Julia is
a
married woman, who was having problems in her marriage,
and
found comfort in the arms of another married man.
While their
extramarital affair has given both of them comfort,
joy, company, and emotional attachment, it has not been
easy on them or their families. Since both of them have
children, they cannot
walk away from their marriages just like that. She
writes, "He has taken the first step to ask his
wife for a
divorce but felt that he should still go to
counseling to deal with his feelings and for
healing. He knows it is difficult and will be
emotional for him even though he is the one asking her
out of
the relationship. Recently, he has asked me to give
him
space to absorb and think over the decisions he is
going to make and how it will affect so many people (I
know it is his children and wife). He says it's hard
when you are
standing at the crossroad of your life making a
life changing decision. So my
fear is that
he will go back to his wife. I know the only reason
would be
fear of losing the company of kids and the time he
would have with them. Fear of
financial hardship is also on his mind because he
will need to pay alimony and
child support."
His
asking for some privacy is bothering Julia because now
that they are unable to talk daily as they used to do,
she is having all sorts of doubts in her mind. She tells
me, "We usually Skype several hours a day but with him
asking for space, he has stopped Skyping with me also. I
know it's because in seeing me he knows I would easily
persuade him with just a smile. He also knows we laugh
and get along so easily that just spending a few moments
on Skype with me would lead to an hour before we both
knew what time it is. So he is
cutting as much communication with me as possible
except for the few text messages, and I mean FEW. We
generally text chat at least 10 times a day. So where am
I going with this? My fear that he will go back to her.
I love him and unfortunately I can see myself all alone
if
he goes back to his wife and that is when I will
become
depressed. He still tells me
he loves
me, still uses endearing words such as 'my love', 'sweetheart',
'I
love you', 'I miss you', 'my dearest', etc. So I
feel he still loves me but the mind always wanders to
negative scenarios."
Julia
continues, "He has been reading this book Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples,
by Harville Hendrix, Ph.D., and Helen
LaKelly Hunt. Ever heard of it? I read the book and the
author basically says there is
no option to divorce,
that you should
work on the marriage, and nothing else.
Funny coming from a
man who was divorced, then met the
woman who helped him write the book together. He makes
no mention of his current marriage in the book itself
nor does he mention that his current wife helped him
write the book, he just says that
after his own divorce
he realizes all these philosophies that are in his book.
My frustration is that he does not acknowledges that
people divorce, saying that
divorce is not an option is
ridiculous and naive. My whole babbling comes down to,
how do I get HIM to understand that this book is
hypocritical? I guess I am fearful that he is going to
believe that he should
stay in a marriage that he has
tried to fix for 13 years of the 13 years they have been
in the marriage."
Obviously
this is not the outcome Julia wants since she is so
heavily invested in this
affair. She concludes, "I KNOW
even if he does break things off with me that he will be
in the same situation again. Maybe not today, tomorrow,
a month, six month or even a year from now but her true
colors will come out again and he will find himself in
the same situation. I want to prevent my hurt of having
to go through it again, waiting for him to realize he
can't see himself with anyone else but me (his words not
mine). His fear is driving him back to trying to
find a
way to work things out with her for the sake of the
kids. I sense it. I'm not stupid or delusional into
believing it will be an easy choice for him. What should
I do, Jay? Do I say it like it is and risk him getting
defensive and pushing me away? Or do I support him like
I said I would and
patiently wait for him to either
reject me or want me?" |
