One of the
major causes of
breakups and
divorces is a partner who is just too critical - not
just of life in general, but of YOU. Dr. Nancy Wasson says
that the toxic effects of repeated criticism accumulate
over time, and often the criticism is part of a larger
pattern of controlling behavior by one spouse. So
are you just a sensitive person or you have a real problem
spouse? Then take the Wasson Test and if the answer to
even one question is "yes," then you need to act:
- Do you often feel that your
controlling husband or wife criticizes you unfairly?
- Do you feel that your mate
consistently looks for nit-picking things to criticize?
- Do you feel that your controlling
spouse routinely criticizes you for things that have
been blown out of proportion or are beyond your control?
Tips to cope with a controlling and
critical spouse
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Try
to
listen without getting defensive. Hear your
spouse out and let him (or her) say what’s on his
mind.
Even
though you may be thinking “Here we go again—same old
gripes,” keep an open mind to the possibility that there
may be a different twist this time.
Recognize
that your spouse’s perceptions are different from yours.
Launching a direct attack to convince her that he or she’s
off-base will almost always fail. |
 Resist
the urge to counter criticism with criticism. That will
only add fuel to the fire and ensure that negative
feelings will escalate. Consider
whether your spouse is making any valid points
that you need to look at. It’s all-too-easy to get
upset and decide that the criticism is off-base
and miss the part of the criticism that may be
valid. If you are
overweight and your wife is telling you that,
get on the scale, calculate your
BMI, and make sure that you are. If so, listen
to her and go on a diet. If not, tell her to shut
up because your
BMI is acceptable.
Work
on not taking the criticism so personally, even
though it’s directed at you. But your spouse may
really be irritated at herself but instead take
her feelings out on you by throwing barbs of
criticism in your direction.
Realize
that just because your spouse criticizes you
doesn’t mean you have to let that determine your
mood or spoil your day. Your spouse can’t “make
you feel bad” without your consent.
Schedule
a time to
talk
with your spouse about your reactions to the constant
criticism. Say that it’s discouraging and could negatively
affect your passion.
Write
your spouse a letter outlining your concerns about the
damage that constant criticism could do to your
feelings of love and
emotional intimacy. Say something
positive about your spouse before you state your
concerns that frequent criticism could
hurt the marriage. Last, end by making more positive
remarks and sharing how much you
love
your spouse and
value your relationship.
Ask
your spouse to go to
marriage counseling with you. Say that you need to
take care of some emotional debris that is accumulating
for you in the
marriage. |
