Tony writes, “I think it was last year around this time when I met the most wonderful woman in the world. She was living in a platonic relationship with the father of her daughter; it had been this way for 6 years. I found this out the first couple of time we had sex as she had difficulty (pain even) and bled a little. On medical advice we were told it would be OK, as she was tense due to not having it for so long. We were seeing each other secretly at the time because she did not want to hurt her man even though they lived like brother and sister. This went on for 3 months; at this point she had the strength to ask him to leave. She crashed within herself with grief and things changed. This was the point that she started pushing me away. Although she had wanted him gone for years, she stated that she was beginning to despise me but realized that it was due to the circumstances and not me. We both started to have problems in our relationship as I tried to give her space to deal with her issues. For the past 11 months I have felt like I’m on a yo yo. When we are together sometimes we are happy, other times she does not even talk, and sex is a rare thing. Now her family knows we are together which is a step. Her ex saw us together and that was difficult for her. The initial passion has gone as these things do, yet I am left feeling hurt and lost. I don’t want to lose her yet should I stay? Her ex, she will not tell him about me and I still have to hide if he comes to the house to pick up his daughter, who although only 9, has understanding of what is going on. She actually tells me to hide!”
A woman hurt for years
As you are finding out, it is very weird for any woman to be in a platonic relationship with a man for 6 years. Something must have gone terribly wrong for her to accept that sort or arrangement. I know many couples do it for the sake of kids and others due to social pressure (divorce is not very well looked at by so many people, particularly in certain religions). In summary, living in that dysfunctional relationship has caused her a lot of trauma and psychological damage.
While she has made some progress by taking charge of her own life and asking that man to leave, the scars of the past have not gone away. You say that you love her and depending on how much you are willing to put up with her emotional problems, you have to convince her to seek therapy to heal her heart and move on. She has to gain her self esteem back, put the world around her in perspective, and only then can she have a ‘normal’ relationship and do things that regular couples do.
Therapy for healing
She has many issues to deal with and it has only been a few months since she threw her ex out. With time, everyone heals but if she has professional help, she can get over the painful past faster and build a loving relationship with you.