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Nancy is
a 36 year old
single mom
who is now dating a 20-year old man. She writes, "I
didn't go looking for him, he came to me. The problem is
his mother
who thinks that I stole that guy from her. Her
constant criticism has been causing havoc in our
relationship for months! Telling around that I control
him and keep him under lock and key! We have a healthy
strong loving relationship despite the
age difference. We sat down to talk about the pros
and cons and decided to move forward. I have 4 children
and he has none, wanting children isn't a problem in our
relationship because if he wants children later on we
would
adopt. I need help dealing with the mother. She is
driving me insane and causing a lot of pain.
Sometimes he does make me feel as though it is my
concern to deal with her? I know that he doesn't do this
on purpose, but, it does become annoying. I have
witnessed several conflicts with him and her and he
allows her to belittle him about our relationship, he
doesn't stand his grounds, nor defend me to the fullest
extent, that in turn causes a lot of conflict between
us. I do see it becoming a choice game with her -- her
making him choose which one of us is more important to
him. None of the remainder of his family has any issues
with our relationship, just his mother. I truly am in
love with him and know that this is what we both want.
It is hard for me to talk to him about it though,
because I feel like I am the bad one and I might make
him think that he has to
make a choice, and that isn't my intention at all. I
gave him the example that if the
shoe were on the other
foot how would he feel if my family were to do to
him some of the things that his mother has done to me?
Also I told him I wouldn't allow any member of my family
to belittle him or our relationship. I would simply mark
them off as not family regardless of whom they were, but
he has told me, "Oh, she will give up in time." Hell, it
has been almost 2 years and she still is going strong. I
do not want to give up on this relationship, but I am
growing weary of his inabilities, with his mother and
her mouth."
I think clearly it is his -- and not yours --
responsibility to "manage" his mother. He has to stand
up for himself and for you and tell his mother to stop
poking her nose into his personal life. He has to assert
himself and make it clear to her that he knows what he
is doing and will not tolerate any disrespect to you.
Hopefully, it wouldn't come to making a choice between
his mother and you, but he should be ready to do that
because no matter how loving a mother is, she has no
business telling her son what to do with his romantic/sex
life. He has to do most of the hard work in bringing
his family on board with this and then facilitate a
reconciliation between you and his mom.
Still it is important for you to appreciate that he is
only 20. I mean, his mom was probably buying even
his
undies just a few years ago. No surprise then
that he lacks the guts to confront his mother and tell
her to back off.
I think this guy needs a lot more hand-holding and as
the
older one in the relationship, you have to take
charge of the situation. I know his mom is going to
freak out because you will prove her to be correct, but
I think you really need to tell him what to do, or else.
Tell him exactly that he should simply tell his mother
to never mistreat you. Period. There is nothing more to
discuss. And you should also tell this woman to stay in
her place and not bother you or him. Be strong,
forthright, and even use strong language if necessary.
Some times people take advantage of you because you are
trying to be polite and civil.
I think your boyfriend will get it once you tell him how
you would like to put an end to it once and for all and
how he needs to be a man. If he is unable
or unwilling to do all of this, you have to rethink if
you want to be a man who cannot defend his own choices
in life and make sure that you are always
respected by people in his life.
In the meantime, you have no reason to deal with this
crazy woman. |
