I love my brother in law
Meredith, a woman in her late 40s writes, “One year ago my sister was diagnosed with cancer. I moved from another state to help her, for several reasons. One was to leave my narcissistic boyfriend. The other, and primary reason, was to help her. During one of the first weeks I was here, she mentioned that she wanted me and her husband to get together if she died. Her husband and I did not know each other much before this. I don’t know if it was her green light or just that the two of us clicked, her husband and I started having an affair while she is still recovering. We have talked and learned so much about each other. Through all the obstacles of illness, financial pitfalls, and other family issues, my brother-in-law and I have been growing closer together. We have talked about how much alike we are, and we really are. We have talked about how much we will love each other forever, no matter what. My sister found out we were having sex about two months into it. He and I have tried to separate but we can’t stop ourselves. I lived with my sister most of the time, and I tried moving out for a while, but my sister kept asking me to come back, and of course I did in order to be closer to her and mostly to her husband. My sister has gone into remission, and recently moved out into a rental house. She “gave” her husband to me. And things are deteriorating quickly. Just shortly before she moved out, he was diagnosed as being bi-polar. And I believe he truly is. Some days he loves me, other days he is so sad and I can hardly talk to him. He visits with my sister. Has even spent nights with her. He tells me he won’t abandon her anymore than he would abandon me. I know she is wanting him to leave his house. This is so messed up. I have lost all of my family due to this. I have no friends any more due to this. I have been thinking that I need to leave. Let them figure out if they can make it work. And for the record, they have more problems between them than just me. And I do want to say that I truly love my sister, and regret all the pain she has endured because of me. I just have not been able to leave this man alone. Where do I go from here? Where do I start? Should I leave?”
It is very clear that you have put yourself in a sticky situation. As an outsider, I see that this couple has no happy future together. Regardless of what you do, and if she lives 2 months or 20 years, they are most likely not going to be together. You have already lost your family because of your actions. In other words, the damage is done. If you were to be with this man forever from now on, it is not going to be any more worse. I would have advised you to go ahead and do it with any other man since you would have found the man of your dreams. Indeed, you would have no family support system, but at least you will have a decent man to spend your life with.
Here is the big problem: this man is a lot of trouble. I am sure that you already know enough about bipolar disorder; if not, please do some reading. People with this disease are not normal and cannot lead normal lives or have normal relationships. Relationship with him will be a constant problem for you and you cannot be happy.
The reason you feel that he is such a good man is that you have just left an awful man and anything better than him seems like heaven. A swallowing an awful piece of food, even celery tastes delicious. Unless you too have bipolar disorder, you are simply talking to a man who is delusional and may have hallucinations all the time that he is with you. He simply assumes another personality when he is with you but that ain’t really him.
Considering this situation with his illness, I would say that you should consider leaving this man. In any other situation, I would have told you to just go back to your original home (or for that matter anywhere else in the world) for the time being. However, considering that you sister is so sick, and if you can control yourself, you can stay in the same and be with your sister and help her get rid of her husband. It is best that he is out of your and her life.
There are a lot of good men out there and if you just calm down and deal with one thing at a time, you will find him. Unfortunately, he is not that man because of his mental problems.
For those of you who may be reading this before having a relationship like this, I suggest don’t. Relationship with your brother-in-law is simply inappropriate.
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