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When
a woman falls in love for the first time...
Story
of the quest of a woman in her thirties to find the man of her
dreams......By Nancy
Ryder
Mother was very excited as we drove back home after the party and that surprised me a lot – that was not her. I had no idea what she did during the party because I never saw her but it was apparent that she enjoyed herself. She asked me several questions about Don and I told her only a fraction of what I knew about him – I did not want to give her any inkling of how emotionally charged I was and how difficult it would be for me not to be close to Don.
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It was my
feminine pride and suddenness of the situation that stopped me from asking Don if I could also contact him – this was the regret that I had when I could not talk to him before I went to bed. He was unlike anyone I had met in my brief life and I could not get him out of my mind. I lay sleepless for hours – on any other occasion, I would have started to
write, but that night, I just lay there trying to recall every word that he said. I smiled occasionally when I recollected how he mixed up words while talking to me but I could guess what he wanted to say by simply looking right into his eyes and watching his gesticulations.
I thought about his vision of women rebelling against the society. He quoted
Camus (“What is a rebel? A man who says no.”) to explain to me that being a rebel is all about learning to say NO, which many women have not learned yet. I felt like picking L'Homme Revolte and
L'etranger and reading them all over again so that when I spoke to Don the next time I would sound as intellectual as him.
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 The next three days were painful. Don had
sparked a desire within me that I had not known before. I was still
technically a
virgin. I had known somewhat what it was like to be with someone in an
intimate
situation but this was unusually exciting.
I think I was in love with Don. For the first time I was feeling both
raw lust and
deep love for someone. While I constantly thought of him as some kind of a Prince Charming and dreamed about going on long walks on the beach or eating in exotic French restaurants or just lying in the bed every morning watching him drink coffee, I also wanted him inside me and all over me. It felt as if every molecule in my body was in a heightened state of excitement and only Don could bring peace to my soul (and body). I shuddered at the thought of Don not wishing to speak to me again – if I want him so bad, I knew dozens of other women probably feel the same. What if he thought I was just not intellectual enough for him?
It was Mother calling me. I was listening to some classical music while totally lost in my thoughts. I had been thinking about composing a poem capturing my emotional state. I had heard before about the explosions that characterize a woman’s state of the mind when she is in love. I could feel it in every aspect of my life. The warmth of the lava from my body was obvious – I was hot all the time. I could barely sit still. My
appetite went away and I was oblivious to the world. The newspaper that provided me with my requisite dose of political and economic news bored me. I couldn’t stand television and I wanted to be alone. The only solace came from music.
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