| What was missing in my life? Love. While I had good friends, well-wishers, acquaintances, and
bedroom companions, I did not have lover(s) – people with him I could connect intellectually, emotionally, and physically. Since I could never find all three things in one person, I had to constantly juggle my time with different people to make sure that I was being gratified on all three levels. |
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There were days when I would have a lunch date with one person
(usually a woman so that I could get some intellectual stimulation without the usual tension of being with a member of the opposite gender), spend a
romantic evening admiring the night sky from the banks of the lake, and then sleep with some dumb hunk before going to bed. I thought it was a good compromise as long as I could find the right companions whenever I needed them – most often I wouldn’t.
Sometimes a dumb hunk would try to sound smart by composing a poem for me or discuss the
US monetary policy with me. I had to regularly ward off advances from men who were great conversationalists over dinner but awful in bed. And believe it or not, I have had some lunches dominated by tension (that I typically associate with only male companions) with my
female
friends.
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 As a teenager, my thoughts on relationships were not so granular. While I had a series of boyfriends and girlfriends, I never belonged to anyone. While my peers were genuinely interested in finding the love of their life – someone they could
lose their virginity to and eventually marry – I was just too fascinated with the revelations of the intricacies of life to a teenager. I was obsessed with learning more about other human beings – What was going on in their lives? What were they thinking at any given point of time? What drives them? What are their ambitions? What do they really want? – And a lot of my friends thought I was too serious and ‘different’ and probably weird (which is always a major problem when you are a teenager).
Graduating from high school was, thus, a big relief for me. I was no longer a minor and no longer had to restrict my access to other adults. I could now hope to connect with other folks who were mentally mature as I was – at least I worked with that assumption. However, as I discovered to my utter disappointment, I continued to experience frustrating moments despite lowering my expectations and becoming more realistic in my outlook. Years spent in college and then working as a professional were a continuation of my failed efforts to find that intellectual, emotional, and physical fulfillment with one soul.
Related: Choices
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Finding
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Stories
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Why
people do not find a relationship?
Relationship
after 30 |
