I never
intended to actually 'meet' anyone the other day - in
fact I do not think that I have either the time or the
commitment to have a long-term
traditional relationship
with anyone.
My logic has been rather simple - if I cannot give 100%
of myself to someone it is not fair to have a
conventional relationship. Despite this, my interest in
human being is unstoppable. Each and every person that I
come across makes me explore their inner self and I try
to touch their souls. Of course, nine out of ten times I
just end up wasting my time. I end up finding that if I
dip my finger in their lives, I have touched their souls
- nothing wrong with leading such shallow lives but I
have no desire to make such people part of my life. They
do not enrich my life in any way.
Well, that particular day I ran into Maki - she was
unusually polite when I started to talk to her. In fact
for a while I did not even believe that she was
'American' - I was confused that she might be
European
or even
Asian. She was just too polished for the usual
image I have of an
American woman that hangs out in
Yahoo chat rooms. We chatted for a while and agreed to
chat again - I wanted to chat with her again.
A couple
of days later we chatted again and it was the same
experience - she was not a hypocrite, I found out. She
was a genuinely cultured and sweet individual. In
today's environment that is so hard and it indeed
intrigued me a bit. We got to know each other a bit
better. She came across as someone deep and thoughtful
and very caring - things that I admire. She was patient
and was very interested to know more about me - and you
know how private I am. She did make tremendous progress
though in getting to know me because I told her things
that only she now knows. After a while though I had to
directly indicate to her what the rules of the game were
- not that she had violated any of the rules - in fact
the only reason I had reminded her of the rules was that
she was too gentle to deserve any pain from me.
Initially she got defensive but once she realized that
it was all good intentioned she was delighted by my
honesty. And then we both laughed about it - we both
wanted the same things. It is just that she did not
believe in documenting the rules while I wanted to. It
so turned out that she wanted just a
soul mate and was
not too keen on a
conventional relationship - in fact
she had just gotten out of a
conventional relationship
(quite hurt both
emotionally and physically) and was not
sure that she wanted another one right away.
When I tried to know her a bit better, the word she used
to describe herself was ‘lugubrious'. Now I often
mistakenly believe that I know a lot of words, I did not
know this one and had to ask her the meaning. It shocked
me to know the meaning - in fact I was saddened myself
when I realized her state of mind. She had not planned
to be a single mother and despite all her wishes that is
what she ended up being. It was hard for her - suddenly
she was all alone. While she was financially comfortable
- what overwhelmed her was the sense of
loneliness. She
had lost the
mental connection with the man in her life
for as long as two years but when he finally walked out
the door she realized that life would now be different.
She did not miss him per se - what bothered her most was
her loss of
self-esteem. She no longer felt that she was
attractive or that she could be a
good wife or even a
good mother. The loss of her husband of 10 years was not
easy - she had not prepared herself for such a life. The
more she thought about it the worse it got for her - she
felt incapable and incompetent. Her sadness was so
powerful that it was drowning out all her emotions.
She seemed so heartbroken and helpless and I felt that I
needed to do my little part. I have always believed in
doing my part in this world - bring
smiles on the faces
of people in my life. I have always been a good listener
and have considered it to be one of my strengths. I
tried to listen to her and did my very best to cheer her
up. Of course my training in psychology helped me
tremendously - this is one area of college education
that I can use in my everyday life. Maki appreciated my
attitude and approach. While from time to time she would
get conscious of the fact that it was all about her and
would want to talk about me but my interest in her was
so deep that it would eventually come down to her
anyway. I was just too interested in her.
What also intrigued me about Maki was the 'Inner Maki' -
the person that Maki truly was but did not ever become
one because the environment never let the 'Inner Maki'
flourish. Overall, I was just fascinated by her warmth,
sincerity, and understanding. She was just the type of
friend that I was seeking. Over a period of one month we
chatted off and on and got to really know each other. I
think I knew more about 'Inner Maki' and tried to give
her a peek into my inner soul too.
During one of these sessions, she mentioned that she
found our
conversations to be therapeutic and she almost
wanted to fire her
therapist. Just so as you know the
context, during one of our
playful conversations she and
I had
played a game of therapist and patient and she had
described her nightmares to me. In fact I had helped her
by sharing her
fear with me and giving her some help to get rid of the fears. Even though it was a
virtual session, she had confirmed to me that she felt
much better after that and her nightmares are not there
any more. When she jokingly offered to fire her
therapist, I told her that I could step right in and
even offered her a discount. She liked the idea and we
agreed on the relationship. She promised to pay me $100
for each session, which was $20 less than what she was
paying to her therapist - a person who was treating her
as one of the dozens of patients she saw every week. She
realized the fact that she would be only patient and I
would dedicate complete attention to her. I was not
motivated by
money or for that matter anything else. In
fact as she pointed out to me I was one of the few
people she had ever come across who was committed solely
to her
happiness.
Now came the challenging part - I had to work out a
program for her that would
let her heal and
become full
of energy. For a long time I had been asking her to let
me be her Santa Claus - allowing me to work so that I
could bring her some joy. And as they say be careful
what you wish for - you might just get it. And here I
was; she had asked me to be her therapist and it was my
responsibility to do my part well.
The fact that I was getting paid for my services, I had
to take my responsibility very seriously. However, I
wanted to use non-traditional ways to heal her. It was
evident from the experience that she had with her
traditional therapist - she was being treated as if
something was wrong with her and needed to be fixed. In
my opinion, nothing was really wrong with her - she just
needed an opportunity discover herself and feel proud of
who she was. Once she did that she would be on the roll.
I thought about it a lot and came up with a 12-step
plan. I wanted to conduct 12 therapy sessions for her to
start with and then monitor the results to see if she
was ready for Phase II. In my opinion, she had lost
herself somewhere and the more she lost track, the worse
it got. I think she had reached a point in her life that
she was not even sure of who she was - she was pushed
around too much by those around him that she simply
danced to their music.
What was left of her was not what she was born with.
From the little that I knew about her, she was not what
she used to be before fate threw her with people who did
not always do what was best for her.
Looking at her
photos of
high school, talking about her
childhood, and hearing her stories of the
teenage years,
I knew that Mika was a playful,
naughty girl when she
was
growing up. She was careful not to cross the line -
for example, she never did anything that a
decent girl
was not supposed to do but she had tricks up her sleeve.
She was just one of those all
American girls that
parents are proud of - good academic performance, active
in extra-curricular activities, and a
playful attitude
towards life. In fact among her siblings she was the
most cheerful and fun person around. As soon as she got
home, no one could stay quiet - she would be making
everyone laugh with her little jokes - what other kids
found routine and dull, she would think of it as the
most exciting thing in her life.
I wanted to bring this girl back or at least let Maki
know that she ever existed. The first session would be
dedicated to reviving the
high school days. I told her
that she has to forget for the duration of the session
who she was and instead go back into the past. That
meant going back at least 20 years. It meant that she
will have to erase
memories of all these years and just
be what she was when she was 18 years old and knew
little about the evil ways of the world.
I asked her to
dress as she would during those days -
what I told her to do was to wear a
plaid mini skirt,
and a golden
scarf used as a belt, with a tightly fitted
white blouse with a light
flowery print. I also advised to leave her
hair loose but with a ribbon tied in a bow on top and to
put a
silk scarf around her neck. I also picked her
boots for her - black
ankle
boots that looked casual, the ones
that students prefer. She would also wear
thigh high
stockings and wear some
cute underwear - I told her to
pick something gentle in color, like
pink or
purple,
with a playful pattern - I thought it would be good if
her panties said something like 'I am
cute' or '
Princess' or 'kiss me here' and the
bra will have a
floral pattern with bows in it - exactly how teenagers
like it.
The session would involve going back to those days in
high school when she would have difficulty with English
literature and her mother eventually decided to hire a
private tutor for her to help her. The tutor would come
to her study and help her understand the complexities of
the language and more so help her improve her
composition.
As her teacher, I was to be tough and kind at the same
time - to make her learn but also not to turn her off.
As her therapist, it was not going to be easy.
She gently stroked my back for a while when I arrived and then like a
little boy visiting someone's house, she guided me
inside. The
house was tastefully decorated and I could
sense that she was very
spiritually oriented - the
color
coordination, the patterns, and the arrangement told me
that she was no ordinary woman. When I sat down on the
sofa I think I was still in a daze - I just watched her
like a
child who was in Disney Land for the first time.
She then stood up and asked me what I thought of her.
First, she moved her hands behind her and
posed as a
model for me; quickly, she turned around and then showed
me her back. I was mesmerized. I could not even say the
words that I had practiced. But I think she understood
because she thanked me for liking her - talk about extra
sensory communication here!
We engaged in small talk but my mind was still not
focused - I think her
beauty and
charm was overwhelming.
While I had become aware of this through my
conversations with her, the real Maki was way beyond my
imagination. She understood my situation because I saw
her put some
classical, instrumental music on and then
she also lit the
aromatic candles. As I heard the
music
and breathed in some
fragrance, I must have relaxed - it
seems that the
herbal tea that she gave me to drink was
helping me
relax. I had meant to ask her a hundred
questions but could only come up with a few - was I
shy?
May be! She offered me to give me a tour of her house
and I was happy to again follow her. With a lot of pride
she showed me everything in her house and it all had a
mark of her choice and taste.
Her own room was very
feminine - I have always been
enamored by
femininity and the soft colors in her room
were just so inviting. Her
silk sheets and the artistic
pillows made me feel them. She then offered to show me
her
closet and I had wanted to see this for a long time.
While we had talked about it I was not sure if we would
get a chance to actually look at it. She showed me her
collection of
spring wear now that she was
getting ready
for some warm weather. When I asked to take a look at
her
lingerie collection, she winked at me but then told
me to just wait and there it was - I was touching and
admiring her
excellent taste in underwear.
While we had been together for barely 15 minutes, it
seemed like we had been there for at least half a day -
I was already starting to
feel relaxed. As I sat on the
bed, she demonstrated her
clothes and
lingerie for me
and asked which ones I liked - as always I provided her
with some feedback with combinations and ideas as I have
amassed a wealth of knowledge in this area. Oh wow! It
felt great to be in her presence - and I could have
passed out in her presence from the overwhelming
feeling.
I closed my eyes for a moment and just tried to soak in
the feeling. Maki must have seen me in that state. She
came to me and touched my forehead. "Are you alright?"
she asked. "Well you know I have been working hard for a
few months now and this has taken its toll. I think I am
just burnt out." All I remember is that "Hun,
that is the last time you will feel that way.? |
