My husband does not know how to have sex

Amber writes, "My husband and I got married not too long ago, but we have never had sex with each other. I love him so much, but I am so disappointed. He don't know what he is doing in bed. He don't know how to do anything at all.  Yes, he knows how to get his thingy up but I am left disappointed. When I am making love to him with me on top, he loves that, making his eyes roll back in his head and all that. But I am disappointed because it is over by the time I start to enjoy it. I am left still hot and upset. And when he is trying to make love to me it is over before it begins for me. I am getting where I don't want him to try because I know what is going to happen. Is there something he can read or look at to help him? We have talked about it before but he thinks he knows what he is doing but it's not working for me. It got me thinking about someone else. Please help."

Wow, this is very weird, but here are my thoughts.

• If he was a virgin or had negligible sexual experience then he deserves a second chance. Assuming that you have more sexual experience, I think it is a good idea for you to take charge as a teacher and teach him how to make love to you. Trust me, exploring sex together as a couple is a lot of fun and you will develop great sexual chemistry.
• If he has health issues -- overweight men or those with illnesses like diabetes often have problems in bed -- he will need to discuss these with a doctor, which is a great idea because this could simply be a symptom of a major health problem.
• He maybe suffering from premature ejaculation problem which in most cases is a result of performance anxiety, stress and lack of skills, but can also be due to a medical condition. His doctor is the best person to discuss this.
• A lot of men who grow up in deeply religious families or with negative attitudes towards sex or are very geeky, fail to learn even the basics of making love.  If you search on a website like Amazon you can find hundreds of educational videos and books on the subject. It is best that you watch/read them together and then try them out. I like to think that the way we need to teach ourselves driving or appreciating good wine or astrophysics, we need to teach ourselves how to please a woman in bed.

Now what you will really need to be careful about is how to approach this with him. Men are very insecure about their sexual performance and either he will get very defensive (you have already said that he thinks knows what he is doing) or lose whatever little sexual self esteem he has. While you do not want to make him feel less of a man, you want to be firm, assertive, and open that you are sexually dissatisfied (I think you have not made it clear to him yet how bad things are and how naive he is to think that he knows it all) due to lack of effort from him. As a wife, it is your duty to tell him forcefully what is not working and it is his responsibility to listen to you and work on it. If you think it is possible, use the help of a counselor to make this clear to him.

In the meantime, couples in your situations have told me that they have used toys and found them to be effective as a short term measure. Since he is unable to hold an erection, he can use his hands, tongue, and a sexual toy to give you an orgasm.

I encourage you to first try these suggestions and I am hopeful that things might improve.

If he continues to defend himself, refuses to do something about it, avoids getting help, it is much better to ask for a divorce, if that is an option. You are recently married and cannot have a marriage for a lifetime in which there is no genuine sexual intimacy. Having a sexual relationship outside marriage as a long term solution is rarely feasible. I have suggested this in the past only as the last resort, assuming that he does nothing and you cannot divorce for him for some reasons.

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