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Daniela
writes, "I am 19 and my BF is turning 35. We have been
together for one year. I absolutely
love
him with all my heart but he seems to think that
sometimes I don't. He
asked me to marry him on
New Year's day. He has 3 kids whom I absolutely
adore but they will live with their mom. And he wants to
eventually have another one with me. He just got
finished with his first marriage of 13 years and it was
a
nasty uncivil divorce. His wife was extremely
spiteful and caused him a
lot of stress. He is laid back and likes to
avoid conflict whereas as I am very protective and
didn't like that she treated him like that. Lately it
seems like
all we do is fight. It is always over stupid little
things like... he hates telling me what is wrong or
bothering him because
he doesn't want to burden me. However, I am the type of
person who does not like to be left out of the loop. I
want to know what is wrong and I annoy him until he
tells me. Then we have
little
fights about something I say. I tend to be very
frank and honest about everything and this sometimes
digs me into a hole. And when he gets mad at me he just
walks away or ignores me which then in return makes me
even madder. We have gotten to the point where we
fight
2-3 times a week but we always get over it fairly
quickly. He calls me childish sometimes and I do not
blame him; I can be that way sometimes. Do you have any
advice for me?"
Why do
couples fight?
I think what you are experiencing is
normal because you are not entering the mature phase of
the relationship. When
couples
start to date, they are on their best behavior and
that can often mean that they are not really who they
are. It is true about
how they behave,
dress,
or treat the other person. As the relationship develops
and you feel more comfortable around the person, you
start to feel more like yourself and stop
being nice all the time. Now that you two are
getting married, life wouldn't be the same as it was
when you
first started dating. So what you are calling as
fights are merely points of
disagreements that all couples have. It is also a
reflection of the differences in
personalities that you two have. The
good news is that you both are able to speak your mind
and then get over it quickly. This is generally healthy
for a relationship because
pent up anger is not healthy.
How to avoid conflicts?
Having said that, it is time for you to reflect on your
combative attitude as well (even if he is at fault,
I like to agree with psychologists who say that the only
person you can change is yourself and it is a waste to
try to change other adults -- as my mom says you can't
even change a 2-year old). So you could start off by not
trying to know everything on his mind. As a guy I can
tell you that
men have their own way of dealing with their problems
and if they
want to
share they will. If he is not sharing it is not
because he
does not trust you or love you; it is just that as a
man he thinks he is strong enough to deal with it -- so
let him deal with it and
give him his space. By pushing him, you will simply
annoy any man and cause trouble. So next time you feel
that he is
stressed but is not sharing, just leave him alone
because he will figure out what to do. Just be there for
him when he needs.
Regarding your
frank,
direct, and honest style of communication, my wife
is the same and it causes me some
pain, but in the end, he will get used to it, as I
have. I know how possible it is but you can try to
control what you say because as much as you think you
are trying to
make the world a better place by speaking exactly
what is on your mind, trust me, the world does not
really care what you think. Strong words, even when
true, hurt everyone.
Regarding appearing childish, gee, he is 16 years older
than you and you are still a teen, so he better start
accepting it. |
