Daisy writes, “I am a self-confident, married, working woman with a great job. On the exterior, I look very much in control of my life with a beautiful family and everything else that women dream of. However, I am attracted to a man at work who has been quietly giving me flirtatious signals. He makes plenty of eye contact, and meets me in corridors even though we are in different departments. I am fairly routine in my daily work schedule and he seems to finish his work the same time as me to say hello at the exit. He bought me a drink the other day and when I asked to return the favor, there was already another colleague who was buying him. I thanked him for it. On the way out of the pub, he called out from the pub (it was raining) and asked where was his drink. I said he had to take a rain-check and I would get him one another day. So another day came, and he walked with me to the cash machine. I said I had to take money as I know how much he drinks. Anyway, lots of eye contact that night. He excused himself to the toilet at one point, and I left. What do I want from this? I would like to know this guy, and if I cannot, I need advice to forget this guy.”
Why are we attracted to others even after marriage?
As you can very well realize, most of us never really get to marry the perfect partner. He or she simply does not exist. We make compromises. For example, a woman may really like those carefree, fun-loving, easy-going, band-member types but they don’t make any money, so she ends up marrying an accountant who brings a steady paycheck and enjoys listening, rather than creating, music. But that does not mean that she has ever given up on that musician or someone who is so carefree that he does not worry even if the world is coming to an end. That is probably where you are. Yes, you are with a man that gives you stability and comfort but there are parts of what you want from a man missing and that is why you seek it from someone else. Chances are this colleague has it and that is why he fascinates you.
Most women and men are faced with this dilemma several times in their lives. Many of them do breakup or get a divorce and pursue their lives with a new partner. They may not find the perfect partner but someone even closer to it than their previous partners. Breakups and divorces are often painful but worth it if you are really miserable in your current relationship and are strongly convinced that life with a new partner will be definitely better.
Many other men and women do not deliberately think about this either because of moral reasons or whatever else that makes it harder for them to leave their spouses. Yes, they maybe somewhat miserable and often wonder if they would be better off with another person, but before they think too much about it, life goes by, opportunities stop, and they die a sad death.
A somewhat less common scenario is people who have an extramarital relationship with their dream partner. It is not the perfect arrangement but it gives them a little bit of both: their marriage and family remains undisturbed while they can still have a semblance of a relationship with their dream partner. Unfortunately, these relationships rarely last a lifetime but people do get some happiness out of them.