Amber writes, “I cheated on my husband but then stopped since I really do not want to leave my husband as he is a great guy and provides well for our family. I have told no one about my extramarital affair and ended up all communication with my lover in the hope that I will forget every thing and move on. Now I have a bigger problem; it’s been a while since I have had any contact with the guy that I had an affair with but I can’t stop thinking about him. It’s so bad it’s starting to cause a problem in my marriage. I’ve been trying so hard to work on my marriage but it’s hard when my heart and mind is not in it. I want things to work at home but I can’t control how I feel about the other guy. I think my husband knows that I cheated on him because he says it in so many ways but I never answer when he brings it up. I’m not sure about how the other guy feels about me since we haven’t had any contact. I’m at the point where I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to be the reason my husband is not happy and I want things to work in my marriage but I just can’t forget the other guy. What do you recommend that I do to get things right at home?”
I am glad that you kept your affair a secret. The only reason your husband alludes to it is because your marriage is no longer normal and he assumes that there maybe someone else. If he is only hinting and not confronting you with evidence, he is simply suspecting that if you do not love him and treat him like a husband, maybe you love someone else.
You have put yourself in a predicament for which there is no easy solution. What I suggest is that you contact your lover and have a heart-to-heart discussion about your feelings. A lot of time has passed and maybe he is also at a point that he wants to leave his family and marry you. It is important that you get this straight because my understanding is that he merely wants you as a part-time lover and not as a wife.
If he is ready to marry you, it is best to leave your husband and move on with your life. You have already suffered a lot and have a right to move forward in a way that you are happy. Yes, your hubby is a great guy and a lot of pain will be caused to everyone around you, but trust me, you are not the first woman in the world to get a divorce. It will be alright and every thing will eventually work out.
If this lover vacillates and is not fully committed to marrying you, there are serious decisions to be made. First of all, you need therapy from a professional that will enable you to get out what is in your head and start all over again. Yes, it is possible. Secondly, you will need to get real. I mean if your husband is such a great guy, you do not want to leave him, and the other man does not want to marry you, then, you have absolutely no choice but to love him and treat him like a lover. That man was a delicious memory and just savor it (you can even fantasize that he is the one making love to you when it is your husband — it works for most people).
In the end, you have to realize that you will need to make hard choices. Either leave your husband and be happy single, or if you want all the comforts of being married to him, then you may need to love him (unless he agrees to an open relationship in which you both will remain married for the sake of children but both of you will be free to see other people). That is a very radical choice but couples in your situation often choose it for the sake of children or because of social reasons.