I am afraid of breaking up
A frequent reader of my blog decided to share the dilemma that he faces as he may have to breakup with a woman whom he loves because she has so many personality issues.
“Firstly, I think the distance in a relationship, irrespective of how strong an individual is, can be more than enough of a challenge for anyone after a certain duration. People are naturally not meant to be apart. I do have good friends who have experienced long distance relationships, and they have all openly confessed to all manner of huge areas in unresolved difficulty by separations.
Indeed why should I allow my emotions to run away with me, over the inevitable? If I am loved and it is genuine, then playing the what-if game for either of us will only serve to increase boundaries and resentments on both sides.
So in this period of her chosen absence I must find resolution to act on things. Regardless of how hurt I feel at being left in silence or how personally I may and do indeed feel in moments. I need to put those to one side, and focus on how next time when she chooses to contact. Respond in a more mature and less emotional manner. This is not withholding my feelings, but more a way of seeing if the foundations still hold.
As for phone and email or text, I do and always have agreed that it is limited and prone to one’s mood and also a lot of misinterpretations. They can often be reactionary of hopes, desires and needs. Thus being misread and then redirected away from the meaning. This needs to be addressed with more precision and clarity of word and meaning. Control and trust and the unknowing of events whilst apart is the key factor in all of this. As is our age, experiences and expectations that are more intending.
When we first met over 2 years ago, we both feel that if I had flown back and we had not gone through all these periods away. That things would have evolved differently. But they haven’t and this needs to be accepted. We spent a year prior, exchanging histories and sharing in each other’s selves. It was a huge period of growth, bonds and hope of “This time, I have found my soul mate.” We both need to admit to each other that right now and by being apart we don’t have the perfect relationship.
Though it isn’t about perfection, it is about compromise and what we offer each other in return. What we both value and what our end desire is. We can only truly define ourselves, what love means to me, what space means to me. As long as I know I can trust myself, and I know I have been honest and faithful, I need to keep my dignity and not worry so much over others meeting my own high expectations.
When you mention joy, happiness and pleasure, she has and can fulfill these things in me. In person we do share and connect so deeply and bond. If I am to be completely honest, all our problems, evolve from baggage, and self fears. That when apart we have spent often more energy on projecting these fears, and trying to control them hopelessly.
I do believe she loves me, and we have both stated how faithful we are as people. Common sense tells me that having flown out 3 times now for 6 months and lived together, that my fears are just that……..fears. So on my last trip over for 9 weeks I promised myself that things would be different. No better but as loving as we knew they could be. We made huge ground too. I explained that I would not have even bothered to get on the plane or go for 9 weeks if I hadn’t felt we could make it. But that it was crucial for the relationship we did this.
Yet sadly on my return, she still had her same issues. This hurt me and so I reacted, hence why she is being silent! I know full well she is not always well, and so here silence is not personal but as she say her taking care of herself. She states this will be better for us both in the long run. But without some form of access it is difficult to not feel ignored in moments or denied one’s reciprocal worth. Regardless of her reasons which I respect and understand, I do feel it invalidates any compromise or concern over the other.
I had a lot of therapy over a year to deal with my baggage, to control my anxiety, panic and fear. To learn to be more rational. To let her see I valued and believed her and had self respect to do this. So all I can do right now is reflect and wait and give her what she wants, space. All I can do is hope that by doing this, she finally sees my efforts and seriousness. That if we desire this to work we both need to agree that things definitely need to change and that we mean it.
I do sincerely believe that distance is and has been a majority and massive factor in our troubles. But if we intend to continue and it is as we both profess and believe it to be “LOVE” then our truer selves and hearts will find a way. If on the other hand it is not “ LOVE” then we need to do as you point out. Be honest with ourselves first and express why not without causing hurt to the other.
Finally! I do feel that for both of us to keep saying “I Love you” and living on the statement is insufficient and needs to be addressed. But to keep saying you do is ultimately more damaging than not. And we cannot be saying if you love me you would do this either. I am going to sit down and think hard over and define what she means and what all this is in relation to the pluses and minuses and see which side it sits.”
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