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Men
who are afraid to make a commitment
By Pierre Coda
We often help our
patrons with their lifestyle problems and, of course, two most popular categories for asking questions are
relationships
and health/fitness. We recently helped Cathy, a client of ours from Maine, and are publishing her case since we find that it will be of interest to a broader audience. She wrote, "I am dating a wonderful man who has two teenage children.
My children are young adults. He has been separated/divorced for about 2
years. I have been divorced 7 years and my children have met my date. We have been dating 9 months. How long should we wait before introducing the relationship to his children? His divorce was final 2
months ago. He has dated others - non seriously. He is an avoider by nature. Is
his time up?"
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You write that he has dated others and that is
definitely a red flag. When men say that they are not serious about other dates, they are essentially
lying. If you are dating someone for nine months, there is no justification for
him dating other women at the same time. I do not approve of non-serious dating unless
of course both partners agree that they are dating casually since it is hurting you and also hurting all these other women that he is dating. God knows what he is telling
the other women. I would not be surprised if he is telling them exactly what he is telling you.
(Related:
How to put a
relationship on hold?) To me it appears that he is basically still evaluating his options and you are just one of them since he does not feel that you have passed his test to be introduced to his kids. What I find interesting is that you tell us that he is an avoider by nature.
(Related article: How
to deal with commitment phobic men?) |
 Looks like he is not ready for a relationship with you yet. If you are convinced that he is the man for you and you would rather wait and show your commitment to him all this time, it is fine to do so while he evaluates his other options. Remember, though, that he might still leave you for someone else. You need to prepare yourself for this - after all life is all about bets and you could either win or lose this one.
(Related:
How to make
your boyfriend marry you)
You can also thoroughly evaluate your relationship now and take a hard and honest look at him.
Is he a long-term type of a guy ? Will his tendency to avoid responsibility and taking action become an issue at some point? Maybe it is time for you too to diversify your risks by non-seriously dating other men.
(Related:
Friend with benefits)
Remember you have been dating him for 9 months now and so it is no longer right for him to beat around the bush. I am not sure if you guys have been
physically intimate already. If so, he needs to give you a convincing answer that this
relationship has a future so that you can
decide accordingly.
What can women do when men do not want to commit?
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Treat it as a warning sign. One very simple reason a man may not want to commit is that either he is not
ready for a relationship or does not think you are the right person. So watch carefully and be prepared to walk away at short notice.
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Confront him politely. Men do not find this topic to be an easy one (psychologists call it
'commitment
phobia' or 'fear of commitment' and a man and commitment are not always friends) and will either avoid it, give a confusing answer, put you on hold, or simply
end the
relationship. None of these is a response that you want. So you need to approach this with tact. Tell him that you have been dating for a while and what can you do to make sure that you both can chart a course for the future. If he avoids the topic, then tell him that it is important for you to make some plans and you would like to set some milestones for the relationship. If he still does not want to demonstrate to you that he shares this
vision, it is better to diversify your risk by considering other men.
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Set some ground rules for your relationship if he is not yet ready to commit. For instance, rules for dating others, evaluating the relationship after one or three or six months and then deciding the next set of steps, etc.
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If none of this works, you can switch the relationship to a friendship as both of you evaluate your options. No need to have
an ugly breakup if the only issue for your relationship is long-term commitment. In today's America, where it is so hard to find someone who is 'made for you', it is best to give even someone who is remotely 'made for you' another chance.
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And of course the final option
is to simply
dump a commitment phobic man so that you can move on when he
doesn't want to.
Recommended:
Should
you take your Ex back? Dating
after divorce
Men with baggage
How to ask
a man to commit
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