughts that pop into your head that you know are stupid but you can’t get rid of. When this happens I’ll often seek reassurance from her and if I don’t get it, I can get quite angry as I feel she doesn’t care. Over the two months I’ve gotten better and begun to trust her more and have been trying to give her more freedom. This incident set something off in her. Obviously she’s sick of me not completely trusting her but she’s also been wondering whether we really are right for each other. She feels she might be being selfish asking me to stay with her while I’m traveling and wonders whether I’m just staying with her because I think I want her long term just because she’s the first serious girlfriend I’ve had. I’ve been having similar fears but I know I do truly love her and don’t want to risk the relationship for the sake of hooking up with a few random girls while overseas. I’m scared that we may not survive a break because when we get back together, we may get jealous or suspicious of what the other did while we were apart.
Of course, if we stay together we may end up fighting more and eventually hate each other. When we were together back home, we got on really well. It’s just been a strain being so far apart. We generally message each other a few times a day and talk on the phone most days. In the last few days we’ve both been really confused and keep changing our minds. She has suggested an open relationship as one option but I don’t think I could handle it. I think if we are going to have a break, it’s best if we keep conversations to a minimum, maybe only once a week to say hi. Of course, my biggest fear is we have this break and she sees a whole bunch of other guys, especially scared of her seeing her ex, while I just spend the time alone missing her and on returning this screws up a really good relationship.
I’m really confused, not sure what to do. We spoke today and after talking through how we feel she said she thinks we should think for the next day or so. She was planning to have some girlfriends over and talk it over. I’ve spoken to my friends and one suggests we have a break, the other changes his mind as much as I do. Right now all I want to do is message her or speak to her but I realize this is probably a bad idea and I should wait a bit. What should I do?”
Long distance relationships are hard and not for everyone. And definitely not for those that do not trust each other blindly – it is obvious that you don’t trust her and are trying to remote control her life. It was simply not right for you to control her schedule – I don’t do that even to my wife and neither does she. It doesn’t matter how deep the relationship is, we all need space. I want to have the liberty to play a video game with my friends and she has the freedom to go to the mall with her friends. In other words, a long distance relationship will cause you more pain for no reason because you don’t trust her and torment yourself each moment thinking about what she could be doing.
It is not acceptable for anyone to socialize with one’s exes. The only time I recommend is when a couple have a child together. Obviously, they need to meet more often and even do some activities together for the sake of the child. Of course, this does not apply to you and her and that is why if she has a relationship with you, there is no reason for her to spend time with an ex.
Looking at your situation, I would strongly suggest that you take a break from each other without breaking up. The rules will be somewhat like this. You are not breaking up, and in the meantime, you will continue to be friends. Each one of you will be free to date other people and follow standard privacy practices. You don’t have to share something if you don’t want to. You can stay in touch as frequently as you both want to but she does not have to seek your permission to have dinner with someone or to come home at a certain time. Once you come back, you can reevaluate your relationship to see where you stand. If you are still in love, great. If not, it is time to move on.
I think you will have a good overseas trip if you are focusing on the trip rather than her. She too will feel better that you are not controlling her schedule. Chances are very high that if you guys are so much in love, over time you both will realize that you were meant for each other and will get back with a smile.
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