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Women wooed by cheating men
What to do when you are trying to find a relationship online and run into cheating husbands?
.......By Pierre Coda

Photo of a woman kissing her boy friendNancy from Portland, OR writes, "I took your advice (Related article:  Make online dating work for you) and signed up with a few online dating websites. I am in my late 30s. Of course I have been able to get into touch with a few great men, but to my shock, some of them are already married and are basically looking for extra-marital relationships. How do I screen these men out?"  (Related:  How to confront a cheater)

As pointed out in our previous story (Finding romance through the Internet) , while the online dating websites do allow us to find a relationship very efficiently, like anywhere else, there are people who will try to misuse the system. Our initial research showed that the free personals websites are the worse offenders. Since a credit card is not required, almost anyone can sign up without fear of being discovered. However in many families, husband and wife maintain separate credit cards and bank accounts and these men can easily post their ads on paid websites also. It reminds me of the offline world. Men can go pretty wild when they know that they are anonymous. No wonder most customers of prostitutes and visitors to adult entertainment centers tend to be out-of-towners.  (Related article:  Clues of a man cheating online)

Men cheat for to enjoy physical intimacy and very rarely for emotional reasons. In my research, I found that the #1 reason for men to cheat is when they are not getting enough intimacy or it is not to their liking (there are related reasons too; for example, when the wife is no longer the person who she used to be due to putting on weight, not taking care of herself, etc. Read April Masini's article: What to do when your partner is no longer the person you remember?). The second reason that men cheat is when they do not get what they want. For instance, I have interviewed men who went ahead and got intimacy from someone else when their wife refused to give what they wanted. Or they justified their trips to adult clubs by complaining that their wife is ugly, has put on weight, and is not attractive anymore (Men with multiple partners). Finally, some men are just not monogamous. They like to try new things no matter what. You are probably running into men in all three categories (Related article:  Keeping your man for life).

So what can you do?

  • I would say that the first thing to do is to stay with well-known, respected websites.  You should never post your ad on a free website or respond to an ad. If a man does not have enough money to find a relationship by paying 10-15 dollars a month, he is very likely a loser.

  • Watch out for other signs that married men are likely to show when they are cheating: suggesting dates at odd hours, refusing to meet during weekends, proposing intimacy (particularly in motel, car, etc.), profile that lacks a photo, abruptly cutting off communication (e.g. during an online chat or phone), refusing to give home phone number or physical address, avoiding questions about past/future, etc.  (Related:  How to stop cheating)

  • When you have a good match with a man, exchange emails, chat online, and talk over the phone for a reasonable period of time prior to going on a date. It is best to think of the first date as an exploratory date so that you can make some judgments about the person without the pressure of a date. A cup of coffee or drinks in the evening are better choices than a formal date. It is best to be in a public place. There is simply no reason to visit someone in a hotel room. (Related article:  Online dating safety tips)

  • If the man comes up with such excuses as 'no meaningful relationship with wife', 'about to divorce', 'planning to move on', 'she does not mind', etc., it is best to run. No matter how great he is, it is best not to get involved with a married man.

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