Jenny
writes, "My husband and I have been together for 5
years. We have been married for just three months. He
doesn't
communicate with me at all. He would rather make an
excuse or lie about something than just tell me straight
up. He says he does so because I will get mad. He was
married before to his highschool sweetheart for 10
years. Then
she cheated on him.
I
am lonely and feel he
ignores me and doesn't give me his all. I am trying
real hard not to
cheat but what do I do? I try to talk to him and
even if I cry he says that I should simply stop whining.
This really hurts. Help!"
I
think one of the three things maybe happening with your
husband and your marriage:
- Either you have a tendency to
react with
anger or
disapproval or
shout at him for things that you do not like so
that the
communication has broken down between the two of
you. Since some
women can be a bit paranoid or have
inadvertently acquired the
habit of nagging from their moms, they often
fail to
leave their husbands alone or interfere a lot
more than they want. That is when men tend to
hide things from their wives. This is not a
serious problem because as you reflect on your
behavior, you might be able to make some changes on
your own, but with help of a
marriage therapist, you two can
improve your communication skills. It is a
fairly common problem for couples early on in the
marriage and they generally overcome it in a year or
two if they work on it.
- He is genuinely hiding something.
So be on your guard and see if he has another life.
It could
be with another woman, man, or something
entirely beyond your or my imagination.
- You are expecting a lot from a
man who has already been married before. Since this
is your
first marriage, you want him to
lovey-dovey like the movies, but he has not
already been married before he is also probably
disillusioned with marriage due to the behavior
of his
ex-wife. While you should have known when
picking a man with baggage, eventually, you will
get used to it. Do not
demand too much attention from him and he will
be alright.
First few
years of
marriage are a little tough as a
couple gets to know each other better (yes, most
couples find that even after years of dating, there
are things that they did not know about their partners).
So be
patient and try to understand
what kind of a man he is and
what kind of wife he wants you to be. Maybe he is
just
not very communicative and does not believe in
sharing beyond what he thinks is necessary. Do not try
to change that because you will only create
conflict in the marriage rather than be able to
change.
Your
loneliness maybe coming from his
lack of communication and unless he is really hiding
big secrets, you will just have to learn to deal with a
man like him. Most men like this are
great husbands and life with them is not a problem
at all if the
women develop a life of their own and do not expect
their husbands to share everything or participate in
everything that they do. So try to develop hobbies and
friends outside of your marriage and that would help
you deal with your loneliness.
I am
not sure why you are
contemplating cheating. Is
he also not having sex, and if that is so, that
would be a sign of trouble just three months into the
marriage. Or do you want to
cheat because you are just lonely? Be patient, you
have been married just three months and this is not a
positive thought, because
cheating is not going to solve any of your problems.
You have to
make this marriage work first, with the suggestions
I gave above, and if that does not work for a year or
two, you can conclude that you two are simply
incompatible and it is better to
end this marriage rather than be together the rest
of your life, while you keep
finding other men to give you
emotional and
physical intimacy. |
