I met
Yuki at a university in
Australia; I was not a student there but my older
brother was. Yuki has a degree in languages from the
University of
Nagoya and was doing a one-year
exchange program when we meet. She has spent a lot
of time overseas, and was an
exchange student in
Spain, Scotland, and
England. She has also traveled a lot and had a
home-stay in the USA. She speaks great English and
Spanish, has a wonderful sense of humor, and high
morals; she is not a “bad
girl”, though I used to be, but I have changed since
I met her. Yuki tells me that I am her fourth boyfriend,
and she
lost her virginity to her last boyfriend while in
the US. He fell in love with her and came to live in
Nagoya to be with her, but she was already planning to
come to Australia for a year, and so left him behind,
even though he had come for her. I saw Yuki for the
first time about a month and a half before we became
lovers.
I know this sounds really corny, but from the first time
I saw her, without knowing her name, I got a special
feeling for her, like she was special. The first time we
spoke it was only a quick hello, but it left me weak in
the knees, and when we finally met one night at the pub,
and talked all night, looking into each other’s eyes, it
was like we were the only ones in the world. We really
pissed off the guy that had invited her and her friends
to the pub. That night we
kissed, I think she
kissed
me, and it was the
most amazing kiss ever,
soft and
wet, but I felt it from my
lips to my toes, my whole body shook. I said good
night and
got her number and asked if I could call her the
next day.
The next day we went out for lunch to get to know each
other better. She was very nervous thinking I would not
call her. I took her to the
botanical gardens and told her just what my heart
was saying “I LOVE YOU”. I don’t know why, but I do, I
don’t know how but I know I do, I just know it! Her
reaction was disbelief, but she didn’t say a thing. In
fact she said, “Sorry, but I don’t believe you!” I had
only two weeks left in Brisbane before going to Canberra
for a
job interview with an adventure camp. I wanted her
to know that I loved her. We made
passionate love for five days, nothing crazy, but
deep and meaningful. I would sneak into her room early
in the morning and wake her up with a
kiss, and get into bed with her as she woke up, and
then, make
love till she had to go to the classes. I did go to
the job interview but did not get the job any way. I was
both ashamed and disappointed because I had worked so
hard for it, and it was dream of mine, and I had spoken
about it to her, and now I didn’t get the position. She
wrote back and said please just come home to me. When I
got back, I went straight to her arms, and the first
thing she said to me was, “Andrew I think I love you
too.” We were just so comfortable in each other’s arms.
In a month we moved in together, she studied and I
worked in the city while looking for an adventure
tourism job. We were always together; my life had
forever changed.
So what was I like before I meet Yuki?
I must say that I was a bit of a
bad boy. I had grown up all over the world. My
father’s job had taken my to places like
Thailand, The
Philippines, Indonesia, Sri Lanka, and
Algeria. I graduated form school in Quito, Ecuador,
my birthplace, and then worked as a tour guide in the
Amazon for almost a year. It was here that I acquired my
passion for
tourism, and for working with indigenous tribes. I
had never been in love before, but being a
Latino you just grow up with respect for women, I
have never
cheated on anyone, but at the same time I had never
had a
serious girlfriend. I am no Casanova but I must say
I have always been
lucky with the ladies. I
lost my virginity to a friend at 16 and have had a
very active sexual life. Usually
picking up tourist or girls from my
school and other schools, I even had an
affair with two teachers at school. No, I don’t look
like
Brad Pitt, and I don’t have a
superman’s body. I guess I am just funny and open. I
am not a
shy guy, or at least I wasn’t. I think I was the 'bad
boy' women love to hate, and desire to be with. I
did drugs,
smoked, and other really bad things – things I am
not proud of, but it was my lifestyle.
The
long-distance relationship
In November, we got a call from her mother, saying that
her father had been admitted to the hospital, suspected
of bowel cancer. There was no question in my mind that
she had to go home so that she could be with her father.
While it was very hard to ask, I asked her, if she
wanted to
end the relationship. I told her that I wanted to
love her the rest of my life and wanted to
marry
her. She looked at me,
smiled, tears ran down her face, and then she hugged
me and told me she also wanted to
marry me.
This is when things got complicated – the beginning of a
long
distance relationship, that has been going well for
the last 10 months, and maybe will have to go for
another 9 months! I love her so much that I knew I
wanted her to be my
wife, but almost two years apart is a long time. I
want Yukiko to be my
life
partner, and I made the decision to be
faithful. I gave up everything, all my
old
girlfriends, I had quit smoking with Yuki and till
this day have done so, but temptation is hard to beat,
so I just stopped going out. I write all the time to her
and would call at least once a day. I went to Nagoya in
February for 3 weeks, and she came to visit me in Cairns
a month ago for two weeks. Yuki was not the same,
though. She said that she felt I was wasting my time
with her, that she was boring for me, and that she
doesn’t deserve me. Despite that we had a great time,
like no time had passed at all. We do love each other
very much and tell each other so all the time.
Sex was
great, but I felt she wasn’t into it as much as
before. I have to say I am a
very
sexual person and had been waiting for her to come
back to me so I could
make love to her. We
made love every day two or three or even four times
a day. We are both still young 23, Yuki is 24, but I
believe that I should keep myself for Yuki, but I feel
guilty because she has only had two partners in life and
I’m keeping her from experiencing life.
Ever since I have been with Yuki I have changed, I don’t
smoke anymore, I don’t go out, and I don’t
see
other women. I was once a person who would just be
with anyone but now I am faithful. I just
keep my life simple – work, walk, and chat with
Yuki. But lately I feel our
communication is reducing. She doesn’t call me as
much as I would like, and doesn’t write to me often. I
feel like I’m the one who keeps the relationship going.
She also tells me how she
parties till early hours of the morning. While I
want her to have a normal life, I want her to
appreciate our romance too. While I wait for her
call or email, she is invariably partying with no
concern that I will be waiting. She does not tell me how
she misses me and we don’t talk about
physical intimacy much. Sometimes I would love it if
she would just call me and tell me that she
needs
me, wants me to
touch and
kiss her.
Sometimes I feel like I am trying to keep her just for
me. I know that we should be able to
love more than one person, but I don’t believe that.
It would kill me if Yuki did or was
cheating on me, but am I being selfish? I guess what
I am asking is, Am I being unfair to ask her to be
faithful? Should I be faithful? How can I open the
conversation with her? When I try to talk to her, she
goes silent, or says she doesn’t know what to think.
When I say tell me how you feel, she once said, “I don’t
feel anything.” Can I know if she is
cheating? If you really
love someone, let them go and if it is meant to be will
they will come back? I really want this to work, but
may be I am trying too hard?
Advice
Based on
what you tell me, though, Yuki is reasonably
de-Japanized so it is not the case with her. It
also seems that she was communicative before and it is
only now that she is behaving this way. I hate to
say this but based on what you tell me, I am not sure
that this relationship is headed in the right direction.
I would suggest the following:
-
Don't expect her to change and start
to
communicate more with you - it is always hard to
talk
about it over the phone/internet
-
Ask her point blank what the path
forward is for this relationship. Make sure that
you agree on a
date for wedding, if that is what you wish. If
she resists and tries to put off a final decision
you will know that she is not serious.
-
I have a strong suspicion that she is
not sure that she
wants to marry you though she might enjoy being
with you.
Japanese people have a hard time
marrying non-Japanese since it has too many
complications in their society. Only very few of
Japanese have the guts to just do it.
-
If you don't see enough positive
indicators from her,
move on. It will be hard for you since you seem
to love her so much, but you cannot
put
your life on hold just because of her
attitude. Looks like she is having a good time
while you are suffering.
-
Trust is the foundation of any relationship.
Thus,
cheating is inherently unethical even if it is
only for
sexual
gratification. Unless of course, both partners
mutually agree to continue
seeing
other people while they figure out ways to see
if they can ever
get
back together.
-
No, please
try your very best to make it work otherwise you
might regret it the rest of your life especially if
you find out that she was truthful to you and if you
had not screwed up she could be your wife. So do
your best.
-
Just tell her how you feel - she does
not write to you, does not call you, shows less
enthusiasm for the relationship - but you still want
it to work and are willing to do what it takes. Is
she confused? Does she need more time to think? If
she wants some time give it to her. But agree on a
date to review the relationship after that time so
that you can take firm decisions at that point. I
guess, in the meantime while she is thinking, you
will be free to
date other women.
-
You have to ask her why she is not
committing to marriage - is it because you are
still a
student or younger than her or a
foreigner? Japanese have a hard time speaking
openly and directly and never really say what is
really the truth so you have to learn to read
between the lines and guess what we are saying.
Thus, watching their actions is more important than
what they are saying - they believe that it is bad
to hurt others by saying nasty things and that is
why others get frustrated because they never tell
them how they feel.
-
It is better to force her to commit
to something or else give her some time to think so
that you are free for a while. If she really loves
and wants to be with you forever, she will have no
hesitation in committing immediately. If she is in
doubt then she will ask for more time but it will
also be a message for you that she is not fully
committed to you and then you can just go on
with your life - maybe she will come back to you
(good for you) but if she doesn't (you will have a
life).
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