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Natalie
writes, "I met Dan when I was
16 years
old; we dated for some time.
High school sweethearts, we even
lost our virginity to each other. We parted our
ways, and
reconnected 20 years later. After being in
relationships that didn't work out and having
endured
abuse in past relationships, I went through
counseling
and have worked on my issues and have really tried to
get a handle on my life. When Dan and I started
dating, I was mesmerized and in awe at all the
things we had in common and interests we shared. I
really felt I had
found the man of my dreams. Things had moved a bit
quickly, but I didn't mind it; I was so happy. I had
been doing a bit of
traveling
looking for a job. Dan was getting ready to go back
to his job in
Nevada as a jockey. That is both our biggest
interest and passion: horses. He told me about the jobs
there and
how much money he makes and we could do it together.
I have ridden and trained many years on a professional
level. So instead of taking the job in Texas, I decided
to move there with him. I also
sing in a band and I have several contracted
gigs that need to be fulfilled due to contracts and
loyalty to a
band
that I have sang with for two years. The first major
problems occurred when I had to go to Tennessee to
fulfill two band gigs. He called continually and if I
did not answer due to working he began to freak out. He
sent me nasty
text messages threatening me to answer immediately
whether or not I was next to a phone or not. He implied
that I was
making out with other men. He started texting mean
things. Then he would text an apology and if he still
did not get a response he would start the text messages
again saying that my
dog was misbehaving, that he was going to
throw my
things in a dumpster. This would all happen in a
very short time period. When I called him back and tried
to tell him that I was working and was busy he argued
and justified his actions. I am currently on a gig and
my daughter's 18th birthday and he is even worse than
before."
She says that she tried
to help him get a grip on his
insecurities but is failing miserably. Natalie
says, "I really do love him but do not know how to help
him fix this. I have issues that are resurfacing from
years of
therapy. I have felt myself getting angry. I feel
like wanting to hurt him (not in a
go-to-prison kind of way). But I have broken my
phone in anger and screamed at the top of my lungs at
him, which is not like me at all. When we are together
and he is happy with things I could not be happier. I
feel
counseling would help him, but am not sure what to
do at my end. I really truly want to help him. But am
not sure how much more I can take. I love him and would
like to share a life but without this dark side of him
that has surfaced. We had planned on
getting married but I have put a hold on that. I
would like him to work on himself and how he treats
others. Is there hope? Can it be fixed?"
Disappointment from an awesome man
I am so sorry to hear that you could
reconnect with a
high school sweetheart 20 years later but then get
disappointed not being able to live the
life that you dreamed of as a teen with a
man that you loved so much. I am not surprised,
though. 20 years is a long time and we are nothing but a
sum of our experiences, that have changed both of you.
In other words, it is not the same for both of you as it
was during
high school.
Why do men feel insecure with a
successful woman?
What is happening to him is that he is
insecure and has
anger management issues and these could have come
from his frustrations in life. In addition to that he is
suffering from what many partners of
female artists suffer from:
fear that she is cheating. The fact that your work
involves
travel, hanging out with other
artists,
and even some
on-stage
activities that can make a man very jealous, does
not help things.
Anger management therapy often
works
I am so glad that you have
put a hold
on the wedding. I think his problems can be fixed
through
communication with you and with the help of a
counselor. He really needs to understand that you
are an artist, are free-spirited, and love the life that
you have, and if he wants to be a part of it, he will
need to appreciate and respect it. Unless he reaches
that point, you will
not marry him. So talk to him, tell him how he needs
to change, and help him do it. In the meantime you both
can
be just friends rather than be in a relationship,
because he will
make your life hell by constantly
harassing you. After 6 months or a year you can
review if he has changed and decide what to do next. If
he does not change or gets even worse, sad as it may
sound, it is much better to just let him
enjoy the life that he wants so that you can build
your life without him, and hopefully with a much more
balanced man.
Love
as teenagers can be beautiful because it happens at
a time when we see the world through tinted glasses and
live in a time of no responsibilities, but as adults, we
have to encounter a new set of challenges.
Regarding your behavior, I think it is only a response
to a lot of negative energy from him, but if you feel
that you have anger issues, you too can work on those
with the help of a counselor and by avoiding situations
in which you need to get angry. |
