Today as Joanne and I were running errands I explained a bit of my mental state to her.
When I begin to think about something over and over, it consumes me. I obsess over the thoughts, try to work solutions, figure out my best route, and go literally crazy over ideas. When I want or need something, that thought will be all that consumes me until that need or want is fulfilled or I’ve decided it’s time to give up.
Two years ago, I went through this kind of thinking about having a child. I wanted it so bad. Exactly one month to the day of standing in front of Joanne and saying if it happens, it happens, if it doesn’t, it doesn’t. I threw my hands in the air and my obsession ended. Then we were told about Deanna wanting to give Zadey up for adoption.
With wanting another child, it hasn’t been so easy.
I’ve mulled over getting pregnant and going through it all. But you know what, I just don’t want to. And I can’t totally explain why; it’s just something inside me says that’s not the route to go. I just don’t want to do it but I will if it’s my only means to having another child.
So, in trying to figure out my best route in this compulsive stage I’m currently in I asked Joanne one simple question.
On a scale from 1 to 10, how much do you want another baby? One being not at all a priority and 10 being the absolute highest on the priority list.
She thought about for a second and finally gave her answer as an 8, 9 , and 10.
OK, then I know where to go from here. We’ve got to have another baby and it’s time to work out a solution.
You know, regardless of how life was for the 4 months we lived with Deanna, I’d happily do it again for a couple of reasons:
She came to us easily, actually it was no effort at all and even though she was difficult at best to live with, the situation presented a clear outcome from all sides that was win-win.
The end result, Zadey I would have lived and waited longer with Deanna. When you look at my beautiful daughter, there are just no words to explain what you’d go through to do it again and I would.
But you know, not every pregnant woman in the world wants to just go and give up her child. And there’s not always someone who knows someone, as in the case of Zadey’s birth-Mom to introduce you for a private adoption.
That doesn’t mean however, I didn’t wish that it wouldn’t be this way again for us. Maybe I need to just give up and surrender to the idea of it may or may not happen so that it happens again by surprise and not by my stressing.
What makes adoption a little more interesting for us is that we want it to be private. I want to be able to give our child details of their birth-family. What would really be nice is to be at the birth again.
And as terrible as it sounds, at this stage in our family we do not want to go the route of adopting an older child. If we had done that first, that’d be one thing. But we want a baby, to start from the beginning, watch Zadey fall in love with a sibling and in our eyes, finish out our family.
I guess this post is just about my obsessing. I’m sure there’s an end with another baby but it’s so hard to see and because of my compulsion I’m a little sensitive about different things with children and pregnancy. I suppose I just wish that each Mom would or could love their kids as much as I do. But I’ve seen the other side and that’s what makes me sad and sick when there’s so many people like Joanne and I ready to do more than what they’re doing.