| Norm
writes, "I would like to know if I should
send a
letter to a married former girlfriend. I am trying
to condense it to two pages and explain to her why I
dropped her in a seemingly cold manner forty years
ago. I gave the impression that I just didn't care any
longer, and this is completely wrong. She loved me very
much, I
hurt her - and myself - deeply, and I want her to
know the truth. The truth is that a combination of the
effects of
severe childhood abuse, which I only came to
appreciate years later, and the
rigors of military service left me in a condition in
which I could talk in a cordial manner about things and
events but in which I was unable, in fact suddenly
terrified, to interact on a personal level. She knew
that I was in some way damaged goods before the service,
and her kindness was helping me with my
self-image
and to open up to her, but the
war put me over the edge, and on my return I left
her out of a deep psychological fear, not understood by
me at the time, when she wanted to have
intimate personal relationship with me. I have never
stopped loving her deeply, the
feeling was mutual and there is no doubt that we
were
right for each other. But I am sickened that she
probably thinks that I just didn't care for her any
longer. Also, I know that she loved me just as much and
that I hurt her deeply. I want to apologize and explain,
but I fear that such a
letter to a married lady might be inappropriate.
Also, I frankly don't see how she can be truly
happy with the guy she married. I never met him, but
from what I can gather he's a
real
moron who
dominates her and the children while she is quite a
brain. Their
children are grown and moved, and I have
fantasies of somehow being together with her again
in our
old age. I have had a few
affairs in the interim, but no one will ever compare
to her. I really
miss her and I would at least like her to know the
truth. Should I send her the letter? Should I offer, in
addition to my explanation, that I am available to her
any time on any terms? I will seriously reflect on any
advice you offer." Everything
changes in 40 years
Here
are a few things to think about. Forty years is a very
long time and while we still remember so many things, a
lot of them we simply forget. There is a strong
likelihood that while you have not been able to put it
behind you, she may have done so. Also, while you may
think that her
husband is a control-freak and mean, for all we
know, she might be perfectly pleased with him and could
be the happiest woman on the planet. Also if the letter
ends up in the wrong hands, you would put her in a very
uncomfortable and potentially dangerous situation.
Having said that, there is a possibility that she could
be in the same spot as you are and you envision her to
be. She might have all these unanswered questions and
unhappy with her life.
I think if you love her as much as you say you do, I
expect you to do no harm to her. If she has
moved on with her life and made peace with the
circumstances, you would do a great service to your
love by not even contacting you.
So what are your options?
Is there a way that you could accidentally "run" into
her at a
party or
bookstore
or anywhere that she might be (even
Facebook)?
That way you can simply
invite her to sit down for a cup of coffee and get a
better sense of where she is at. If she declines your
Facebook friendship request or tries to avoid when she
sees you in person, then you know that she has put the
past behind her and it does not matter to her if you did
the right thing. However, if she seems warm and
receptive, it is fine to apologize for your past
behavior (it is never too late for apologies) and
hopefully
reconnect for something more.
Maybe you are
single and that is why the strong desire to revisit
your past, but that is not where she may be at. So
definitely give it a shot but be extremely careful. In
either case, you will have closure on this: either you
guys would end up together, or you will know that it was
a chapter in your life that was closed 40 years ago and
cannot be reopened. |
