Caroline writes, "I
knew this
Korean-Japanese boy 5 years ago when we both started
our high
school. He was an
exchange student from Japan and was
very shy
when I first saw him. He returned to study in
Tokyo, his hometown a year after. Even though we
didn't talk much, I started to like him and thought that
perhaps he liked me too since we always had
eye-contact every time we met so before he left, I
had asked for his e-mail to keep in touch. I left him my
e-mail address and he e-mailed me a day after. We kept
contact at least once a week via e-mail. Usually I
e-mailed him first telling what I've done, how
everything is and he did me a short reply. I also gave
him a birthday gift every year; the first time was a
scarf
that took me 5 days to finish. All the presents I gave
were handmade and I did it with all my heart.
She even decided to
learn Japanese language to get closer to him. She
adds, "Since I became friends with him and realized that
his limited English language ability was hindering our
communication, I decided to begin Japanese self-study
and wanted to take a Japanese course in
Tokyo
so I would also meet him again. When I graduated from
high school I took a 2 months Japanese course in
Tokyo. I was extremely excited especially hearing
that he was looking forward to seeing me. We chatted
every day prior to my trip. I called him straight away
as soon as I arrived at Narita Airport. We made an
appointment to meet in
Roppongi. When I met him he brought another two of
his friends and he treated me to expensive
sushi meal. I always cared and wanted to know what
was going on with him but he never told me much. I was
disappointed because it was not like what he said in my
emails before my
arrival in Tokyo. He never once showed me
a single
place in Tokyo. He didn't answer my messages, didn't
pick up my calls when I asked him to join me so I ended
up going on my own or sometimes with friends from the
language school. Many times he agreed to meet me first
but he was late for 2 hours and he turned up without an
apology. I still couldn't get his name out from my
brain. I talked to him and his friends on the train in
English, they acted as if they didn't know me and put on
their earphones. In Japan I kept sending him emails
asking why he was so terrible to me but I never got an
answer about this. It was the most terrible trip I have
ever taken in my life and it broke my heart badly.
Although, I lost a river of tear for him, I left him a
sweet letter that I wouldn't regard bad things he did in
Japan and hope to see him again in the future."
The friendship continued to
be rocky, though. She continues, "After I left, I was
still sending him e-mails telling stories as usual
because I didn't want
to accept the fact that he is a mean monster. He replied
sometimes until his birthday came again so I sent him
another present but this time I added on the letter
wondering why he was so mean. I called him to find out
if he received the gift and how he found it. He said
that he got it but the gift was garbage and then he hung
up. Then I sent him like hundred texts to get the
understanding clear, explanation of the cause of his
terrible action since he cut off my several phone calls.
He just replied "you are not my friend" and then I asked
who I am for like 5 messages until he could answer "you
are just an acquaintance." Plus "I don't want to see
your face again." I was still trying to put things
positively but a few days later he changed his phone
number, e-mail and whatever letters I sent to his house
were returned. I was so desperate but realized I needed
to calm down and let it flow."
Caroline had a lot more
heartbreak and pain left to experience. She writes, "I
transferred to study in
Bangkok and still e-mailed to the friend he
introduced me during my
Tokyo trip. The bad feeling about him remained and I
wanted to see and ask him clearly what happened. Then
this friend sent me an e-mail that he wanted to visit
Thailand and asked me to be a guide and organize
their trip. He mentioned that he was coming with another
three
Japanese male friends. I doubted that one person
might be my
crush and when the time approached, he really
appeared in front of me. I was so happy and excited but
I tried to keep my normal demeanor and showed them many
places. I created a friendly environment and the trip
was enjoyable. I didn't have a private chance to talk to
him until the last night, I asked him to split from his
friend and sat at the hotel lobby and asked about the
past. He said this: "I really thank you. Probably I
can't thank enough. It was great trip! And it would have
been much less enjoyable without you. I really
appreciate that. I cannot say that I've never lied to
you but things that I say now is all what I truly feel.
I want to do something very special for you to show my
gratitude. You are now my important friend. If you want
my phone number I can give you. I will definitely see
you again in the future but I don't know when yet."
While this may sound like a
happy ending to the story, that is not how it turned
out for Caroline. She concludes, "His apology made me
feel so impressed and glad so it shortly erased the bad
things he did. When he was back in Tokyo, a few days
after I e-mailed to ask why he was suddenly friendly to
me. He said briefly "I like you." I was more than happy
but he kept the bad habit of not replying to my
messages, I don't understand why he doesn't tell what he
is really thinking. He doesn't want to talk to me much.
Why he doesn't tell me so directly? Why he came to say
sorry? If his action is the same, his apology wouldn't
worth anything. After waiting for his answer for a few
days, I stopped because I was afraid that he will
disappear and I was tired of waiting for his answer. It
was as if I was talking alone to myself. Three days ago
I gave him an ultimatum that only if he promised me to
sincerely talk to me, I will never send him too many
e-mails which he alleged causes annoyance. I added that
I don't force him but if he doesn't say, this would be
my last talk until we meet or until he stops lying
himself. I have no clue if this is the right decision?
What is he really thinking of me? What does he want?"
Based on 100s of such
emails that I have received during last 10 years, all
this is the outcome of a huge misunderstanding. And
obviously, your stalking him has not been very helpful.
It appears to me that
whatever few nice things you got out of him -- emails,
sushi dinner, kind of apology in
Thailand -- are simply polite things that
Japanese people do hoping that the other person will
get it and leave them alone. His behavior over the years
has consistently demonstrated that he is not into
you. Clearly you are obsessed with him and for
him you are merely an annoyance. He wants to move on
with his life and I wouldn't be surprised that he
already is
in a relationship with another girl and even
emailing you is an inconvenience for him. Unfortunately,
he has not been so explicit about it, as many Japanese
aren't, and you have not really understood what he wants
when he told you that you were not a friend and merely
an acquaintance.
You sound like a loving,
sweet, friendly, and warm person (I mean, wow, my heart
melts just thinking about someone sending me a handmade
gift) but this guy has no appreciation for that. If you
had invested so much effort into a
relationship with another guy, you would be so happy
right now. You are still very young and have a lot to
learn about love, life, and men, so treat this as
the first big lesson. I suggest that you stop all
contact with him right away, imagine that he never
existed (because the reality is that he did not really
like you as much as you did, and it was your
unreasonable hope that you two will fall in love), and
move
on. There are so many guys out there who will
consider themselves lucky to have a
sweet girl like you. I know it has been a while
since you are into it, and it is painful to know that it
was all a waste, but I know you can put it behind you
and start again. |
