| A lot of
the time there are certain words in your language that
are such an integral part of your vocabulary that you
forget to appreciate their true meanings or just take
them for granted. On the other hand, when you
learn a different language, each and every word is
important – you try to learn its meaning, you ask others
about it and how it can be used in different situations,
you learn about its origins, and suddenly, you start
seeing what you don’t see in your own language. I went
through similar experiences when I
learned English (which by the way is the second
language for me).
When I first came across the word
‘melancholy,’ I clearly remember that I fell in love
with the word. I just could not find enough
opportunities to use – otherwise, I would have been
using it all day. It taught me about a whole of lot of
new feelings and
emotions of people who speak English. From then on,
the romance with the English language has been going
fairly steady for me – ‘nostalgia’, ‘poignant’,
‘eternal’, ‘contemplate’, ‘serenity’ – the list is
endless.
Only when I learned English, did I realize how important
words are and how powerful roles they can play in how we
connect with others.
By the way, all this did not occur to me until David
wrote to me after he learned a new
Japanese word - 'Omoiyari', which means
empathy. He quotes from the book "Patterns of Behavior"
by Takie Sugiyama Lebra, “"The Japanese find aesthetic
refinement and sophistication in person who sends
non-verbal, indirect, or implicit, subtle
messages...The message is not what is said, but what is
not said; silence is
communication." Lebra continues, “Omoiyari
people seek to optimize each other’s comfort by seeking
to provide
pleasure or prevent displeasure by anticipating the
other’s
needs and
desires. They take initiative to meet those needs
and
fulfill those desires without the other person
having to express them overtly in some obvious manner.”
David tells me, “I think I have been an omoiyari
person all of my life, but because I am
American, this kind of behavior could not be
articulated. Often this kind of love has gone
unappreciated by
former
girlfriends. To me this is
the wisest love; the most
unconditional love whether it be
platonic or
erotic.
What feels so good is...I really do not have to explain
this to you. You already know what I am talking about.”
I know how David feels even if he did
not write all this – it is just so natural for us
Japanese to understand. We are constantly trying to
guess what is going in the other person’s minds. While
it makes us all appear as polite and helpful and there
is rarely any disagreement in our society, it is
stressful too. David might consider this to be an ideal
environment, but it can have its tough moments. Though I
would rather live with omoiyari people, it comes
with its own little problems.
We Japanese have this behavior in our DNA. We try to
practice without even knowing about it or making any
sincere efforts to indulge in this. However, as I said
before, we are also trying to guess what the intentions
of the other
party are. Does it lead to better
business relationships? Absolutely! Does it result
in
better romance? Not initially but over time, it does
mean that our love is not about guessing any more – we
just seem to know
what our lover wants.
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Didn’t someone say that life
is all about words? I agree, but more than that,
it is also about the feelings that go behind
words. That is what omoiyari is. It may
be just a word to some but for all of us here in
Japan it is a
lifestyle. |
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