Friend to lover not working out
Sonia writes, “I became friends with a colleague at the end of last year. We worked in the same office, but did not really know each. We then joined the same team and started knowing more about each other. I put in a lot of effort to get to know each other. We were at a office party once and the next thing I know, my friend said that it would be amazing to know what a kiss would feel like. It went further than that and I realized I fell in love; even before the kiss. Thereafter my friend said that it was simply an experiment and our feelings will never be the same. I know there must have been confusion for my friend as well, but this statement hurt me very much, as I was abused when I was much younger. During all of this, we both had issues with our living arrangements and so we now share a house that we decided to rent together. I’ve been trying to move on, but I’m a very sensitive soul and have never fallen in love as such; it has never been this intense. Our friendship is suffering very much at the moment and I’m well aware that my outlook is from a relationship point of view and not a friendship, whereas it’s not that for my friend. I’ve tried getting a partner and my friend has had several since we’ve been staying together. This hurts me so so much. In all, we are very different from each other; we think and even act very differently. At the moment I have no idea how our connection started (I wasn’t looking for anyone when this happened and my friend was distancing from a previous love) and I don’t know how we will remain friends. I’m not able to let the love go and I blame my friend for making a move; overstepping the friendship line. I have a history with depression and haven’t taken antidepressants for ages, but I’m losing myself completely and know I need to get back to the meds, or I might not survive. It hurts terribly that the caring, compassion, understanding and love I’ve given without my initiation, is not being returned and at the moment seen as an inconvenience to our friendship. My friend can be very cold and does not like talking too much. We’ve both jumped from moving out to making this friendship work. But I really struggle to let the love part go and am not always sure if I really want to; because it’s the first time I’ve felt this strongly; is there no meaning in that?”
Making a friendship into a relationship does not always work because we all have quite different expectations from our friends and lovers. For example, if your friend tells you something bitter that is good for you, chances are that you will take it as constructive criticism and try to work on it. The same comment from a lover seems unacceptable. What I mean is that if my friend tells me that I am getting fat and should lose some weight, I will start to diet and exercise because I know she is concerned about my health. However, if my girlfriend makes the same comment, I might think she is no longer attracted to me or she is planning to leave me.
In your case, you tried a romantic relationship and it did not work. You both realized that you were not ideal candidates for a relationship. It is perfectly normal and nothing to feel bad about. I suggest that you move out of the house so that you can truly move on. You can then focus on finding another lover. Yes, the platonic friendship is already over, but the longer you drag it on, the longer you are taking to find a true lover that will be more compatible.
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