Doris writes, “I am in love with my friend who happens to be married. We have not had sex, but we have came close. We keep ending it but then our fling starts up in no time. Today we agreed to end it again; my heart is breaking because I do love him, I wish we could be together. He tells me the same, but it is just not an option. I don’t want to be the other woman, but leaving him is so hard. I need some tips on moving on with my life. How do I do it? How do I accept reality and get my head out of the clouds?”
You are in a very delicate situation and the reason you are at this point is that the heart is always stronger than the head. That is why despite recognizing what you are doing is fruitless you let the temptation suck you in. (Related: How to move on after breaking up with a married man)
I will suggest some hard choices and unless you are willing to make them, you might as well yield to the temptation and enjoy it. I do not believe in pain and suffering. My suggestion is always do the right thing but if you are going to do the wrong thing, you might as well enjoy it.
Now since you asked about moving on, the very first thing that you have to do is to make a promise to yourself and to someone else in your life that you will be accountable to, is to never have any contact with him again. When you will feel the temptation to contact him, you will first ask for this person’s permission and it is his responsibility to remind you and if possible stop you from doing it.
The second thing that you need to do is to look at your own personal situation and analyze what is missing in your life. There is nothing that cannot be replaced by something else. Right now you are using him to fill that void but if you deal with the main cause you will do just fine.
And finally, you must recognize that by dating a married man who will never be with you, you are essentially letting your own life pass by. Eventually, he will be with his wife and family while you will end up an old and lonely woman and it will be more difficult to find someone to spend your life with. Each day you waste on him you are wasting an opportunity to find your man who will love you and you will love him and together you can create your own beautiful world. And unless this man is Johnny Depp, I can’t imagine why you cannot find a man that is as good as him or even better.
And oh yes, if you just can’t do any of this, stop agonizing. Just go ahead and have sex. By denying sex, you are depriving yourself of the pleasure while for all practical purposes you both are committing something that is not socially acceptable. If you are so close, why not just do it? No one will ever believe you that you did not have sex when the two of you are ever caught and if this man thinks that he is not cheating on his wife because he has not had sex with you, he is only fooling himself.