| Nina
writes, "I am in a
relationship with a married man for 4 months now. I
say
relationship, not
extramarital affair, because when we met he told her
within 4 weeks about me when he was sure we weren't just
infatuated with each other. He told her that he loves me
and wants to separate so he can
marry
me. He first said he wants to
get divorced but with her being
Catholic
she refuses to give him a divorce. She's
fighting
for him and the
marriage. He did move out because she told him he
must give me up and he told her he can't. He is staying
with a friend. We are so good together. Our
energy
together is incredible and we both
take good care of ourselves, we
weight train and
eat
healthy, we have being
young
and active in common. While we are
dating now, we both agreed that our
relationship can't move forward unless he gets
closure and either
sue for
divorce or
go back and make it work. He agreed that him and her
go for
counseling because he said to me that in that
process she'll realize that I was never the reason for
their marriage being where it is now. He has a son (5)
and daughter (9) and we would like to
have a child together so it's important that he can
get closure. He wants to do what is right so he
can tell his children that he did
go for
counseling and their mother realized that they were
heading for divorce sooner or later. He is not
supposed to see me during this
marital counseling period. We spoke several
times on the phone and he is in tears when we speak
because he
misses me. He told me that he looks at her and
she is 39 years old but hasn't taken care of herself
like I do. I am 37 years old but look just 28.
He told me that I need to now have
faith in what we have and let him do this counseling to
get closure. My worry, I told him, is all the pressure
he's been getting from his
parents
and wife. I'm scared that will make him stay with
her. Also I read on your blog today that some
men stay out of obligation and responsibility not to
break their family up, not because they want to be
with their wives.
He said to me that he wanted to
give me a child. I'm single and have no children. I
remember that day when he asked me if I
wanted children, I thought it's because he already
has
children. I told him to me life is
finding my
soulmate, and if you are my soul mate, then I would
love to have a child with you.
I think he should tell his
wife who
cannot understand that he loves me and that
sometimes people do realize the person they married at
26 was not the
right woman even if they have been
married for 17 years. He said that he
married
his wife without thinking too much because she was
the SAFE choice since a
girl he
dated before her
cheated on him and he was very scared to
get hurt
again. He tells me I remind him of that girl, he
loved her energy; she was bubbly,
positive, vivacious, spontaneous,
sensual
and
beautiful. He understands that I don't
flirt or will ever cheat on him.
He also told me that in their
counseling previously, they both realized that their
relationship has many problems they didn't know
about and the wife was shocked.
If his wife during counseling realizes
that he really loves me and he will stay with her out of
obligation for children,
church,
what people will say, family, then she doesn't really
love him and she is the
selfish one. I was
married too before and my
ex are
great friends still, and that is only because we
were mature about things. I realized in my
marriage that I can't make him happy because I
married him very young and we did grow apart as we
matured. I couldn't stay and live a
comfortable life, he was
well off, but we were just
great
friends living together. Trust me it was not an easy
decision and lots of tears from both of us, but now I'm
grateful I didn't
lose a
friend and I spoke to him 2 days ago, he knows the
whole
story in my life and is very understanding and non
judgmental. The advice I need is, "How do I cope
with this?"
What to do when your married
boyfriend is trying to patch up with his wife?
Your
case is not unusual because so many people
fall in love with someone who is married. In that
situation one has to remember that the relationship may
not really work out because of all the complications
with family,
property,
money,
religion,
legal, etc.
My understanding is that
divorce
for Catholic couples is not easy but it can be done
as long as it is legal in that country. Right now,
the goal of the wife and the
marriage counselor is to help them
work through their differences and reconcile. Your
boyfriend
may want to leave it all behind and as you said, try
to demonstrate to his
wife that
he does not love her, but there is a strong
possibility that when he goes through a systematic
process of counseling and therapy, he may find out that
he actually does not hate her as much as he thought, and
loves his children to a point that it is better to give
it another try rather than
walk away. Similarly, his wife may also realize that
she needs to do more to
make the marriage work and both of them may decide
to be a
better couple.
Another possible outcome is that his wife will realize
that her
marriage actually ended a long time ago and trying
to drag it on
without love is a bad idea. Counseling may help her
move on with a clearer mind and maybe even on
amicable terms so that the two can still
be friends,
raise
their children with love, but move on. Maybe all
this time she never realized that her
marriage was in trouble and this exercise might make
it obvious to her.
Based on your description, you are a
mature, responsible, stable woman. The best thing to
do right now is to wait for your boyfriend to
work through the problems in his marriage. Working
with a counselor will allow him to think clearly and
decide without getting
emotional.
If he decides to
divorce
his wife and marry you, it will be a much
better relationship because he would have thought it
through and not made a rash decision. On the other hand,
if he chooses to
stay with his wife, you must respect it, because it
simply means that he faced a
difficult moment in his marriage and he should try
to patch up the differences. Remember that they have
been married for more than 15 years, while you know him
for just four months. In any case, you don't want to be
with a man who is confused or his
heart is still in his previous marriage. What you
want is a man who is very sure of himself and his
feelings and right now, we don't know that.
I don't think his wife is stupid or selfish just because
she is trying to
save their marriage. All
couples go through difficult times in their marriage
and if they have been together for so long, they do have
a lot of emotions tied together that will help them work
through this. During this 15 years of marriage, I am
sure that they have worked through many problems and it
is likely that they can work through it this time too.
What I am trying to do is to prepare you for both
outcomes.
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