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Confessions
of a woman about love and desire for her boyfriend
Quest
of a woman in her 30s to find the man of her dreams
By Nancy
Ryder
I was becoming more and more intimate with Don in terms of sharing my feelings. I had started talking to him about things that I had never talked to anyone before – mostly about how I felt. I was discovering a new dimension of
human
communication. For me, it was interesting to see how I could open up to Don more than I would to any of my other friends. I felt even stranger to look at my behavior because Don was a
man. I thought the reason I could do this because he was ‘not’ what a typical boyfriend ‘is.’
I had heard that women behave differently in front of their first boyfriends. They do things that they would not with other friends. (Related
article: Intimacy
is critical to healthy relationships)
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I talked to Don about the feelings that had been piling up inside me for several years now. I honestly shared with him my feelings on a daily basis. I would tell him how uneasy I felt on certain days and wished that I were just with someone who will twist every muscle in my body. I told him how I just wanted to be with another warm body on certain nights. It seems that Don understood it all. I told him that I had many opportunities to just let it all happen but I resisted. I was tempted but it also seemed inappropriate to fritter away such an important moment in my life – I almost wished that loss of my
virginity were almost a ceremony. I dreamed of flowers on a bed of sand and the blue skies above. I dreamed about cool waves touching my feet as I would just close my eyes and surrender totally to this person. I just wanted to receive at that moment – I would have thousands of moments to give
back, I argued. |
 Don would ask me about how I actually felt every day. No one had done that to me before. He was so good at asking questions and then just patiently listening to me talk. If I did not give details about something, assuming that it would be a redundant detail, he would ask me any way. So I learnt to be as graphic as I could, but I could still not keep up with his inquisitiveness. I used to wonder how he could have the patience to absorb so much, how he could have so much interest in someone else’s life, and how he could just listen without getting tired. I always tried to ask him questions. I was learning from the master but he was still the best. He would never hide anything nor give me a brief reply but it seemed that when he spoke about himself he was still talking about me. There will be dozens of questions that he would raise and I would have to answer while he was ostensibly talking about himself.
We had still not talked about
getting together again though I suspected that we both wished it. I could sense how hard it was for Don though he never explicitly said so. I think he wanted me to make up my mind. It is then that I realized that I wanted to be
physically intimate with him but only as a culmination of
romance filled with passion, longing, and
desire. At that time, nothing else would matter. I told Don that if he wanted to penetrate the deepest corner of my heart, he had to give his heart to me.
My feelings at that time were echoed years later by another admirer of me. In his beautiful letter, he wrote, “Physical intimacy for a couple is more than just a physical activity. It is a state of mind. And once this state is shared with others, there is nothing more beautiful in the world. We all know the feeling, which is the greatest when we have it. But it's the worst when we want it - and don't have others in our lives.” My principle has always been, that if you try long enough and persist in your love for the person you desire, there is nothing that can stop you from meeting your second half.
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