 As time went by, she started showing
me some special attention, or so she said, like
pouring
tea into my cup or
soup whenever we
went out to a
restaurant. We talked a lot about her and her family,
about
Japanese culture and
etiquette. We teased each
other sometimes, she would joke about
how many kids we
would have if we ever
got married. Taking it as a clue I
decided to find out
where we stood as a couple; we had
several
conversations about that but I could never get
anything definite out of her. I told her that I
liked her and would like to
take our relationship
further but didn't understand why she would distance
herself when it came to
intimate situations. She told me
that she is very
serious when it comes to a relationship
and can be very cold to her boyfriend, to
find out his
worth, so to speak. She also said that
friends are more
important for her than her "would be boyfriend" to which
I replied that usually, where I come from, a
girlfriend
pays more attention to her boyfriend because ultimately
he is the one she will be
sharing her life with. After
that she would call me every day and we started seeing
each other every day; I guess she took note of what I
said.
Everything was great, but as time went on it started to
be harder and harder for me to just
have fun. My
feelings and desire for her grew stronger; I know she
could feel that but didn't show it. During these times,
as anybody would, I felt a bit blue. Curiously enough,
her
mood would go down as well and she stopped talking
completely. I tried on a few other
occasions, very carefully, to find out
what she felt for
me, and why she was acting so strange sometimes but all
I got was that she just needs a little bit of time.
Later I found out that she had a
boyfriend back home in
Japan but she was in a process of
breaking up with him
(which they did when she went back to
Japan for a short
visit).
I decided to maintain a
friendly relationship, I thought
that's what she wanted. Then she started teasing me
about
how emotional I get, like a girl but then she
would also say that she can live with that; another
hint?One time we went on a 5 day trip to
Orlando. Everything
went very good and smooth, she started
acting more like
a girlfriend, showing more attention and affection but
without any
physical contact. Then, IT happened; on the
last night of our stay. After 6 months! Although
she was very
passive in bed, she let me do whatever I
pleased with no taboos. I was very gentle and
cautious about everything. But it was not the
sex that
made me feel all warm inside, it was when she shifted
close to me afterwards and rested her head on my chest.
I thought that was the breakthrough, now it will go
somewhere. However, the next morning it all went back to
the same thing! She didn't want me to
kiss her, shifted
away every time I tried. I started to think that
whatever happened the night before, she did just to
finally repay for my patience, that it was not what SHE
wanted and desired. I was so confused and deep into my
thoughts that she again felt it and didn't speak to me
until I didn't start showing some signs of cheerfulness,
which I did because just being with her made me happy. I
have also come to suspect that she is simply
frigid, she
herself once told me that she is not interested in
cuddling or holding hands or any of the sort of things
that girls usually do. I didn't care about that too much
because I believe given the right amount of time and
right mix of emotions you can overcome that sort of
thing.
One time after our night out, we had some drinks, we had
some sort of an argument, she was pointing out negative
aspects of my
personality, again, and I blurted out that
she is cold and
unemotional, like a
robot and that I
wished that she would change. She said ok, slammed the
door of my car and left. Next morning I apologized and
she did too. We kept seeing each other with the same
intensity, like nothing happened. I thought she had
forgiven me for what I said.
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Then one night we had a
party with some of her friends,
one of them pointed out that we fit well together and
asked when are we finally
going to marry each other. She
replied that she doesn't mind but may be I do, because I
called her a
robot and cold. Even though it was said in
a teasing manner I knew something was up. I didn't say
anything because I didn't know how to properly respond,
if she is serious or not. Whenever I tried to talk to
her about us she would ignore it and say that I take
everything too literally!
Finally her H-1 visa expired and since she did not have
a
green card, she had to leave. We said our
goodbyes in
a romantic fashion, we
kissed and held hands for little
while, That's something she would never do. After she
left, we talked often on the
phone and texted each other
every day. Then she invited me to
Osaka, offering me to
stay with her family. I went for a week. As soon as I
got there I understood that I am there only as a friend
and I can't expect any revelations about our
relationship. Not only that, second day in, she picks up
an argument with me about what I think was the most
trivial thing: I wanted to use a
phone to call back home
and her mother let me do that, but she told me that I
acted like a child and should have gone out and found a
pay phone
instead of using her parent's. It's not what
she said, its how she was saying it, as if I was a
nuisance in their house; that was my impression of it
anyway. Next morning we both apologized to each other.
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First time we
went out with her friends, all girls, she
casually recommended her friend to me, saying that she
is very funny. I tried as hard as I could to hold my
composure and not to show my emotions because I knew how
she would react, so I tried to just enjoy whatever time
I had left in Japan. Her family was very nice, I think
me and her
father really connected considering that I
couldn't
speak Japanese, nor he could speak any English.
We barbecued and had
dinner almost every night with her
family and friends,
travelled a bit around Japan to
Kyoto and Nara. It was a very short visit and we didn't
have any time to really talk. On the last day
she took
me shopping and as it was my
birthday couple of weeks
before she bought me a pair of expensive
Japanese jeans.
When I was leaving we simply said goodbye, she added
that maybe we will see each other again sometime. I
thought that was the end of it but didn't show my
emotions; it was hard. As soon as I got back home, I got
a text message from her saying that she feels all empty
inside,
lonely. Again I didn't know what to make of it.
We texted each other everyday for 4 months!
I was going through some job training at that time and
her writing to me helped a lot; it seemed like she
really cared. At one point she said that she will write
a letter but never did, so I decided to do it myself
knowing that her
birthday is coming up. I even made a
ring that I sent her in a box. Finally, she wrote to me
saying that it's not the presents that she wants from me
but me. I was near the end of my training and it just so
happened that we both could
have a vacation at the same
time. We met in
Hawaii, half way between
Japan and North
America. She seemed very excited to see me and
everything was good but again I didn't feel anything
intimate from her. One time we met this woman who had
beautiful parrots and she insisted on
taking a picture
of us together, awkwardly we hugged each other, then the
woman told Ayami to
kiss me for the photo, she was
going
for a kiss, I realized it when it was too late, when I
turned she turned away, it was like an action movie with
a lagging sound. I realized that it was a very awkward
situation for her and decided to act like nothing
happened and she felt comfortable again. We went
shopping for her bikini; I am not sure if that means
something in Japanese terms, as of now I am not certain
of anything.
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Finally I had enough, I simply spilled
my guts, told her that
I loved her. We were having
dinner at the time; she didn't say anything! She just
smiled and kept doing whatever she was doing; it was as
if I had commented on the weather and she had nothing to
add to it. I insisted but she simply smiled again
and said if I wanted to talk then we should do it
afterward. As you can imagine
food was the last thing I
could think about. Later that evening she completely
ignored me. After a lot of thinking that night I was
completely drained emotionally by the next morning.
Surprisingly it was my detachment from the whole
situation that led to further conversations and even
some humor. We started talking again and actually had a
few calm evenings, we were very polite to each other and
talked about different things: she mentioned that I
remind of her father sometimes, his negative points,
then she brought up a point about how impolite I can be
sometimes to
strangers. I know that
Japanese people are
very thoughtful and polite to almost anybody; I think
it's because they try to avoid conflicts in some
situations but sometimes I think that she would go
overboard with her politeness. Not that I ever told her
that, or in anyway opposed her behavior in that sense.
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Anyway, on our last dinner the subject
gradually shifted to our relationship, she told me that
she
loves me but
as a friend. She apologized that she had made me
wait so long and had nothing to show for it but would
like to remain friends. Again I was very confused
because just couple of hours prior when somebody asked
if we are on our
honeymoon, she said, "No, maybe next
time." Why would anybody say such a thing
considering the situation? Is that something that
Japanese do by accident, or is it something that
actually means something? When she was leaving she was
in a very good mood; I of course had to play along, she
asked me if I was ok, being polite, I guess. She still
texts me every day, like nothing happened. I didn't
write back at first but she was very persistent.
She also has sent me a letter after her return to Japan.
In her text messages she said that I should look forward
to it. Please enlighten me what in the world happened,
what I did wrong, what could be such a turnoff for
her?"
Let
me just say that after hearing from literally hundreds
of people like you over the course of 10 years that I
have run this website, I am not surprised at all. Some
or all of these things have happened to many men simply
because of their lack of understanding of
how the
Japanese mind works. I am totally convinced that the
romantic relationship that you may seek is not going to
happen, though, if you do not mind having a
Japanese
friend, it does not hurt. Having said that, a woman who
texts her friend every day can be a pest (I am
suspecting that she is very
lonely and desperate), and
can become a problem when you
enter a new relationship.
Your next girlfriend may not understand all of this and
since you are hardly getting anything out of it, it is
best to simply end it.
Here are my thoughts on what may have happened and how
you can learn from it and apply the knowledge to your
relationship with other women in general, and Japanese,
or maybe some
Oriental women, in particular.
- I encourage you to
try some
searches and read some of the articles because I
have written extensively on
Japanese women and
relationships with them. You might also see hits from
men who had similar issues.
- While the knowledge of
Western men for
Japanese women comes mostly from
Hollywood movies and
translated books, even those that live in the West, take
a long time to get to understand them because of the
language problems and
preconceived biases accumulated
while in Japan and seeing everything through the
Japanese frame of reference. I have found that even
after being here for years, they still don't get us. I
can confess that it was not easy for me to do it when I
lived in Japan due to my poor
Japanese language and
realization that
Japanese culture was really very
different from ours.
- It is extremely difficult culturally
and socially for
Japanese women to enter into a
relationship with a non-Japanese man, but they are very
curious too. That is why they enter into a
casual
relationship with the hopes of learning about them. Most
of them have no intention of having a serious
relationship and only a fraction
intend to marry.
Eventually they all hope to
marry a Japanese guy, have a
family, and live a non-controversial, average life.
Marriage to a non-Japanese requires breaking many
barriers and most do not see the need for it.
- I know we in the West all
cheat a lot
on our girlfriends here, but for
Japanese women, having
relationship with another man while even being married
isn't a big deal. The taboo that
Christianity has on
adultery isn't there in Japan and that is why she did
not think twice about starting a relationship with you
even though she had a
Japanese boyfriend all along. From
what I have understood,
Japanese couples do not get
really serious till they marry, and prior to that they
are not as possessive and
jealous as we tend to get here
in the West.
- For your knowledge, Japanese people do
not show affection in public. While some
young people in
cities like Tokyo may hold hands in public,
kissing is
rare. Also, while we love to
entertain our guests
and try to provide them with all their necessities like
letting them use the home
phone for making international
calls, in Japan, putting financial burden on the host is
considered impolite.
- Japanese people do not like to hurt or
cause discomfort or embarrass others (actually I know
for a fact that they will even
have sex with someone
because they think that saying no will hurt the other
person and doing it is the more polite thing to do than
to decline it and embarrassing the other person). They
also do not like to speak honestly and directly and
prefer to give hints in the hope that the others will
get the main point (the Japanese do just fine this way
but this can cause a lot of frustration and
embarrassment for people not familiar with this
style of
communication). That is why when you showed
affection to her or declared your love, she did not stop
you and said that she was
not looking for love or
marriage, but simply showed her lack of enthusiasm and
emotion.
- On a more individual level, my sense
is that probably she did like you to some extent and
struggled with the decisions at every point. Maybe she
felt guilty for misleading you, entering into a
relationship with you, for
cheating on her boyfriend,
for not having the courage to breakup with her culture
and marry a foreigner, and wondering if what she is
doing is what she wants.
- For their guilt in not doing what is expected of
them,
Japanese women that I dated gave me
expensive
gifts at the time of breakup (how bizarre is that?) and
one woman actually forced me to accept
cash when we
realized that she did not want a
romantic relationship.
I hope that I have thrown some light on your predicament
but I am sure that I got some things wrong because I do
not have all the facts and I do not know either of you
personally.
Trust me, helping solve
mysteries like this helps me as much as it helps people
like you. I just pass on my wisdom to people like you in
the future.
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