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Candy
writes, "I met a man who was separated from his wife,
and it seemed as if this was the
man that I was waiting for all my life. I am not an
immature woman (have been married before and I am in my
mid-forties
now) and I felt that connection that people talk about
when they
find a soulmate. We clicked so well and both agreed
that our
relationship was real. However, since he was not
divorced and had moved out because of
problems
in his marriage, he was not really totally free to
move forward with me.
I spoke to him and we are very open-minded about
whichever way this might go. I told him that I
understand that 17
years with his wife is very long and she is
obviously the one he knows better than me and I
understand that his two children are everything to him.
The last thing I want is for him to miss out on being
with them. During their
counseling
sessions a few things came out. He told me that that
made his wife realize to keep the question in mind, "Do
you think your
partner
can give you what you need in this marriage?"
Problems identified in marriage
through therapy
Their
counselor
also says she has many issues regarding "letting
herself go" when they are
intimate and the big
CONTROL word came up in their counseling sessions.
His wife admitted that she is a
frigid woman and she does try and
control him too. That is one of his biggest
problems with her. She can't just "be" in the moment. He
always says to me that it feels to him that she is
ice
when he looks at her. She's always been like that,
before our
relationship started even, and that when they
make love, she is not "with" him, she is in the
act of sex. He is a
Christian, like myself, and she is
strict
Catholic. I told him that I was never brought up to
believe that
sex and
expressing yourself is bad or evil or dirty.
More so, the
problem in their relationship was never sex, it was
intimacy, companionship, like in many marriages,
that goes first, then the door is open to a
third partner. We all
want intimacy and companionship; it is human nature.
His problem now is that they were never
lovers, free to express themselves when they met and
started their
courtship, because of her family
controlling everything, they couldn't even hold
hands in front of her parents and they were 23 years
old!
He said to me that his wife does realize that maybe I,
the
other woman, do give him
what he needs, not sex, but acknowledgement,
adoration, acceptance, and that we enjoy the same
things. I don't know if you believe in that people's
energy together must be good and positive. He told me
when he met me, the first thing that attracted him to me
is my "love
for life," my "positive energy," and of course, the
fact that he finds me
beautiful. His wife on the other hand has a very
suppressive energy around her, she is not spontaneous
and
playful, and she never has been like that. She is
more
serious and reserved. She is 39 years old and
I am 37 years and he says to me when he is with her it's
like being with a
much older woman, only because of her energy. I told
him that I am surprised that he
married her, but what do you do at 23 years when the
parents decide that their children marry someone
from their social class and help introduce them to other
singles in the community based on the schools
attended and friendship with the parents. I personally
think this is very sad,
for everyone. I asked him what advice will he give his
son when he comes to him, like he did when he went to
his dad and told him about me. He told his parents about
me, how he feels about me and that he wants to be with
me and get divorced. They were initially very shocked
and upset and told him that these things happen when you
are married.
People
that are married sometimes do fall in love with someone
else. Then it sounded that they might be very
supportive of him, and give him the benefit of the
doubt, that as a
middle aged man, he is
mature enough to know what he wants, needs and knows
what makes him happy. He wanted to introduce me to
them, that same day, but his mom said they first want to
speak to his wife alone.
Family members opposed to divorce
After his parents spoke to his wife, they changed the
supportive roles and took sides with his wife and told
him that he is infatuated and that I am
after his money! His wife and his parents feel that
I am nearing the
end of my fertile years and
desperate to have a child and get married. It was to
me such a shock that such backward thinking exists. I
told him that quite the contrary, he knows when we just
met he asked me if I would like to
have children, at least one? I told him that to me
the most important thing in life is
meeting my
soul-mate and having a
connection with my partner that is special and
something we both work on everyday, because I don't want
to ever end up like most couples, when their
children leave the house, they look at each other
and somewhere along the way in
bringing
up children,
running a
household, they lost each other, after all THAT is
where everything starts - the two of you alone, then it
is the
children.
He then told me that he would love to
have a
child with me, because he thinks I would be a
wonderful loving mother and he wouldn't want me not
to experience that. He also told his therapist/counselor
that when he met me, that feeling of caring for me,
wanting to
have a child with me, is something he never
experienced in his life. Even in his marriage,
children with his wife just happened, he never
looked at her and thought "I love this woman so much and
I would love to
have a child with her." He just let it happen
because it was the obvious next step - marriage, then
children.
After his parents decided to support his wife through
this, he moved out and still to this day is not living
with his wife and is legally separated. His parents do
not like the fact that I don't have a
college degree or studied at an Ivy League school
like his wife, who is a Harvard graduate and now works
as an
investment banker. He is media executive and I am a
personal trainer. To the parents, and his wife it is
a scandal that he
leaves
his wife who comes from such a waspy family for a
woman whose family is not elite.
Which brings me back to my question to him "what advice
will you give your son when he tells you that he wants
to leave his wife because of all the reasons you gave
your dad." He said, he will tell him to be true to
himself and do what he feels he needs to do. It is his
life, it has nothing to do with him as a parent. He must
love his son, to support him through everything.
His parents, her parents, and his wife thinks that he
had a nervous breakdown and may even have other
psychiatric problems and that is why he is doing
this, because it is out of his normal character. I told
him, maybe he was just a people-pleaser, until now.
He told me that during counseling, a lot of anger comes
out from his wife towards him regarding the fact that he
never said he was sorry that he
had an affair. Although we are still talking and
seeing each other, she doesn't know. He told her that he
is not sorry, because he doesn't want to have a
relationship that lacks passion, and has no
emotional connection. His wife says that she
can still get over the fact that he slept with me, but
the fact that he left her for me and moved out of the
house, it is very hard for her.
Self realization in a crisis
After meeting me, he realized
what he wants from life, himself, and he found and
learned things out about himself that makes him tick. He
is more in tune with himself since we've been together.
I told him that the reason for that is because I let him
be who he is. I don't control him and I love everything
about him and we compliment each other, we feed off each
others energy. Even when he have a difference in
opinion, the way we
fight
and
resolve it, is beneficial to our relationship.
This road is not going to be an easy
road for any of us, his wife, him or me. I told him that
I am not naive about this, I understand how hard this is
and more so when he does get divorced, how hard it will
be for his children to be around me, because his wife
can make them not like me, the fact that his parents
might never accept me, I know all of this, but the one
thing I know more is how we love each other and how we
make each other feel. When we are together, everyone
else and everything else disappears into the background
and we become just two people who are in love and love
each others company, love to laugh together and
exercise together,
listen to
beautiful music together, chatting and
living life together. He said to me once that it
makes him feel terrible to even think it, more so saying
it to me, that sometimes he wishes something will happen
to his wife, so we can be together. No need to be
alarmed, he is not a psychopath who will kill his wife,
he is a
good man and this is why I am so supportive of
whichever way this might go.
I told him that I love and support him in whatever he
decides to do, I don't want him to get divorced and then
resent me in future because he misses his children. This
decision is purely his own and he is really taking it
seriously, not lightly at all, he wants what is best for
everyone, but most important what HE wants.
If this whole relationship of ours bring him and his
wife together and they have a
stronger relationship to
grow old
together, which I doubt, I will be glad, but he said to
me when we met, he doesn't see himself
grow old
with her, I will respect it and will
walk away because I am not a
home-wrecker, I am just a
woman who fell in love with a man, who had no
relationship with the person he was committed to by
virtue of a marriage a long time ago. You can be
married in church, in the eyes of God, with all the
witnesses around, but at the end of the day, that
relationship is between wife and husband.
Lessons from loving a married man
If there is any lesson I think that should get taken out
of
people having affairs is that parents should never
try to manipulate or orchestrate to their children what
they feel is right for their child. I understand that is
what
parents do raising their children, but at some
point, parents must also know that they have to believe
that their upbringing was solid to their child and let
their children live their lives on their own, not to
what the parents feel they should.
I am so grateful that I was brought up in a very "free
thinking" family. My parents never had a narrow vision
about life and love, and know that they were always very
honest about how they feel and we were brought up in a
house where we could say what we wanted, be what we
wanted and were never controlled, but disciplined in a
way to still be an individual.
I pray to God that he blesses this man I love so very
much with wisdom and compassion and bless his wife and
children with all the support, understanding and
love they need through this and bless his and her
parents and give them comfort that they didn't fail as
parents bringing their children up."
How to handle your emotions while
dating a married man
You
understand the delicate and complex nature of your
relationship with this man. As you are already
recognizing, this
man has a lot of baggage that he brings. He is now
paying the price of not thinking through his
decision to get married and then continuing the
marriage, including having children, even though he was
not really in love with his wife.
While I typically support the decision to get a divorce
as the last resort (not just because you come across a
better partner, but because your
marriage is so broken and hopeless that both
partners would be happier being single than being
together), I encourage people to do their very best to
save their marriage, particularly if they have
children. I have heard from hundreds of people and have
several family members who have been divorced and it is
not pretty for the kids, particularly if they are not
adults.
I am very confident that regardless of his decision, you
would do just fine because you are a charming, youthful,
open-minded, spiritual, and loving woman. A good
man (and hopefully
single) will see that in you and you will
find love again. |
