| Jillian
writes, "Just found out that my
husband has been having a affair for the last ten
months. Now he says
he loves
me and wants to
work on our marriage. I am wondering if I
didn't find out, he would have carried on the
extramarital affair.
Can I trust him? Do you think
he loves me or is saying these things just to avoid
a
divorce?" Cheaters are
liars and good at it
I
think you are totally right that he would have continued
the
affair if he had not been caught. I also suspect
that he might still
continue the
affair even after promising to you that he won't and
want to
work
on his marriage. His
mistress is not likely to give up so easily on him
because
women who date married men are fiercely competitive
and
hate their boyfriend's wives.
Everyone deserves a second chance
if they are genuinely sorry
Having said that, I think we are all human, make
mistakes, and deserve second chances in life. You are
the one who has been married to him, so if you feel in
your heart that he has otherwise been a
good
husband (or
father, if you have kids), you
love him and would like to
save the marriage, it is not a bad idea to give him
a chance, but still keep your eyes and ears open to make
sure that he is not
back to cheating.
How to find out what caused him to
cheat?
Obviously you have to also find out
what made him commit adultery. If he is just an
loser
addicted to sex, then, you have a lot of thinking to
do (and maybe not even forgive him and move on without
him rather than waste time with him), but if there is
something in you or your marriage that made him
go to another woman, I suggest that you be honest
with yourself and deal with it head-on rather than blame
everything on him and pretend that you are only a
victim.
Men who write to me most often cheat because their
wife has stopped having sex with them or has
put on so much weight that she is no longer
attractive or has changed in some other ways that they
are no longer a
good couple. I am not trying to defend your husband
or
men who cheat, but giving you the other side of the
story. In other words, you really want to find out (with
the help of a
marriage counselor,
therapist,
religious
adviser, or friend/family members)
what made him go to another woman and what can you
do to fix the situation. |
