My girlfriend has emotional issues
Karl, a 24 year old dating a woman 10 year older than him with two kids from a previous marriage and one kid with him, writes, “She was married for 10 years to someone who was basically a bit emotionally and verbally abusive. She got out of it and we got together. We have been together for 4 and a half years and I just feel that even after that long she still has these emotional barriers up and they just can’t be broken. She says she is never going to get married again which I can understand and can live with. But she also has in a slight way picked up some of the traits of her ex. She also is not very open with her emotions and everything is a “whatever.” She says, “Sorry, I don’t have the time to give you the attention you need. I have work, 3 kids and a house to keep up with and pets to take care of and I am exhausted at the end of the day. We live in the same house and I help her with all that was listed. I treat her two kids that aren’t mine like they are mine. What should I make of all of this?”
As you are already appreciative of, years of abuse can leave lifelong scars. That is what you are seeing. Some of these traits may not be so obvious in a new relationship (as the person can hide these due to the strong desire to look good for a new partner) but eventually emerge once the person is settled into a relationship. Having three kids to take care of is not very helpful either.
You seem to be doing all the right things but still it is not helping. She really needs to work with a therapist to get her issues resolved. She needs to get rid of all the negative stuff in her head and stop looking at all men, particularly you, with the same lens that she used for her ex-husband. Please convince her to get professional help because I cannot imagine how else can she get over this cynicism and build a solid, normal relationship with you.
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