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Angela writes, "My boyfriend is very
sensitive and easily gets
depressed. He is very
romantic. He is very
good with sex and experienced. He is divorced and
has 4 kids. He went through a
painful divorce and has not been in a relationship
since then. He has been single for 7 years
bringing
up his kids. He loves them so much. He vowed
to never
trust a woman again. The
wife was
found in their bed with his best friend. Adultery
went on for a long time. He says he loves me, wants to
marry
me, and
have a baby with me.
How do I handle this man who has been
hurt before by a woman as the damage looks quite
deep though he says he has
healed. How do I
satisfy
this experienced man in bed? What should I do? What
do I do to assure him that I won't
cheat on him?
Well, the signs of hurt I have noticed is that if I tell
him that I am a busy and I can’t see him, he simply
withdraws and gets sad, so to say. He will either spend
the day indoors or bury himself in work. When I call him
back he says he is busy and that he will call me back
but never does. When I confront him as to why he is
acting this way, he says, “Sweetie, I just got so into
my work and by the time I got home I was so tired and I
slept.” I used to get very angry with this but now I
don't because it’s just hard to understand him
sometimes. He sometimes acts like he does not want me or
I will do something to hurt him. Sometimes he is so
vulnerable like a child it’s unbelievable and I feel
like shaking him to get him out of this 'trance'.
He sometimes gets very quiet and just withdraws. When he
has a problem at work, he shuts me out. One time I
decided to go see him at home in the evening. I got
there and he was in bed on his
laptop
writing business letters and he was sick but did not
tell me. I asked him why, he says, “Sorry dear, I am so
used to dealing with
stuff alone that am battling to let
you in because I think you might treat me like my
ex-wife did. She would never care when I was sick.
So to appreciate that I am loved, it’s kind of hard for
me. I think you deserve better; why don't we stop seeing
each other and you
find yourself another man. I let him be for a while
(a month) then he came back and told me there was no one
for him except me. He said, “I love you and I want you.”
I let him into my life again. So my conclusion is that
when he is in trouble he shuts the whole world out.
Including me. He once told me, “I have got a weakness I
know, I am
scared of commitment because of what I went through
and I don't want to keep introducing different women to
my kids.”
Every time he
makes love to me he asked me, “Were you satisfied;
if you were not we can try again.” That happened when I
did not
come. But he worries about what I will say
afterwards. Well, he does not talk much about
cheating but he has warned me though that if I ever
sleep with
another man besides him he will sort me out. He told
me he trusts me though he vowed to never
trust
another woman again he says he feels he has found
something good. What worries me is that he has never
introduced
me to his kids or family except for his nephew who
came to his place when I was there.
Last week he was sick with
flu and he was like a baby. I
said, “Love, you just need TLC and you will be fine.”
Guess what he was hoping that I would come but I was
working, besides I was not so keen because I am not sure
of his reaction any more. One minute he wants me and the
next minute he is just too busy to see me, so I don't
know. Well I called him at noon and he was like I am at
my sister’s because you did not show up. I was hoping
you would come home. He traveled to another town to see
his sis for TLC. Then he suggested that I go there too
but I said maybe tomorrow because I had to go to school
and he was sad. He did not call me nor answered his
phone until the following day when he said he was sill
at his sister’s. I have not seen him since. He did get
back home and I sent him a present and he loved it. Then
he has been too quiet. I called this week and he is not
around. I take it he has traveled back to his country.
He has done this before but says if I did it he would
not
be too happy with me.
I have not been
intimate with him for the past five months. I don't
want to any more because we are not going anywhere. We
have been together one and half years now and it’s not
healthy for me. I can’t allow a
man to sleep with me when he can’t let me in on
other aspects of his life.
He enjoys
sex with me and so do I. I love the way he
makes love to me; he drives me crazy. He knows just
where to touch me and I just
scream in pleasure. Well I really enjoy it but I
don’t just
want sex. I only started
having sex
at 25 with my
first
boyfriend; we were both young and inexperienced.
Then with him and it’s been very nice. Well, I told him
I was inexperienced and he says he would show me
how to have awesome sex. We
bond like we were born for each other. Yes, I have
told him and he says he has a weakness. “I am sorry but
I am
scared of commitment; it comes and goes. Of late I
am not sure if I still want to spend the rest of my life
with him. Now that I am sort of breaking and losing my
faith in him, he wants me now. He
wants sex,
a baby,
and to meet his family. I guess maybe he is scared that
I might find somebody else. The truth is I am
scared too of commitment, especially with he way he
has been acting. He checks on me more now.
I sometimes think of the past because
maybe my life would have been different or better and
maybe I would have done things differently. He says that
I am good
in bed and he is crazy about me. He loves to see me
naked, watch my eyes roll when he
makes
love to me. He says when he
makes love to me he does not want to stop. Last
month he said he
wants a
baby. I never said a word. He has not pushed me but
I am not too sure. Because he is so used to burying
himself in work when he wants to run away from stuff and
me.
Yes, I love him so much and I don't want to lose him but
of late I am rethinking. I do
get lonely sometimes but don’t want to mess up.
Besides, I don't want to start
knowing another man. I want love, time, attention
and he says that, “You will have all outings you want,
all the
dinners you want but you must be patient. It’s not
that I don't want to be with you; I want this deal to
work.” He refuses to admit that he is obsessed with it.
Sometimes I tend to
flirt
but then I stop. I have not
cheated on him yet anyway. But he does give me
reason to. When I try to get on with someone else my
heart just won’t beat and starts thinking about him. He
has been asking me to go to his place but I kept saying
no and I would give excuses because I know he
wants me in his bed. That is one thing men aren’t
stingy with. He told me that it’s been long since we
made
love and I didn't say no directly; I just said I was
busy or something. He probably thinks I am getting it
somewhere else. I want him to be available for me,
make time for me, take me out, buy me things and
spoil me. I miss that kind of a relationship. I want to
feel special. Yes, he says am special but those are just
words. He sometimes says that he can
travel
anyway and he is so sure he will find me intact. He says
he believes in me and trusts me but I said I might slip
one of these days. He says I should dare try and will
see what he will do to me. Of late he is very
insecure. He was told me recently that he was having
a
haircut so that he can
compete with the
young men that were proposing to me. But I told him
that he does not need to compete. When I am in trouble
he is there; when I don't tell him he is not too pleased
with me, he says he does not want to see me unhappy or
anybody to hurt me. It’s strange."
I
think there is no better way to heal than through love,
and of course, time always helps. It is not easy to heal
when your special someone cheats on you. What signs of
hurt are there? What makes you think he is deeply hurt?
Has he said some things to you? What is your reading?
What is his behavior when he is with you? Does he
distrust all women?
How do I satisfy an experienced man in bed?
Do you
like sex with this man? How do you feel
when you
have sex now? Does it feel good? Why do you still think
of the past? Has he ever told you that you are not good
enough in bed? What kind of sex he likes? What kind of
sex you like? What have you tried? What would you like
to try? Has there been a situation in which he wanted
something and you could not give him? Has he ever told
you that he is
not satisfied after having sex with you?
Do you get sexually satisfied after having sex with him?
What do I do to assure him that I won't cheat on him?
Does he talk about
cheating
with you? Is that an issue? Have you done anything to
suspect that you might
cheat
too? Do you love him? Are you sometimes
attracted
to other men? Do you think that there is something
missing in your relationship with him?
This man appears to be totally selfish. Yes, he wants
you in his life but only when he needs you; he has no
time for you when you need him. He should consider
himself lucky that such a wonderful woman is giving him
all this and he is not respecting you for your love and
affection. I can understand that work can distract
anyone but to me it seems like an excuse.
He is also very
insecure. He
does not like to commit. He does not want to stand
up and be a REAL MAN.
While I hate to say this but I am not getting very good
feelings about him. I doubt if he will make you happy in
the long run. You will always have to take care of him
like a baby. He will never be close to you because he
likes to live in a shell. He is selfish and thinks about
his
happiness and is not willing to make a sacrifice for
happiness of other people in his life. No wonder his
ex-wife
had to
find another man to fill that gap.
You are still a
young girl, and come across as someone loving,
caring, and smart. I think you can find another man. It
is time to say goodbye to him and
move
on.
I do not know if this is what you expected to hear from
me or if you are afraid of following my advice. But this
is what I think is best for your happiness. Please think
on your own and do what your heart tells you. |
