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Relationship with abusive men
How to deal with it?
Millions of women
are in
abusive relationships that may also include physical
violence. Many undergo
emotional torture for years. While some of these women are
too helpless to
leave such relationships, others simply don't act. Lindsay
is one of such women. Let us review this situation by first
listening to her story.
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 I just
broke up with my
boyfriend
of 4 years. We are both 48 years old. I have been
divorced for 20 years and he has been
single his entire life. He was
controlling,
manipulative, and verbally abusive. Because of these
behaviors, I have tried to leave him dozens of times
before. His promises, words of devotion, and claims of
loving me along with stating how very sorry for his
mistakes he was, kept me in this relationship for four
year. He has made attempts to get help with his
anger management issues. The little
counseling he received has not helped. We have been to
counselors individually and together, we have read books
on
codependency and on relationships and he is in a
12-Step Program. I had stated many times that the
abuse was unacceptable and I would not stay. I tried to
walk away when he was angry, he chased me, kept me hostage
and escalated each incident. Many times I overlooked bad
situations in public and in private to avoid escalation.
(Related:
Why do
women stay in bad relationships) |
Recently,
while he was in the
hospital, he continued to be abusive.
After a week of killing myself of running to the hospital
and putting up with his unacceptable behavior of
humiliating me, belittling me, and degrading me became too
overwhelming and I
ended the relationship (again). He was there for
another week and attempted to contact me off and on. He
would text and call but I refused to let his empty
promises bring me back. It has been a month since he has
been out of the hospital and he is still recovering from
having his kidney removed due to
cancer. I have spoken and responded to his e-mails a
few times but I still believe his promises are empty and
he will not follow through. (Related:
How to
get out of bad relationships)
My
grownup children do not want anything to do with him as
they have witnessed his anger towards me. My family is
aware of his anger issues and abusive behavior toward me
too. They do not understand how I feel about him and can
only see I should not put up with it.
I do
not initiate phone calls or e-mails, however I keep
finding myself responding to his. I know every time I do
this I am getting my "fix" of feeling better but then I
don't hear from him for another few days and I start
grieving the loss of the relationship and his presence all
over again.
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I love
this man with all my heart and soul. We had so many
wonderful times and moments together. I do not doubt he
loves me as much as I do him.
I feel
lots of anxiety whether I am doing the right thing. I have
explained to him I will not go back and the help he needs
will take too long for me to wait around. He says he is so
very sorry, he feels he is the cause of most of our
problems from the very beginning and he is willing to get
the real help of overcoming his issues (as soon as he
recovers from the surgery).
I want
to be with this man but I also feel it is too late. I am
confused about what to do. I also am not sure if he is
being truly honest. The real problem now is me. Can you
give me some insight? |
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What is Lindsay doing wrong while
handling an
abusive man?
I am
glad that you
ended the relationship. This was the right thing to
do. If he has been single his whole life, there is a
reason. Men like him do not deserve a woman like you. Or
for that matter, any woman. A woman is a human being
with emotions and feelings - not just a toy for
manipulative men to play with.
I can
see that you are having a difficult time saying goodbye.
It is not easy after a 4-year relationship. Having said
that, you need to get your
self-esteem and
self-worth back. I think you deserve much more than
abuse and humiliation by a man. A lot of women think
that once they
leave a man they will have a hard time
finding another man, especially when they are no
longer 20-years old. You really need to
let go of this
man and be prepared to spend the rest of your life
single, though that is only the worst-case scenario. In
my opinion, you will definitely
find another man (one woman that I have been helping
for months found a
loving relationship for the first time in her 60s
after leaving her husband of over 35 years). Even if you
don't, trust me, you will be much happier being single
and spending time with friends and family than taking
abuse from someone every day. |
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How can you get your life back?
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First of all,
take a 90-day break not only from this man but from all
romantic
relationships. Focus on yourself during this period. Take
a
vacation, if possible, with a friend or family member or
even alone. Get some
beauty
treatments, go
shopping,
and just indulge yourself.
Reestablish
contact with girlfriends. Volunteer at some place where you
feel a connection. You will realize that life is not so awful
being single.
After this
90-day period, you can
start to date and
hopefully you will find someone who cares for you as much as
you do. |
My final
piece of advice is that you should not
go back to this man. He is not right for you no matter
what he says. The best thing for both of you is to
move on. |
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